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Vanguard Newspaper 09 October 2019

Vanguard Newspaper 09 October 2019

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30 — VANGUARD, WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2019<br />

My best friend’s fiance<br />

cheated with me!<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

My best friend, J, is gettmg<br />

married very soon, but I’m<br />

hiding a guilty secret from<br />

her. A few weeks ago, I was<br />

at a party, had a few <strong>to</strong>o many<br />

drinks, and her fiance made<br />

a play for me. I know I<br />

shouldn’t have done<br />

anything, but we ended up<br />

getting pretty steamy<br />

<strong>to</strong>gether.<br />

He said if I didn’t tell my<br />

friend, then we could enjoy<br />

more romps <strong>to</strong>gether when<br />

he’s married.<br />

The love-making was good<br />

and I was tempted <strong>to</strong> agree<br />

with him, but I refused. I<br />

couldn’t do that <strong>to</strong> my friend.<br />

I have felt really guilty since,<br />

but I really don’t know<br />

whether I should alert my<br />

friend on the type of<br />

philanderer she would be<br />

marrying.<br />

Diana, by e-mail<br />

The love-making was good<br />

and I was tempted <strong>to</strong> agree<br />

with him, but I refused. I<br />

couldn’t do that <strong>to</strong> my friend.<br />

I have felt really guilty since.<br />

Is he falling out of love with me?<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

