04-sketches

ask you. How's your wife?
Did she?
Traveler: The next train to
Birmingham!
BR employee: Oh, yes. (On the phone)
Dave, I've got a young man
here. When is the next train
to Birmingham? Yes... Yes...
Yes... Yes... Yes. Thanks,
Dave. Hold on.
Traveler: Well?
BR employee: He doesn't know.
Traveler: He doesn't know?
BR employee: No.
Traveler: Why not?
BR employee: Well, Dave doesn't work at
the station.
Traveler: He doesn't work at the station?!
BR employee: No. Dave works at the cafe
across the road. You should
never ask Dave about
trains.
Traveler: I didn't ask him. You asked
him!
BR employee: Eric's the one who knows
about trains.
Traveler: Well, ask Eric then.
BR employee: Right. (On the phone)
Er...Dave, can you put Eric
back on?...Eric?...Eric, I've
got a young man here. It's
about trains to
Birmingham. When is the
next one?...
Right...OK...Fine...
Super...Smashing...
Super... Fine... OK... Right.
Thanks, Eric. Bye. (He puts
down the telephone.)
Traveler: So, when is the train?
BR employee: The train, yes. Well, there's
a small problem.
Traveler: What's that?
BR employee: They can't find it.
Traveler: They can't find what?
BR employee: They can't find the train. It's
lost.
Traveler: Lost?!
BR employee: Well, it's not exactly lost.
They know where it is.
Traveler: Well, where is it?
BR employee: It's somewhere between
here and Birmingham.
Traveler: This is terrible.
BR employee: Yes, but it happens every
day. If I were you, I'd start
walking.
Traveler: But I'm in a hurry.
BR employee: Well, run then.
Traveler: I don't want to run.
BR employee: Well, take a taxi!
Traveler: I don't want to take a taxi!
(The telephone rings. The
traveler answers it.)
Traveler: Hello!!!...It's for you.
The BR employee takes the
telephone.
BR employee: Thank you (On the phone)
Hello? Sid speaking. Who's
that?...Eric! Hello! What is
it?...The train to
Birmingham?...What?
...Marvelous. Where was it?
At Platform 2? It was there
all the time. Amazing...OK,
Eric, I'll tell him. Bye. (He
puts down the telephone.)
BR employee: Well, there is a train to
Birmingham.
Traveler: Marvelous.
BR employee: It's at Platform 2.
Traveler: Wonderful.
BR employee: And it's leaving any minute
now.
Traveler: Oh, good. A second-class
single to Birmingham,
please.
BR employee: Pardon?
Traveler: Can you give me a secondclass
single to Birmingham?
BR employee: No. I can't.
Traveler: Why not?
BR employee: Well, this isn't the ticket
office.
Traveler: What?!
BR employee: The ticket office is next
door.
Traveler: Oh, no!
BR employee: What's the matter?
Traveler: I'm going to miss the train!
BR employee: Don't worry. You've got
plenty of time.
Traveler: Plenty of time? The train's
leaving any minute now.
BR employee: Yes, but there's no hurry.
Traveler: Why not?
BR employee: Because I'm the driver.
Traveler: You're the driver?!
BR employee: Yes. The train can't leave
without me, can it?
Traveler: No.
BR employee: Now, you come with me.
Traveler: Platform 2?
BR employee: No. Dave's cafe.
Traveler: Oh, right.
BR employee: We'll have a nice cup of tea
and a sandwich before we
go.
Traveler: Lovely.
BR employee: And I'll introduce you to
Dave and his wife. I think
you'll like them...
(They leave, chatting.)
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