Alice Vol. 5 No. 1

Why am I sorry to bother you?
Opinion piece after opinion piece attempts to tackle the subject in relation to
apologetic behavior in the workplace and cultural upbringing. But they almost all come
to one conclusion: Women are taught from a young age to be sympathetic towards
others and their emotions. In speaking to my own friends about the issue, they admitted
to over- apologizing “all the time,” with some acknowledging it in themselves and some
having friends who constantly call them out on this behavior. Yet as helpful as personal
anecdotes are when it comes to understanding the commonality of the catch-all
phrase, the lack of factual evidence makes the subject matter seem lackluster or overexaggerated.
However, the general consensus in regards to how “sorry” affects young
girls and women points to the development of self-esteem over time.
Katherine Oths, an anthropology professor at The University of Alabama, said via
email that the apology reflex reflects on how women are taught to refrain from outright
statements and often soften their commentary with a “sorry.”
“It’s a response that girls are socialized into making
as a preface to whatever they are about to do, even
if it’s something as simple as alerting you they need
space to get past you, or whatever opinion they are
about to offer, in part of our insecurity that their
opinion matters, and in part to blunt any impression
they might give of being assertive or confident,” Oths
said.
You have no reason to apologize for taking up space, whether it be verbally or
physically, so don’t. Save your apologies for when you truly need them and wield
ownership over your words and self-worth.
“I think there’s a bigger issue around sorry, especially
with girls,” Barbie said. “We say it a lot…Like it’s a
reflex, and somehow everything that goes wrong is
our fault.”
This lack of confidence is slowly, but surely, changing and progressing from what
it once was. The power balance is continuing to shift as the wage gap closes and more
women are in positions of leadership across the board. Nevertheless, until we can
raise a generation of women who are shamelessly bold and empowered, the women
of the modern era are going to need to strive towards building one another up while
apologizing less for doing so.
“When I learned how to turn ‘sorry’ into ‘thank you', it
changed my life.”
Knowing when a sorry is appropriate is the first step in taking back the weight
and power of the word. Apologies are necessary in circumstances where one party (or
both) is in the wrong and wants to reconcile for what was said or done. This should be
a given but you do not need to say sorry for asking a question in class or for slipping
past someone trying to get to your seat. Calling people out on said behavior lets them
recognize their redundant use of the word, restoring their confidence.
“When any student, male or female, uses this
preface..., I gently suggest that there is never a need
to apologize in advance for what they have to say,”
Oths said. “That apologies are only needed if they
have wronged or hurt someone. I note that by the end
of the semester in my seminar courses, the phrase is
almost never used.”
58 Alice Winter 2020
Alice Winter 2020 59