03072019 - Buhari's Ruga policy, an explosive issue — SOYINKA

I fell in love after 25 years of
marriage!
Dear Bunmi,
After 25 years of marriage, I
have fallen in love for the first
time in my life. I want to be
with my lover full-time but
that seems like an impossible
dream.
My husband and I are both
in our early 50s. In the last
few years, he’s had problems
performing in bed. Sex
became a bore, so we gave up.
I realised in time I still
wanted intimacy in my life but
didn’t want to settle for men
out to have just flings. Then
my boss sent me on a two-day
management course. It
included an overnight stay
and that’s when my love life
fell into place.
I went to the dinning are bar
in the evening and got
chatted up by this wonderful
man. He’s two years older
than me and it was like we’d
already met somewhere in the
past.
We ended up in his room
and the sex was intense and
wonderful. The next day, we
hugged as we parted after
exchanging mobile numbers.
I live in Lagos but he lives in
Ogun State but we still
managed to meet four times.
The chemistry is still there and
the intimacy gets better and
better every time.
His wife recently found out
about us but she’s
unperturbed as she has a
good lifestyle she won’t throw
away. My husband also found
out, but he hates making
waves and agreed we could
meet now and then. I want to
leave him to be with the man
I love.
I live on edge, hoping my
husband won’t see all the
emails I send to my lover, then
sometimes wishing he would.
There seems to be no solution
to this. I’ve got three
daughters and my lover has
sons. They’re no longer
children but are still young
enough to be hurt.
Angela, By e-mail.
Dear Angela,
I hope you do realise you’re
playing with fire and living
on dreams. You’ve sent a lot
of emails and text but have
only met up with your lover
four times. Is that enough to
throw a solid marriage over
for?
Looks as if you’re both using
each other as distraction from
your lacklustre marriages.
That isn’t unusual but keep
your eyes open in case it
backfires.
What if your husband
decides that enough is
enough, that he can’t stand
you cheating and finds
somebody else? What if your
lover puts pressure on you to
leave home? I’m not sure you
want that as much as you say.
Suggest that you take a
break from each other, for a
My husband is a slub!
Dear Bunmi,
My husband of seven years
has terrible manners: he eats
like a pig and burps or passes
wind at dinner table. When we
go out, he creates such a mess
that I have to apologise to
waiters.
At social gatherings, he
would rather use his fingers
for ‘swallow’ foods than use a
cutlery. I am ashamed to be
seen with him and worried
that his manners, or lack of
them, will rub off on our sons,
aged six and three.
Kikelomo, by e-mail.
Dear Kikelomo,
I know it could be quite
frustrating for you to spend
ages trying to get the children
few months, say while you
give your life partners the
time and attention they need.
Ask your husband to seek
medical help in case he has a
medical problem that needs
sorting out. At your age, all
four of you should be less
flighty in the way you handle
relationships.
to be polite and eat their food
nicely, only for your husband
to come in, throw his coat and
tie on the sofa, put his smelly
feet on the table and pick his
nose or pass wind.
What you need to do is be
firm. You could write a list of
house rules, for example:
“Always say please and thank
you,” and “use your cutlery,
not your fingers.”
All of them, your husband
included, should get
commended when they do
what they’re supposed to do.
In short, if your husband
insists on behaving like a
toddler, treat him like one.
Otherwise the children might
think his behaviour is
hilarious and try to copy him.
Looks as if you’re both using
each other as distraction from
your lacklustre marriages.
That isn’t unusual but keep
your eyes open in case it
backfires. What if your
husband decides that enough
is enough, that he can’t stand
you cheating and finds
somebody else?
Vanguard, WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 2019 — 37
He thinks he’s my son’s
dad
Dear Bunmi,
I’m in my mid-twenties
and have a young son. I’ve
been with my boyfriend
since our university days,
but I don’t love him any
more. I only stay in the
relationship because of this
child.
Around the time I became
pregnant, I’d been seeing
someone else for eight
weeks but broke offline
affair because I thought the
kid was my boyfriend’s.
Unfortunately, the boy looks
nothing like him. He looks
like the boy I had a fling
with.
I don’t want to continue to
lie to my boyfriend about my
son, it doesn’t feel right.
But how am I going to tell
my boyfriend what I’ve
done? People have told me
not to tell him but I can’t; I
don’t want to have to lie to
my son or to anyone. It’s
not fair.
Zainab, by e-mail.
Dear Zainab,
I agree with you. To
mislead your son about the
identity of his father would
be a gross deception. To
defraud your boyfriend by
allowing him unknowingly
to raise another man’s son
is equally unacceptable.
Unfortunately, a few
people are now aware of
your plight and you can’t
rely on them to be a part of
any conspiracy of silence.
You need to tell your
boyfriend that you’re
We need to move on after my wife died
Dear Bunmi,
Around last Christmas, my
world fell to pieces when my
wife of eight years was killed
in a car crash. Not only have
I lost my soulmate, but our
six-year-old son has been left
without a mum. I just don’t
know how to handle things.
Daniel, by e-mail.
Dear Daniel,
The first and most important
thing your little boy needs is
love from you, so give him
loads of affection. Answer his
questions as he asks them, so
he’s getting information when
he’s ready.
Reassure him that mummy
hasn’t gone because of
anything he did, which some
children fear.
And don’t think you have to
‘cope’ with your own feelings
of loss in private. Children
need to know that adults feel
grief too, so it’s fine to cry
together.
Finally, seek the support of
friends and relatives and
encourage your son to interact
with relatives in his age
bracket. I wish you the best of
luck.
unsure who’s the father of
your child.
The double revelation of
your unfaithfulness and
that he may not, after all,
have a son, will wound
him. Yet, he may have
sensed that you are going
off him.
For everyone’s peace of
mind, a blood test is
needed. After the test, he
might even decide to
support you if he weren’t
the father. I wish you the
best of luck.
My mother-in-law gets on my nerves
Dear Bunmi,
For 16 years I’ve been trying
to get on the right side of my
mother-in-law but I’ve come
to the end of my tethers. She’s
never liked me and has never
bothered to hide the fact.
She has three children and
my husband is her only son.
In her opinion, I’m not good
enough for her son, nor am I
good enough to be the mother
of her grand-children.
I’ve tried ignoring her,
buttering her up, keeping out
of her way but nothing works.
My husband says she doesn’t
mean it but I know she does.
How do I cope with her
To mislead
your son
about the
identity of his
father would
be a gross
deception. To
defraud your
boyfriend by
allowing him
unknowingly
to raise
another man’s
son is equally
unacceptable.
hostility?
Abby, by e-mail.
Dear Abby,
Your chances of changing
your mother-in-law are slim!
But you could change your
attitude towards her, which
should help. See her for the
pathetic, insecure person she
is, and recognise that she’s no
threat to the happy family you
and your husband have built.
Thank goodness your
husband is not taking sides.
At the moment, you’re a little
bit afraid of her but, in fact,
you hold all the cards. No
matter what she does, be nice
to her because you’re a happy
person who can’t be bothered
to trade words with her.
There may be a miracle and
— she may change. If she
doesn’t, you’ll still be a
winner. I wonder why she
isn’t bothering her two
daughters’ spouses?
Share your problems and release your
burden. Write now to Dear Bunmi,
Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007,
Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk