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The<br />
Christmas<br />
Present Tale<br />
We have never been an extravagant present<br />
giving family and every year I dread the whole<br />
present buying shenanigans. I know I am a<br />
miserable old Grinch but I can’t help it, along<br />
with an aversion to cleaning, it’s genetic...<br />
My mum prides herself on sourcing unusual<br />
and often, it has to be said, strange gifts. As<br />
a supporter of many a worthy cause she uses<br />
their Christmas catalogues for inspiration.<br />
Inevitably one of us will end up with a CD of<br />
whale mating calls (usually Gary, thankfully!)<br />
or a microwavable pillow stuffed with cherry<br />
pips (yes that really was a thing).<br />
Another recent corker (pun intended) was<br />
a wine tasting evening for four (also given<br />
to Gary). It sounded great. Free wine and<br />
the promise of a complimentary bottle at the<br />
end of the night. We persuaded two mates<br />
(who don’t have naughty dogs) to host the<br />
evening. I have to say it was one of the<br />
most cringe worthy nights ever. Mr Vino<br />
turned up with his cool box and proceeded<br />
to give us dolls house sized samples whilst<br />
generously topping his own glass up. At the<br />
end of the evening he asked us for our order.<br />
Tumbleweed blew across the fl oor... to fill the<br />
crashing silence I foolishly asked how much<br />
for a bottle...the cheapest was about £19,<br />
minimum order of 12!!! Cue more tumbleweed<br />
and stifl ed giggling. Then Mr Vino turned<br />
nasty as he was ushered out by my poor<br />
friend who hasn’t invited us back since.<br />
Every year there are always smellies and<br />
pants. I usually get a gift set of talc and<br />
soap (does anyone even use these toiletries<br />
anymore?). To make matters worse it is<br />
usually lavender scented. Not being funny<br />
but I’m not 90 yet (although by the end of<br />
Christmas I usually look and feel it). And then<br />
we get to the comedy pants (Gary again)...<br />
Always hilariously over-sized and usually<br />
with some super hero theme. However, when<br />
these start to be worn on a daily basis (as<br />
pointed out by youngest son), they are no<br />
longer remotely funny and you know it’s time<br />
for a trip to M&S.<br />
Once the presents are purchased they must<br />
be wrapped. Sitting cross legged on the<br />
bedroom fl oor surrounded by paper, sellotape<br />
and weirdly shaped gifts (why do I do that?)<br />
I take a deep breath and begin, consuming<br />
at least one chocolate orange in the process<br />
(sorry dad, I’ll get you another one). Which<br />
reminds me, a couple of years ago my dad<br />
really excelled himself by wrapping presents<br />
up in tin foil as he couldn’t be arsed to get<br />
wrapping paper...and you wonder where I get<br />
it from!<br />
I will end on a note about cards. Why buy<br />
Christmas cards for your nearest and dearest<br />
when you can use the British Red Cross<br />
freebies that come through the post? Yes<br />
boys, I know...<br />
I hope you all get what you wish for (and<br />
plenty besides).<br />
Merry Christmas.<br />
© Ali Wale