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Vanguard Newspaper 09 October 2019
Vanguard Newspaper 09 October 2019
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30 — VANGUARD, WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2019<br />
My best friend’s fiance<br />
cheated with me!<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
My best friend, J, is gettmg<br />
married very soon, but I’m<br />
hiding a guilty secret from<br />
her. A few weeks ago, I was<br />
at a party, had a few <strong>to</strong>o many<br />
drinks, and her fiance made<br />
a play for me. I know I<br />
shouldn’t have done<br />
anything, but we ended up<br />
getting pretty steamy<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether.<br />
He said if I didn’t tell my<br />
friend, then we could enjoy<br />
more romps <strong>to</strong>gether when<br />
he’s married.<br />
The love-making was good<br />
and I was tempted <strong>to</strong> agree<br />
with him, but I refused. I<br />
couldn’t do that <strong>to</strong> my friend.<br />
I have felt really guilty since,<br />
but I really don’t know<br />
whether I should alert my<br />
friend on the type of<br />
philanderer she would be<br />
marrying.<br />
Diana, by e-mail<br />
The love-making was good<br />
and I was tempted <strong>to</strong> agree<br />
with him, but I refused. I<br />
couldn’t do that <strong>to</strong> my friend.<br />
I have felt really guilty since.<br />
Is he falling out of love with me?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I’ve been with my boyfriend<br />
for three years and I’d like <strong>to</strong><br />
believe that I treat him as well<br />
as I possibly can, because he’s<br />
my world. I met him when I<br />
was 17 and right away I knew<br />
he was the one. We had an<br />
incredible relationship for a<br />
long time, but, recently,<br />
things have started <strong>to</strong> go<br />
down hill.<br />
We have the type of<br />
relationship where we’re sure<br />
Dear Bun mi,<br />
My dad left the family<br />
three years ago, and my<br />
parents are now divorced.<br />
For those three years, my<br />
mum steered clear of<br />
relationships but, recently,<br />
she’s linked up with some<br />
of her friends and has<br />
suddenly started enjoying<br />
going <strong>to</strong> parties and<br />
outings with men. To<br />
date, I’ve counted five<br />
different men in the last<br />
eight months and none of<br />
them lasted more than a<br />
few weeks.<br />
I’m really worried about<br />
her and would want her <strong>to</strong><br />
slow down.<br />
Julie, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Julie,<br />
Dear Diana,<br />
Getting it <strong>to</strong>gether with your<br />
friend’s finance was not a<br />
good idea, as you’ve found<br />
out. You should be feeling<br />
guilty because, as a friend,<br />
she should have been able <strong>to</strong><br />
trust you. Even having had a<br />
few drinks, you should have<br />
known enough not <strong>to</strong> get<br />
involved. I wonder whether<br />
you were driven partly by<br />
jealousy over your best<br />
friend’s wedding. If you’re<br />
close, then you may secretly<br />
feel abandoned by her getting<br />
hooked. All friendships have<br />
<strong>to</strong> adapt <strong>to</strong> changes in life,<br />
but, if the bonds are strong,<br />
<strong>to</strong> let each other know how we<br />
feel, whether it be spilling out<br />
our hearts with ‘love yous’ or<br />
talking about what we don’t<br />
like about each other.<br />
Recently, he has been acting<br />
strangely and our phone<br />
conversations are stilted<br />
because it feels like there is<br />
nothing <strong>to</strong> talk about, which<br />
is weird, because we used <strong>to</strong><br />
talk at least four or five hours<br />
every night. I want <strong>to</strong> make<br />
things work between us<br />
Mum needs <strong>to</strong> s<strong>to</strong>p<br />
making a fool of herself<br />
If your dad had left two<br />
months ago, I’d be<br />
worried <strong>to</strong>o — your mum<br />
would be having sex just<br />
<strong>to</strong> ease the pain of him<br />
leaving and, in the end,<br />
would probably feel bad<br />
about herself and even<br />
