VL - Issue 8 - May 2013

INSPIRING LEADERSHIP
Teflon
“Like Teflon…” That is what I say to my executive
coaching clients. You have to be like Teflon when
others are throwing darts. Just let it slide right off like
eggs on a Teflon pan.
It’s not easy to do but this is one of the best
responses when colleagues, former friends, or even
family members are throwing verbal darts. In all my
years of coaching, I’ve seen many responses to gossip,
interpersonal difficulties, and even out-and-out
professional and personal attacks. I’ve seen scenarios
blow up into something much bigger than it originally
started out, and I’ve seen scenarios where it just went
away over a few days or weeks. In my experience, the
latter is much better. There is less collateral damage,
and the number of people injured by the verbal
response and defense is minimized.
I know you are probably agreeing with me so far.
You may be thinking “Right! That’s exactly what
people should do.”
It’s easy to say, and it’s easy for me to write, but
let’s face it, it is VERY difficult to do. Think back on your
most recent experience of someone saying something
about you either professionally or personally that
wasn’t true or accurate in the way that they were
positioning the information. Our first response is
almost always to defend ourselves, to set the record
straight, and to clear up the other person’s incorrect
thinking. Most of us have in fact, jumped into the
verbal tennis match more than once, me included.
The only problem is that it doesn’t work. It almost
never gets the result that we want. Instead of making
our point and clearing the air, what typically happens
is that we come across as defensive and as operating
on the exact same level as our attacker.
On the other hand when we don’t engage, the
whole scene usually fades away over the next few
days or weeks. I can think of a recent experience in
my home when my husband and our teenager were
beginning the cycle of a heated back and forth. Since
I wasn’t in the engagement, I could see more clearly
by Bonnie Hagemann
and started helping my husband by
saying “Abort! Abort!” He realized he had
been sucked into the battle and immediately
just stopped talking. Our teenager, left with
no one to battle, stomped off to curl her hair
only to reemerge a few minutes later in a good
mood as if the whole incident had never happened.
A workplace version of this scenario happened to
one of my coaching clients last year. A Vice President
in a large, publicly traded company was the target of
internal sabotage by another Vice President who
hoped to outlast him, since he couldn’t seem to outperform
my client. My client wanted to punch his lights
out but had opted for an out-and-out confrontation,
preferably with their boss in the room. I came in as he
was preparing his points for this crucial conversation.
“Wait!” I said. “Let’s think this thing through. What
do you expect to gain from this confrontation?”
I asked.
“I expect to straighten this jerk out and hopefully
my boss will see what an idiot he is!” He answered.
“I hear you, and I know you want to do that, but
I would like to challenge you to take a different
approach.”
“Well, ok,” he answered. “What approach is that?”
“I propose that you do absolutely nothing about what
he is saying,” I said as I saw his face turn a little pale.
“Hear me out,” I said. “Instead of using your
energy to prove him wrong, what if you use all of that
energy to get more results for the company? Which
one do you think will yield the greatest harvest in the
end?”
“Probably the results,” He answered, clearly
disappointed to have to give up his encounter with
the enemy.
“Yes, and if I remember right, you are going
for Senior Vice President, so let’s stay focused,”
I encouraged.
He got the message and did not confront his
workplace nemesis. Within seven days, the whole
thing had died down and turned into nothing. We can
never know for sure, but I feel confident that if he had
confronted his peer, it would have turned into a big
deal with Human Resources having to get involved
and an irritated boss in the middle of it.
You may be experiencing a situation where the
verbal attacks are coming straight for you and causing
you a lot of pain. I know I’m asking a lot, but just this
once, experiment with me… don’t answer. Be like
Teflon and let it slide right off. I have a feeling, you are
going to like the results.v
Bonnie Hagemann is a member of
the Board of Directors for Champion’s
Heart Ministries. Bonnie is the CEO of
Executive Development Associates, a
28-year-old internationally known
boutique consulting firm that
specializes in executive development,
executive coaching, and high
potential development. To date,
Bonnie has 11 published works.
Need wisdom for a business
decision? Visit Bonnie’s blog at
https://bonniehagemann.wordpress.com or use
your smart phone to scan the QR code.
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