04-sketches

Painter: 'Bond Eats Mr. Big.' What a great
title!
Hank: That's a typing mistake.
Romeo: A typing mistake?
Hank: Yes. It should be 'Bond Meets Mr.
Big'.
Romeo: Oh, yes - a typing mistake. There
are hundreds of typing mistakes.
The typing is really terrible. Who
typed this rubbish?
Hank: I did.
Romeo: Oh!
Hank: Just do your best. Now, let's look at
one of the important scenes. Scene
6 -(Hank, Linda and Romeo find
Scene 6 in their scripts.)
Hank: where Bond -
Romeo: Yes.
Hank: and Barbara -
Linda: Yes.
Hank: go into the office of Mr. Big.
Romeo: Mr. Who?
Hank: Mr. Big.
Romeo: Who's Mr. Big?
Hank: He's the biggest, most dangerous
criminal in the world,
Linda: Who's playing Mr. Big in the film?
Hank: I am.
(The painter laughs.)
Hank: What's the matter with you?
Painter: Changing his laugh into a cough)
I've got a cold.
Hank: OK, remember: I'm Mr. Big.
So...lines, everybody.
Romeo: (To Linda) What did he say?
Linda: I don't know. (To the painter) What
did he say?
Painter: I think he said 'lions'.
(Romeo and Linda make the sound
of lions roaring; the painter joins in.)
Hank: I said lines, not lions!!
Romeo - Linda: Sorry, Hank.
Hank: OK, let's begin. (Reading from his
script, in a strange voice) 'Ah-ha!
Who are you?'
Linda: (To Romeo) What did he say?
Romeo: I don't know. (To the painter) What
did he say?
Painter: 'Who are you?'
Romeo: Romeo Higgins.
Painter: How do you do?
Romeo: How do you do?
Hank: Romeo! Lines! Just read the lines]
Romeo: What? Oh. Yes. (Reading) 'My name
is Pond 'James Pond.'
Hank: What did you say?
Romeo: 'My name is Pond - James Pond.'
Linda: It's not James Pond, it's James
Bond! Idiot!
Romeo: (Pointing of his script) It says Pond'
here
Hank: Just get on with it! 'Ah-ha, Bond!
This is the moment I've been waiting
for!'
Romeo: (To the painter) What did he say?
Painter: I'm not sure, but I think he said:
(Imitating Hank's strange voice)
'Ah-ha,
Bond!: This is the moment I've been waiting
for!"
Romeo: Thanks.
Linda: Look out, Bond! He's got a gun.'
Painter: No, I haven't. It's a paintbrush.
Romeo: I'm not afraid of you, Mr. Pig.
Painter: Mr. Big!
Romeo: 'Mr. Big.'
Linda: 'Bond! Look out!'
Romeo: 'What is it, Banana?' Er...Barbara?
Linda: 'He's got a gun. He's going to shout!'
Painter: Not 'shout' - 'shoot'! 'He's going to
shoot' - with his gun!
Romeo: 'Don't shoot, Mr. Bag!' - 'Mr. Big!'
Hank: ' Ah-ha! Why not!'
Romeo: 'Because...'
(Hank, Romeo and Linda all turn
over a page in their scripts.)
Romeo: '...I've got something I want to show
you. It's here - in my rocket.'
Painter: Not 'rocket' - 'pocket'! 'It's here in
my pocket.' Oh! Stop everything!
I've got something I want to show
you! It's here in my pocket!
(The painter takes a telegram from
his pocket.)
Painter: It's a telegram for you, Mr.
Cannelloni - from the producer, Mr.
Broccoli.
Hank: From the producer?! Read it!
Painter: OK. (Reading) 'Hello, Stop. How are
you? Stop. Have you started the film
yet? Stop. If you've started -
Comma - stop. Stop. If you haven't
started - Comma - don't start. Stop.
Stop. Stop, Signed: The Producer.
Stop.'
Romeo: I didn't understand a word of that.
Linda: It means there's no film. (Leaving)
Bye, Hank.
Hank: Er...Bye, Linda.
Romeo: No film?
Hank: That's right.
Romeo: Do you mean I'm not going to play
James Bond?
Hank: I'm afraid not, Romeo.
Romeo: Oh, no! That means I haven't got a
job.
Hank: You haven't got a job! What about
me? I haven't got a job either!
Painter: Hank, Romeo, don't worry.
Hank: What do you mean?
Painter: I can give you both a job.
Romeo: Really?
Painter: Yes. Hank, you take this paintbrush...
(He gives Hank his paintbrush.)
Hank: What?
Painter: And Romeo, you take the ladder...
He gives Romeo his ladder.
Romeo: Eh?
Painter: Call me when you've finished. I'll be
in the canteen.
SKETCHES
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