more upset.<br />
But she’s taking time <strong>to</strong><br />
recover from her<br />
heartache, and now she’s<br />
finding out what she does<br />
and doesn’t want. Let her<br />
realise that you’re there if<br />
she needs <strong>to</strong> talk, but<br />
don’t interfere in her new<br />
love life.<br />
Gently get the message<br />
across <strong>to</strong> her that the<br />
highest rate in sexually<br />
transmitted diseases is<br />
among over-forties, who<br />
think they’re not at risk.<br />
You need <strong>to</strong> tactfully check<br />
she’s using condoms.<br />
then a good friendship can<br />
last a lifetime.<br />
You need <strong>to</strong> do what’s best<br />
for your friend, having made<br />
this mistake. She’s about <strong>to</strong><br />
get married <strong>to</strong> a man, who is<br />
obviously intending <strong>to</strong> cheat<br />
on her. If not with you, it<br />
would be with other women.<br />
Talking <strong>to</strong> your friend isn’t<br />
going <strong>to</strong> be easy and don’t<br />
expect her <strong>to</strong> be happy.<br />
She’s invested a lot of hopes<br />
in this relationship and she's<br />
not likely <strong>to</strong> believe you.<br />
You’ve made an awful mistake<br />
and you should learn <strong>to</strong> live<br />
with it, instead of dragging<br />
two people and an impending<br />
marriage down with you.<br />
because we have made so<br />
many plans <strong>to</strong>gether and I’m<br />
so in love with him.<br />
But we have reached the<br />
point where I don’t think he<br />
cares about our relationship<br />
anymore. Most conversations<br />
are dull and end with a simple<br />
‘goodnight’. It's killing me<br />
that he refuses <strong>to</strong> say that he<br />
loves me anymore, even<br />
though I know he does. I think<br />
he’s bored with the<br />
relationship, and, maybe I<br />
should let him go.<br />
Tiwa, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Tiwa,<br />
It’s quite common <strong>to</strong> go<br />
through phases like this in a<br />
relationship, but it’s not<br />
necessarily a sign that it is<br />
terminal. If you both love each<br />
other, then it’s worth fighting<br />
for. First of all, try <strong>to</strong> put less<br />
emphasis on phone calls and<br />
more on face-<strong>to</strong>-face contact.<br />
Talk about how you feel but<br />
make sure that’s not all you<br />
do.<br />
Go out, have fun and,<br />
sometimes, have a break from<br />
the talking and try laughing<br />
or cuddling - anything <strong>to</strong> take<br />
you out of yourselves and<br />
remind you what you saw in<br />
each other, in the first place.<br />
Having said that, remember<br />
that sometimes love dies,<br />
especially amongst young<br />
people who’ll have<br />
opportunities <strong>to</strong> meet more<br />
partners before they finally<br />
settle down.<br />
My weight is making me push<br />
hubby away<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
Since having my son last<br />
year, I’ve piled on the pounds<br />
and it’s really affected my selfconfidence.<br />
It has reached a<br />
point where I feel <strong>to</strong>o<br />
disgusting <strong>to</strong> get undressed<br />
in front of my husband, which<br />
has resulted in slowing down<br />
our sex life.<br />
He has always <strong>to</strong>ld me I’m<br />
beautiful and he finds me<br />
attractive, regardless of my<br />
weight, but I don’t believe<br />
him. 1 can see he’s getting<br />
frustrated by it all and we’ve<br />
been arguing more. I need<br />
help before it ruins our<br />
marriage!<br />
Imabong, by e-mail<br />
Dear Imabong,<br />
You’re being <strong>to</strong>o hard on<br />
yourself and your husband!<br />
He has made it clear that he<br />
loves you and thinks you’re<br />
beautiful. If you keep<br />
accusing him of lying <strong>to</strong> you,<br />
it really is going <strong>to</strong> start<br />
affecting your marriage.<br />
You are a busy mum who’s<br />
still adjusting <strong>to</strong> a new life<br />
with probably very little time<br />
for yourself. The more you're<br />
obsessed about the weight, the<br />
more of an issue it will<br />
become. I think you need <strong>to</strong><br />
