03.07.19

PW OPINION PW NEWS PW LIFE PW ARTS
•ADVICE•
BY PATTI CARMALT-VENER
REBEL WITHOUT A REASON
DON’T LET EMOTIONAL ‘TRANSFERENCE’ MESS UP A GOOD RELATIONSHIP
Dear Patti,
I married my husband a year ago. I knew I was marrying a wonderful man
but I didn’t realize that his whole family is wonderful. They own a very successful
business in Pasadena and everybody in the family has welcomed me to become part
of their company. I love the work, I love working in the community, and I love the
family and how supportive they’ve been.
The problem is that every time I’m around the oldest sister, Nancy, I get uncomfortable.
Nancy runs the business and she’s basically my boss at work. I go back and
forth between either feeling intimidated and shy around her or secretly critical and
resentful. I keep thinking furious thoughts about how she’s a demanding know-it-all
and too bossy and controlling.
When I’m away from her though, I can see that Nancy’s not actually doing
anything wrong. She keeps things running but hasn’t been domineering at all. In
fact, if I’m honest, she pays attention to me and encourages my new ideas. Nancy
is respectful to all the family members and especially kind to my elderly motherin-law.
She’s part of why I love working in the family business. But I still get these
irrational surges of anger toward her.
My father died when I was very young, and my mother left me to be raised by my
grandmother who was very controlling. For my whole childhood I felt like I had to
fight constantly to have any rights at all. I recently realized that I’m reacting to my
sister-in-law the same way I reacted to my grandmother and I don’t want to do that.
It’s time to move on from my old childhood drama and leave it behind. I want to connect
with my husband’s family in harmony both at work and home.
— Beth
Dear Beth,
This is a very exciting time in both your personal and work life and one that will
introduce no shortage of new familial relationships and challenges. As is often the case
when people move forward, however, it’s not without the awkward weight of emotional
baggage — elements that can influence how well you adjust to the latest change in your
circumstances and the opportunities it presents for growth.
You want to heal from the pain and the insecurity of past traumas so they won’t
interfere with your life today. That’s an excellent goal. You have already taken the first
critical step by recognizing that your sister-in-law is treating you well but that you are
emotionally reacting as if her behavior were a cruel carbon copy of what you previously
experienced with your grandmother. This is called transference. The more you
acknowledge and experience your repressed feelings toward your childhood matriarch,
the less power those historic feelings will be able to exert on what you are doing today.
To accomplish this objective and reduce the tendency to transfer your feelings onto
others, I would strongly recommend professional counseling. Find a therapist whom
you trust and feel connected to. Keep in mind, however, that there is a good possibility
you will eventually transfer feelings onto your therapist as well. That is often part of
the therapeutic process, which your therapist will guide you through. The goal is for the
two of you to create a safe, private space in which you carefully examine and heal these
painful memories.
Until then, try this exercise. Write down all of the traits, both good and bad, that
characterized your grandmother. Then, on a separate piece of paper, write down all the
traits that Nancy exhibits. After reviewing both lists, write down the behaviors from
your grandmother’s list that you are currently transferring onto your sister-in-law. Look
clearly at the difference.
The next step is to choose a negative trait from your grandmother’s list and remember
a specific time when she exhibited that trait and you felt mistreated as a result. See
the experience in your mind’s eye and feel your anger and hurt. Do that with each negative
trait and you will begin to understand where all of this is rooted.
Share this experience with your new therapist. You may find that therapeutic work
will help your relationships, and maybe even help your relationship with your grandmother
if you are still in contact with her. You will definitely experience improvement
in your current contacts. Don’t let the past interfere with your new career, your new
family, and other relationships to come. n
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term
Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has an office in Pasadena.
Contact her at (626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com. Visit her website, patticarmalt-vener.com.
14 PASADENA WEEKLY | 03.07.19