Darwin caught! Police released photos of the suspect and vehicle they were searching for in connection to the incident. Just over an hour later, the department said they had their man, later identified as Terry E. Campbell, in custody, the story said. Campbell, 35, was charged with first-degree kidnapping, first-degree robbery, first-degree sexual abuse, first-degree tampering with a motor vehicle and two counts of armed criminal action. I thought the two teens leaving behind soda cans with their DNA were the winners of the Dumbest Criminals Award for this issue, but no, these two men instead have earned that honor. According to a June 8 Champion Newspaper story, two men suspected of burglarizing and vandalizing a car wash in Yucaipa, California, were arrested in the parking lot of the Home Depot store in Chino by the Chino Police Department. Zachary Thomas Dunmore, 34, and Paul Michael Kolacki, 31, were booked into the West Valley Detention Center in Rancho Cucamonga on charges of commercial burglary, conspiracy and vandalism. “It was discovered that on Wednesday, June 3, between 3:43 a.m. and 4:17 a.m., a 2003 black Chevy Tahoe arrived at the car wash,” Deputy M. Miller said in the story. “Video surveillance footage revealed that two males attempted to pry open the steel door to the business using a tow bar, causing damage to the door but were unsuccessful in gaining entry.” The two same two men returned to the car wash at 3:49 a.m. the next day in the same vehicle, but had a ramming device attached to a rear trailer hitch. Surveillance video showed the Tahoe ramming the steel door, and two men stealing $2,000 in coins and disabling the surveillance system prior to driving away, according to the story. When police noticed a vehicle in the parking lot of a nearby Home Depot, they knew they had their suspects. Why? Well, for one, it was odd that a vehicle was parked at a Home Depot at 3:30 a.m. in the morning. And, two, the vehicle still had the ramming device attached to the rear trailer hitch. Okay, I take back the accolade I gave to the criminals in the earlier story with the Tahoe. Instead, I bequeath this next guy with the title of “Dumbest Criminal.” Let’s start with the fact that his getaway stealthiness was more Mr. Magoo than the Fast and the Furious. In fact, his attempt to flee the crime scene was so extremely short-lived, it earned this amazing headline in The Age out of Brisbane, Australia: $320k Porsche gone in 60 seconds, caught in 500 metres. Last May in Brisbane, an opportunistic thief was arrested just one-third of a mile from a West 68 • SUMMER 2020 Melbourne car wash where he allegedly stole a $320,000 Porsche 911 GTS, the story said. The vehicle “has a top speed of 310km/h but barely got out of second gear during a bungled getaway.” The owner of the Porsche said he was drinking coffee while the folks at the full serve Magic Hand car wash were doing their magic. A car wash employee was apparently confused and handed the keys to the alleged thief after complimenting him on the luxury sports car, the story said. “Not lacking in self-confidence, the man allegedly told the attendant, ‘If you work hard, you could have a car like this,’ before turning left onto the street. Wow, way to be way too arrogant. I would also like to make an editor’s note that this has never happened with my 2015 Town and Country minivan with toys spilling out of the door jambs. What gives? Police immediately saw the gleaming red Porsche just three blocks away, the story said. The alleged thief rammed several cars in a desperate bid to escape. But, it didn’t work. Police were able to catch the driver and arrest him on charges of driving while disqualified, driving under the influence of drugs and two counts of drug possession. The incident is understood to have been captured by closed-circuit cameras at the car wash, the story said. Meanwhile, the Porsche owner says the repair bill for his car is expected to exceed $100,000 Officers in Woodland, California, were able to stop a burglary in progress at the Sundance Car Wash last May. According to the Sacramento Bee, officers received notice that a burglary alarm had been tripped at the Sundance Car Wash around 11 p.m. Video surveillance at the car wash caught two intruders on camera, one was up on the roof and the other was inside. Officers soon arrived on the scene and surrounded the car wash. Li Ming, 55, was uncooperative with officers and was subsequently arrested for obstruction and Anthony Winger, 33, was arrested and later booked on suspicion of burglary. It is unclear which one was on the roof, but police believe Winger was the one who cut camera cables (apparently not the right cables) and ransacked the inside of the car wash as he searched for items to steal, the story said. They are both booked at the Yolo County Jail, giving an ironic new twist to the viral acronym in that yes, You Only Live Once, but how about: OYGCYSFARG? Which stands for: Once You Get Caught You Should Find A Real Job. Move it or lose it I will lose it! In a case of spoiled-adult-syndrome, a man in Palm Beach, Florida, made it very clear that he didn’t learn about being patient in kindergarten. According to The Palm Beach Post, while fueling his work truck at a gas station, a man said he was involved in a physical altercation. He said the trailer on his truck was blocking the exit to a gas station’s car wash. A motorist had just gone through the car wash and asked the man to move. The victim said he told the motorist that he’d move as soon as his vehicle was fueled, the story said. This apparently did not go over well with the motorist who then began cursing and demanding he move. “Having reached his verbal vs. physical threshold,” the story said, “the motorist punched the man in the face.” The man then moved his truck and let the motorist pass. The incident was caught on camera and police were able to get the assailant’s license plate number. Welp, at least they’re being honest. After a couple were caught red-handed robbing a car wash, they pleaded that they needed the money for food and for their drug addiction. Don’t these cops understand that drugs are expensive nowadays? Geesh. According to the Times Herald, investigators believe they have caught at least two people responsible for a number of car wash robberies in the Fairview Township, Pennsylvania, area. Justin William Kline, 30, has been accused of smashing open coin machines at the Community Car Wash back in February. And Amy Jo Kemmerer, 33, and a third person named “Jay,” were caught on surveillance cameras parking a 2005 Ford Focus during the robbery, which was missing a rear driver side hubcap. They all then smashed open coin machines between 2:34 a.m. and 3:09 a.m. Fairview Township police investigated the theft and damages and found that police in Butler Township had a photograph of a Ford missing a rear driver side hubcap that was taken weeks earlier due to a drug overdose incident. A few weeks later on March 7, police in Old Forge stopped the Ford, operated by Kemmerer. Police ran the vehicle and found that Kemmerer and Kline were wanted by Hanover Township police for a different coin machine break-in, which this time took place at the Sans Souci Car Wash on March 5. After they were jailed, Kemmerer told investigators they needed money to, “support their drug addictions and food, and Kline claimed he did not remember, only admitting to stealing ‘pennies’ from car washes,” the complaint says. Kline and Kemmerer are facing related charges in county court for the alleged theft at the car wash and they are facing open charges for the car wash thefts in Wright Township. No word on the third suspect named “Jay.”
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