I’ve been with my boyfriend<br />

for three years and I’d like <strong>to</strong><br />

believe that I treat him as well<br />

as I possibly can, because he’s<br />

my world. I met him when I<br />

was 17 and right away I knew<br />

he was the one. We had an<br />

incredible relationship for a<br />

long time, but, recently,<br />

things have started <strong>to</strong> go<br />

down hill.<br />

We have the type of<br />

relationship where we’re sure<br />

Dear Bun mi,<br />

My dad left the family<br />

three years ago, and my<br />

parents are now divorced.<br />

For those three years, my<br />

mum steered clear of<br />

relationships but, recently,<br />

she’s linked up with some<br />

of her friends and has<br />

suddenly started enjoying<br />

going <strong>to</strong> parties and<br />

outings with men. To<br />

date, I’ve counted five<br />

different men in the last<br />

eight months and none of<br />

them lasted more than a<br />

few weeks.<br />

I’m really worried about<br />

her and would want her <strong>to</strong><br />

slow down.<br />

Julie, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Julie,<br />

Dear Diana,<br />

Getting it <strong>to</strong>gether with your<br />

friend’s finance was not a<br />

good idea, as you’ve found<br />

out. You should be feeling<br />

guilty because, as a friend,<br />

she should have been able <strong>to</strong><br />

trust you. Even having had a<br />

few drinks, you should have<br />

known enough not <strong>to</strong> get<br />

involved. I wonder whether<br />

you were driven partly by<br />

jealousy over your best<br />

friend’s wedding. If you’re<br />

close, then you may secretly<br />

feel abandoned by her getting<br />

hooked. All friendships have<br />

<strong>to</strong> adapt <strong>to</strong> changes in life,<br />

but, if the bonds are strong,<br />

<strong>to</strong> let each other know how we<br />

feel, whether it be spilling out<br />

our hearts with ‘love yous’ or<br />

talking about what we don’t<br />

like about each other.<br />

Recently, he has been acting<br />

strangely and our phone<br />

conversations are stilted<br />

because it feels like there is<br />

nothing <strong>to</strong> talk about, which<br />

is weird, because we used <strong>to</strong><br />

talk at least four or five hours<br />

every night. I want <strong>to</strong> make<br />

things work between us<br />

Mum needs <strong>to</strong> s<strong>to</strong>p<br />

making a fool of herself<br />

If your dad had left two<br />

months ago, I’d be<br />

worried <strong>to</strong>o — your mum<br />

would be having sex just<br />

<strong>to</strong> ease the pain of him<br />

leaving and, in the end,<br />

would probably feel bad<br />

about herself and even<br />

more upset.<br />

But she’s taking time <strong>to</strong><br />

recover from her<br />

heartache, and now she’s<br />

finding out what she does<br />

and doesn’t want. Let her<br />

realise that you’re there if<br />

she needs <strong>to</strong> talk, but<br />

don’t interfere in her new<br />

love life.<br />

Gently get the message<br />

across <strong>to</strong> her that the<br />

highest rate in sexually<br />

transmitted diseases is<br />

among over-forties, who<br />

think they’re not at risk.<br />

You need <strong>to</strong> tactfully check<br />

she’s using condoms.<br />

then a good friendship can<br />

last a lifetime.<br />

You need <strong>to</strong> do what’s best<br />

for your friend, having made<br />

this mistake. She’s about <strong>to</strong><br />

get married <strong>to</strong> a man, who is<br />

obviously intending <strong>to</strong> cheat<br />

on her. If not with you, it<br />

would be with other women.<br />

Talking <strong>to</strong> your friend isn’t<br />

going <strong>to</strong> be easy and don’t<br />

expect her <strong>to</strong> be happy.<br />

She’s invested a lot of hopes<br />

in this relationship and she's<br />

not likely <strong>to</strong> believe you.<br />

You’ve made an awful mistake<br />

and you should learn <strong>to</strong> live<br />

with it, instead of dragging<br />

two people and an impending<br />

marriage down with you.<br />

because we have made so<br />

many plans <strong>to</strong>gether and I’m<br />

so in love with him.<br />

But we have reached the<br />

point where I don’t think he<br />

cares about our relationship<br />

anymore. Most conversations<br />

are dull and end with a simple<br />

‘goodnight’. It's killing me<br />

that he refuses <strong>to</strong> say that he<br />

loves me anymore, even<br />

though I know he does. I think<br />

he’s bored with the<br />

relationship, and, maybe I<br />

should let him go.<br />

Tiwa, by e-mail.<br />

Dear Tiwa,<br />

It’s quite common <strong>to</strong> go<br />

through phases like this in a<br />

relationship, but it’s not<br />

necessarily a sign that it is<br />

terminal. If you both love each<br />

other, then it’s worth fighting<br />

for. First of all, try <strong>to</strong> put less<br />

emphasis on phone calls and<br />

more on face-<strong>to</strong>-face contact.<br />

Talk about how you feel but<br />

make sure that’s not all you<br />

do.<br />

Go out, have fun and,<br />

sometimes, have a break from<br />

the talking and try laughing<br />

or cuddling - anything <strong>to</strong> take<br />

you out of yourselves and<br />

remind you what you saw in<br />

each other, in the first place.<br />

Having said that, remember<br />

that sometimes love dies,<br />

especially amongst young<br />

people who’ll have<br />

opportunities <strong>to</strong> meet more<br />

partners before they finally<br />

settle down.<br />

My weight is making me push<br />

hubby away<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

Since having my son last<br />

year, I’ve piled on the pounds<br />

and it’s really affected my selfconfidence.<br />

It has reached a<br />

point where I feel <strong>to</strong>o<br />

disgusting <strong>to</strong> get undressed<br />

in front of my husband, which<br />

has resulted in slowing down<br />

our sex life.<br />

He has always <strong>to</strong>ld me I’m<br />

beautiful and he finds me<br />

attractive, regardless of my<br />

weight, but I don’t believe<br />

him. 1 can see he’s getting<br />

frustrated by it all and we’ve<br />

been arguing more. I need<br />

help before it ruins our<br />

marriage!<br />

Imabong, by e-mail<br />

Dear Imabong,<br />

You’re being <strong>to</strong>o hard on<br />

yourself and your husband!<br />

He has made it clear that he<br />

loves you and thinks you’re<br />

beautiful. If you keep<br />

accusing him of lying <strong>to</strong> you,<br />

it really is going <strong>to</strong> start<br />

affecting your marriage.<br />

You are a busy mum who’s<br />

still adjusting <strong>to</strong> a new life<br />

with probably very little time<br />

for yourself. The more you're<br />

obsessed about the weight, the<br />

more of an issue it will<br />

become. I think you need <strong>to</strong><br />

start being your own friend.<br />

Congratulate yourself on<br />

having snared a great<br />

husband and producing a<br />

beautiful baby boy. Put some<br />

time aside <strong>to</strong> look after<br />

yourself by exercising and<br />

having the occasional stat at<br />

the beauty parlour. Focus on<br />

building self-esteem and<br />

seeing yourself as a whole<br />

person, not just a number on<br />

the scales!<br />

He’s an adulterer, he disgusts me<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

