Credit Management December 2019

EDITOR’S COLUMN
An alternative Manifesto
for the Christmas Party
Sean Feast FCICM
Managing Editor
IT’S Christmas and we have a
general election. Two of my least
favourite activities colliding in
a storm of perfect misery. So to
cheer myself up, and to bring to
a close my (first) 10 years editing
this prestigious journal, I bring to you
my very alternative manifesto. Nothing
political; too risky. Just a short list of things
I’d change if ever the day came when I gave
up wanting to be normal, or taller, and
became Prime Minister instead. Here goes.
Umbrellas – should be banned from
pavements and public streets. Men and
women are to blame equally. Men for their
ridiculously over-sized golf umbrellas that
they use to bully people into oncoming
traffic, and women with their equally silly
pop-up numbers whose spokes break in the
wind and poke you in the eye.
Escalators – heavy fines would be
imposed to anyone who stops at the foot of
an escalator, or who stands on the left at
any stage.
Pay-as-you-go bicycles – started as a
good, eco idea but now litter our streets,
abandoned in a chaos of garish colours
that are somehow totally incongruous with
a city scape.
Apprenticeships – there would be
more of them. We need to admit that
degrees are not everything, have (sadly)
become increasingly devalued, and that in
many cases apprenticeships are more
appropriate and better serve our youth.
(A bit serious that one!)
Middle lanes – I would ban middle lanes
to immediately remove the annoying
middle-lane driver phenomenon.
Cyclists generally – no cyclist of any
age or gender should be allowed on the
road without having passed a cycling
proficiency test. Bikes are dangerous in
the wrong hands. Vehicle drivers are not to
blame for everything.
Cats – I would pass a law that everyone
should own one. I hated cats until I got one
as a half-way house between a goldfish and
a dog, to see if I could look after an animal
for more than three months without it
dying or running away. Now I would never
be without one.
Internal emails – and specifically the
‘reply all’ function – would be abolished.
I am not interested in a dozen ‘woo-hoo’
responses to ‘cakes in the kitchen’ when I
am 500-miles away in a client meeting or
on the road. Thank you.
Robbie Williams – will be banned under
a Christmas Party government. Along with
Paul McCartney, Lewis Hamilton, and
Ben Fogle. Fogle’s Labrador can stay on
probation. It’s not his fault.
Awesome – will be removed from the
OED along with other unnecessary words
and phrases that have crept (undeservedly)
into our language such as Reaching out,
Circling Back, and Looping in.
VAR – will be abolished. It is an
experiment that has failed. The offside
law has now become a nonsense and so
too handball. Neither has been helped by
video interpretation and destroy the spirit
of the game.
Love Island – will be state-funded. It
might not be any good for the contestants,
but it’s doing my mental wellbeing no end
of good and reminds you that however
bad your life has become, there are always
people worse off than you.
These would be my immediate priorities.
I would have to deal with other equally
serious issues including Vegan bores,
Prompt Payment Code detractors, and
the French (Je suis désolé Pierre, ce n’est
qu’une blague!) in my second term.
Joyeux Noel.
The Recognised Standard / www.cicm.com / December 2019 / PAGE 4