Parish Cake Autumn 2020

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storytime THE VIEW TO A MILL PART II BY MIGNON BRIAN A SISSINGHURST-BASED AUTHOR Larry, Downing Street Chief Mouser, spy for British Intelligence and Her Majesty, had just seconds to stop Dr Doo from launching a missile and destroying the Cranbrook Union Mill. Larry, now inside the Doo Compound, was ready to save the day the British way. “10!” piped a disembodied voice. “And we’re off,” whispered Larry. He pulled his pistol from his utility belt. Larry was covered top to paws in a black, bulletproof jumpsuit and balaclava. He aimed his pistol at the ceiling and deployed the suction cup and cord mechanism then pawed the yellow button, held onto the pistol. The cord recoiled back into the pistol’s barrel. “9!” With one paw, Larry fumbled with his utility belt and pulled out four small suction cups. Then, like only a cat can, he twisted his body in impossible ways to apply them to each paw and then attached himself to the ceiling, looking like a spider-cat. He then began to combat crawl along the ceiling to the laboratory where he could hear multiple humans barking orders to each other. He lowered his head and peeked inside the doorway. “8!” The lab was typical. Computers, desks, maps and a glass wall with a stinking great eight-foot-long missile. Larry couldn’t believe what he’d clapped eyes on. This missile was big enough to take Cranbrook off the map. Luckily, Larry was equipped with a Catnap-Grenade. He unhooked it from his utility belt, put the grenade to his mouth, pulled the pin with a fang - and that was when he noticed one of the humans was looking up at him gobsmacked. “7!” “Hello!” Larry chirped. “Just thought I’d drop by.” Larry dropped the grenade. All the humans now gawped at Larry, gawped at the grenade, then began to push each other out of the way to the exit. Calmly, Larry activated his balaclava’s inbuilt gasmask. The grenade went off with a flash of light then a cloud of grey coloured gas. The humans looked ay each other, puzzled expressions on their faces, then dropped where they stood. “Having a ‘Licence to Nap,’ makes it all too easy,” yawned Larry behind his mask. “Suction deactivate,” he said. Immediately the cups on his paws lost their suction and Larry fell, twisted mid-air and landed on the computer console. “6!” He began to thump away at a computer. A map of Kent and London appeared on the screen. Larry began to tap away at the missile coordinates. “HALT!” barked a voice behind him. Larry heard the unmistakable ‘click’ of a gun that did not contain utilities. “5!” Larry slowly turned around and sat back on his hind legs. A huge caramel brown Alsatian dog sat in the doorway; gun pointed at Larry. “Well, well, well,” said the dog. “If it isn’t my little mouse catching nemesis.” It was, Dr Doo himself. Doo stared menacingly at Larry with giant watery brown eyes. He’d fastened a mask to his snout, immune to the toxins of the grenade. “4!” “Why Cranbrook?” asked Larry, as he slyly raised one back leg to fish around in his utility belt with his back claws. “Did some local take you out for walkies and made you scoop your own dodo, Doo?” Larry couldn’t help but giggle at his own joke. Doo snarled. “Well, as I’m going to kill you, I may as well tell you…” Doo began his monologue. “Under the Union Mill, buried deep, is the largest gold nugget ever stolen. It’s priceless and was buried there by the Hawkhurst Gang back in 1748. Only they got themselves shot or hung before they could retrieve it. I need to blast big enough to cause a distraction. During that time my humans will retrieve the gold and, just like that, I’ll be gone.” Larry yawned loudly as he pulled a small glass breaking baton from his belt. “3!” “Sounds like you’ve been reading too many story books,” chortled Larry. Doo barked smugly. “Oh Larry, I received the information from Downing Street. You’ve got a RAT! You never can seem to catch them, can you?” Larry’s tail puffed-out, but he’d run out of time. “2!” The missile began to rumble. “Well, I’d love to stay and chat,” said Larry. “But I must fly!” 38 Parish Cake • Autumn 2020
In the space of half a second Larry hit enter on the computer, threw the baton against the glass which exploded and cat leapt onto the missile with his suction cup paws. Doo was firing his gun, but the bullets harmlessly bounced of Larry’s bulletproof suit. “1 – missile activated!” The missile took off with Larry attached. He heard Doo howl in his wake. Larry had changed the missiles direction to that of the River Thames in London. Flying at 300 miles per hour, he was there in minutes. Larry pawed a large red button on his vest and a Union Jack flag parachute popped open, pulling him off the missile. Larry, now flying safely through the air, watched the missile splash down and detonate deep underwater near Tower Bridge. Then to Larry’s horror, a large water bubble formed then exploded, raining greenish-brown river water on anyone driving or walking over the bridge. Cars’ horns started blaring and people started swearing. “You’ll cool off!” Larry yelled, whilst cringing. Meanwhile, at Downing Street, the PM was in his office, talking to his dog in a cutesy voice when an assistant passed him a note. As he read it his face turned redder and redder until he looked like an exploding tomato. “LARRY!” he screamed. Helen Grant MP for Maidstone and the Weald I am here to help you in any way that I can. If there is an issue of concern to you, where you believe I can assist, or if you would like to arrange a meeting with me, please email me at helen. grant.mp@parliament.uk or telephone 020 7219 7107. helengrant.org @HelenGrantMP helengrantmp Produced by Helen Grant MP, House of Commons, London SW1A 0AA FOX construction RENOVATIONS & REFURBISHMENTS Kent Peg Tiling Bespoke Joinery Bespoke Bathrooms Period & Listed Buildings Conversions & Extensions Traditional Lime Plastering Renovations & Refurbishments T:01580 712072 M:07787 948823 foxconstructionkent.co.uk Parish Cake • Autumn 2020 39
Page 1 and 2: AUTUMN 2020 Parish Cake YOUR SLICE
Page 3 and 4: Parish Cake YOUR SLICE OF CRANBROOK
Page 5 and 6: comment CHAIRMAN’S MESSAGE THE PA
Page 9 and 10: NEIGHBOURHOOD PLAN Design & Heritag
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Page 17 and 18: NEIGHBOURHOOD PLAN Culture & Commun
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Page 23 and 24: news VICAR FEARS LOSING HER GARDEN
Page 25 and 26: news cupcakes THE NEW slide in the
Page 28 and 29: Offering luxury designer clothing h
Page 30 and 31: inpictures Captured on Camera Durin
Page 32 and 33: ENJOYING TODAY EDUCATING FOR TOMORR
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Parish Cake Autumn 2020

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