I’m 46 and a divorced<br />

mother of two teenage<br />

children. Three years ago, I<br />

met this man at a wedding<br />

and he <strong>to</strong>ld me straightaway<br />

he was a married man.<br />

Despite this we carried on<br />

seeing each other, as I felt safe<br />

with him knowing the<br />

relationship wouldn’t go<br />

anywhere. He confided in me<br />

about his problems at home,<br />

saying the spark had gone out<br />

of his marriage and that he<br />

and his wife only had sex<br />

once in a blue moon. Later,<br />

however, I discovered that<br />

they’ve had another baby.<br />

We still carried on seeing<br />

each other because the sex<br />

was great. He then started<br />

going out with another single<br />

mother, and that was when I<br />

put a s<strong>to</strong>p <strong>to</strong> his fleet-footing.<br />

But he won’t leave me alone.<br />

He phones me all the time<br />

and tells me if he were <strong>to</strong> leave<br />

his wife for anyone, I would<br />

be the one. Quite frankly, he’s<br />

getting on my nerves. What<br />

should I do?<br />

Jumai, by e-mail<br />

Dear Jumai,<br />

Your ex-lover was looking for<br />

a bit of fun initially and was<br />

unprepared for the fact that<br />

he’d ended up having real<br />

feelings for you. But that<br />

doesn’t alter the fact that he<br />

is a liar and a cheat. And<br />

while he may have two lovers<br />

on the go, there’s only one<br />

person who really matters <strong>to</strong><br />

him - himself and his big ego.<br />

Well done for having the<br />

courage <strong>to</strong> end the<br />

relationship and for not<br />

crumbling under pressure. If<br />

you’re <strong>to</strong> have any hope on<br />

future happiness with a new<br />

partner, you must continue <strong>to</strong><br />

be strong. You deserve better<br />

than <strong>to</strong> be strung along by a<br />

man who is nothing but an<br />

adventurer. Tell him you have<br />

no feelings for him anymore<br />

and, if possible, invent a new<br />

lover!<br />

Could it be fun with mv first love?<br />

Dear Bunmi,<br />

I was in love with a man all<br />

through my teens and 20s. We<br />

never had sex, but a deep<br />

commitment <strong>to</strong>wards each<br />

other.<br />

In the end, I got married <strong>to</strong><br />

someone else and we lost<br />

<strong>to</strong>uch. I ran in<strong>to</strong> him recently<br />

at a friend’s office, only <strong>to</strong><br />

discover my feelings for him<br />

haven’t changed. He’s asked<br />

me <strong>to</strong> get in <strong>to</strong>uch by giving<br />

me his mobile number.<br />

Should I? Just <strong>to</strong> find out how<br />

it could have been with him?<br />

Mary, by e-mail<br />

Dear Mary,<br />

It’s been said that never<br />

quite getting <strong>to</strong>gether with<br />

someone you’re in love with<br />

is a bit like a half-finished<br />

s<strong>to</strong>ry. Now you want <strong>to</strong> see<br />

more of this man in order <strong>to</strong><br />

finish the s<strong>to</strong>ry.<br />

But be warned. If you find<br />

out love is impossible, you<br />

may gain inner peace, and be<br />

also able <strong>to</strong> live your future<br />

life happily.<br />

But if you discover this man<br />

still wants you <strong>to</strong>o, the<br />

chances are high you will end<br />

up risking your marriage and<br />

your happiness.<br />

Is it worth it? I don’t think<br />

so, but it is you who will have<br />

<strong>to</strong> make the decision.<br />

Share your problems and release your<br />

burden. Write now <strong>to</strong> Dear Bunmi,<br />

Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007,<br />

Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk

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