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<strong>Siouxland</strong> <strong>Magazine</strong> | Inspire /30<br />
“<br />
I was in complete denial that my mom<br />
was dying. Over those two years we lost<br />
my maternal grandma, and a paternal<br />
and maternal uncle. Even in all this, I didn’t<br />
know grief. The kind of grief that changes<br />
the course of your life.<br />
”<br />
After getting her diagnosis the doctor told her to get her<br />
things in order, that she had up to one month to live. Even<br />
though my mom survived for two years, I am still grieving<br />
this life that I had seen my mother being very present in.<br />
Jason and I planned our wedding as a destination.<br />
Everything was set and we were planning to be married in<br />
Jamaica the first week of September 2007. Both families<br />
were booked and ready to join us. Six months before<br />
our destination wedding mom told us she didn’t think<br />
she would be able to make it, and that flying would be<br />
impossible for her. The fix was easy. Because I find it easy<br />
to control what the future is, I knew I needed to plan a<br />
wedding at my childhood home, so that Mom could be<br />
there. Both families canceled their trip to Jamaica, and we<br />
began planning a backyard wedding for August 25, 2007.<br />
When finalizing everything one summer evening at the<br />
house with my mom, she said, “Sam, I don’t think I will<br />
make it to the wedding.”<br />
It was so close, I didn’t fathom Mom to be right in her<br />
speculation for the future. I responded, “Well, I don’t even<br />
want to talk about that, as it won’t happen that way.” I think<br />
about this still to this day and wish I had the conversation<br />
with Mom. I wasn’t ready to allow sadness to take from<br />
the euphoria I felt in the moments of wedding planning,<br />
and the thought of Mom not being around was much<br />
to devastating. During this time, I was an independent<br />
hairstylist and could set my own schedule. This allowed me<br />
the ability to be with Mom during her treatments if Dad was<br />
working overnight. Mom was a very independent person,<br />
so she never asked for help.<br />
August 3rd, 2007, my mom took her last breath with all<br />
of us surrounding her. Several doctors gave Mom 1-3<br />
months to live and Mom survived two years. She not only<br />
survived, but she LIVED. She graduated with her master’s in<br />
social work, continued a full caseload as a guardian ad-litem,<br />
was a school counselor for a local school, and let’s not forget<br />
fighting cancer. At one of the many hospitals stays with mom,<br />
my older sister asked my mom how she does it all; “One<br />
minute at a time. You can do anything for just one minute.”<br />
In another conversation, mom with me, mom talked about<br />
marriage and me marrying Jason. She said, “Sam, if I can<br />
give you any advice, it would be to not let life change the<br />
way you feel right now.” Mom and dad struggled with<br />
Me and Mom at our family vacation in Duck, NC.<br />
things in their marriage and in true fashion didn’t allow<br />
us kids to see how to fight properly as a married couple.<br />
Most of the time was spent with mom being cold to dad<br />
for reasons we never knew why. She continued, “I have<br />
spent so much time being mad at your dad, that I realize<br />
now how much we missed out on with each other, and<br />
now it’s too late.”<br />
Jason and I married August 25th as planned. I understand<br />
now that mom wasn’t going to make it to my wedding in<br />
the way she had hoped, but she was there. That summer<br />
was extremely dry, and everything was brown from the<br />
lack of rain and extreme heat. For five days straight it<br />
rained after mom died. We had the greenest, most<br />
perfect weather for our wedding day!<br />
They say you should never do big life changes during<br />
loss or tragedy. I understand what they mean by that.<br />
Mourning the loss of mom was stunted with feelings of<br />
excitement to a wedding. It confuses the brain, and then<br />
that trauma and sadness stays with you. Even after the<br />
wedding, mourning mom was put on hold with another<br />
tragedy.<br />
September 2nd, 2007, one week after our wedding,<br />
Jason and I were having a conversation about how<br />
we would be in Jamaica right now had we kept our<br />
original wedding plans. We agreed that our wedding<br />
was beautiful and worth the switch, even if mom wasn’t<br />
physically there. The morning of September 3rd, 2007, I<br />
was feeling sad, but happy it was a holiday weekend and<br />
could veg on the couch, or so I thought.<br />
“<br />
Exactly one month after Mom died and<br />
one week after our wedding, we were<br />
now getting the devastating news that<br />
our sister died.<br />
”
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