start being your own friend.<br />
Congratulate yourself on<br />
having snared a great<br />
husband and producing a<br />
beautiful baby boy. Put some<br />
time aside <strong>to</strong> look after<br />
yourself by exercising and<br />
having the occasional stat at<br />
the beauty parlour. Focus on<br />
building self-esteem and<br />
seeing yourself as a whole<br />
person, not just a number on<br />
the scales!<br />
He’s an adulterer, he disgusts me<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I’m 46 and a divorced<br />
mother of two teenage<br />
children. Three years ago, I<br />
met this man at a wedding<br />
and he <strong>to</strong>ld me straightaway<br />
he was a married man.<br />
Despite this we carried on<br />
seeing each other, as I felt safe<br />
with him knowing the<br />
relationship wouldn’t go<br />
anywhere. He confided in me<br />
about his problems at home,<br />
saying the spark had gone out<br />
of his marriage and that he<br />
and his wife only had sex<br />
once in a blue moon. Later,<br />
however, I discovered that<br />
they’ve had another baby.<br />
We still carried on seeing<br />
each other because the sex<br />
was great. He then started<br />
going out with another single<br />
mother, and that was when I<br />
put a s<strong>to</strong>p <strong>to</strong> his fleet-footing.<br />
But he won’t leave me alone.<br />
He phones me all the time<br />
and tells me if he were <strong>to</strong> leave<br />
his wife for anyone, I would<br />
be the one. Quite frankly, he’s<br />
getting on my nerves. What<br />
should I do?<br />
Jumai, by e-mail<br />
Dear Jumai,<br />
Your ex-lover was looking for<br />
a bit of fun initially and was<br />
unprepared for the fact that<br />
he’d ended up having real<br />
feelings for you. But that<br />
doesn’t alter the fact that he<br />
is a liar and a cheat. And<br />
while he may have two lovers<br />
on the go, there’s only one<br />
person who really matters <strong>to</strong><br />
him - himself and his big ego.<br />
Well done for having the<br />
courage <strong>to</strong> end the<br />
relationship and for not<br />
crumbling under pressure. If<br />
you’re <strong>to</strong> have any hope on<br />
future happiness with a new<br />
partner, you must continue <strong>to</strong><br />
be strong. You deserve better<br />
than <strong>to</strong> be strung along by a<br />
man who is nothing but an<br />
adventurer. Tell him you have<br />
no feelings for him anymore<br />
and, if possible, invent a new<br />
lover!<br />
Could it be fun with mv first love?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I was in love with a man all<br />
through my teens and 20s. We<br />
never had sex, but a deep<br />
commitment <strong>to</strong>wards each<br />
other.<br />
In the end, I got married <strong>to</strong><br />
someone else and we lost<br />
<strong>to</strong>uch. I ran in<strong>to</strong> him recently<br />
at a friend’s office, only <strong>to</strong><br />
discover my feelings for him<br />
haven’t changed. He’s asked<br />
me <strong>to</strong> get in <strong>to</strong>uch by giving<br />
me his mobile number.<br />
Should I? Just <strong>to</strong> find out how<br />
it could have been with him?<br />
Mary, by e-mail<br />
Dear Mary,<br />
It’s been said that never<br />
quite getting <strong>to</strong>gether with<br />
someone you’re in love with<br />
is a bit like a half-finished<br />
s<strong>to</strong>ry. Now you want <strong>to</strong> see<br />
more of this man in order <strong>to</strong><br />
finish the s<strong>to</strong>ry.<br />
But be warned. If you find<br />
out love is impossible, you<br />
may gain inner peace, and be<br />
also able <strong>to</strong> live your future<br />
life happily.<br />
But if you discover this man<br />
still wants you <strong>to</strong>o, the<br />
chances are high you will end<br />
up risking your marriage and<br />
your happiness.<br />
Is it worth it? I don’t think<br />
so, but it is you who will have<br />
<strong>to</strong> make the decision.<br />
Share your problems and release your<br />
burden. Write now <strong>to</strong> Dear Bunmi,<br />
Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007,<br />
Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk