Viva Lewes Issue #159 December 2019

HEALTH
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide
Learning to talk about it
There is still a very real
stigma around suicide,
Peter Bridgewater tells
me. We find it hard, as
a society, to talk about
it. Despite the fact it is
actually so common: more
people die from suicide
in the UK than from road
accidents; and, tragically,
it’s the most common cause of death among
20 to 35 year olds. But it brings in its wake so
many complicated feelings, and trauma: it’s different
from any other kind of bereavement.
And this is why Survivors of Bereavement
by Suicide (SOBS) exists. “It was set up 28
years ago, by a woman in Hull who had lost
her brother to suicide and couldn’t find any
supportive environment in which to talk about
it. So she put an ad in her local paper, and the
support group model was born.”
This isn’t a counselling service – and the people
who convene and facilitate these groups aren’t
counsellors. It’s a self-help support group. And
everyone involved, including the volunteers,
are themselves survivors – ie they have lost
someone close to them to suicide.
Peter, who for many years ran Ivy Press, on
School Hill, set up and facilitates the Lewes
group with two colleagues. “I lost both my
parents to suicide many years ago,” he tells
me. “My father when I was 21 and my mother
when I was 33.” Peter says he’s lucky to have
supportive brothers: “I’m the youngest; there
are six years between each of us. We’ve always
been able to talk about it. Suicide makes many
people feel blighted; families tend to either pull
closer, or disintegrate. A suicide is like dropping
a hand grenade into a
family.
“Most bereaved survivors
who’ve lost someone
to suicide will experience
guilt, shame and
the ‘what ifs’. There will
always be unanswerable
questions. People never
really resolve the ‘whys’.
Meeting with others who have experienced
similar tragedies can help.”
In the South East, there are currently groups
in Lewes, Hove and Margate. (You need three
people to set one up; more groups would
always help.) The Lewes group has been going
for about four years. It meets twice a month,
and usually, Peter says, “about eight people turn
up to a meeting” (out of 60 to 70 ‘members’).
Peter himself volunteered for the Samaritans at
Eastbourne for 15 years, starting the training
when he was 40; he then spent ten years with
Cruse Bereavement Care, another support service.
He’s happy now that he’s come full circle
and is working supporting others bereaved by
suicide. “There’s often no visible warning whatsoever
before someone takes their life,” he says.
“Half of all suicides have never had any contact
with mental health services.
“We want to raise awareness that our group exists,
and what it does. It’s so helpful for people
who find themselves in this tragic position to
realise they are not alone, nor the only ones.
We’d also like to let everyone know that suicide
is common. We need to find ways of talking
about it…” Charlotte Gann
Contact Peter at sobs.southdowns@gmail.com or
07902084397. uksobs.org
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