Storyline Fall 2020

ever felt like God was trying to get through to
you, and sometimes He has to hit you over
the head repeatedly before you get it? Yeah
... It was then that I realized my miscarriage
had changed the way I viewed God. After
losing that baby, I began to believe the lie
that God is not trustworthy. I believed He let
me down, and He failed me. I didn't want to
give this new baby over to Him because look
what He’d done with the last one. Without
realizing it, or saying it out loud, those were
the thoughts I had been having about God.
After being confronted with this, I went home
and began to pray – really pray. Honestly.
I told God that I was mad at Him ... I finally
understood how people could be mad at
God. I told Him that I was upset that He didn't
stop it, when I believed He could have. I asked
Him why He doesn't intervene when these
bad things happen. And then I was met with
a picture ... a picture of my baby, dancing at
His feet in Heaven. All at once, He reminded
me that He never wanted the world to be
like this; that this reality isn't what He had in
mind either. He reminded me that He lost
His child too, and He understands. He began
to illuminate the places that He was as I was
losing that baby. I suddenly began to see His
fingerprints all over the situation. I began
to see Him longing to carry me through it,
only for me to push Him away, wanting to do
things on my own. When I cried out asking
Him to hold my whole world, I didn't realize it
at the time, but He was. He was holding that
baby. How wonderful that the first face she
saw when she opened her eyes was the face
of Jesus. He never let go of my whole world.
He carried me, my husband, our son, and our
angel baby. And then in His infinite goodness,
He gave us another baby. Another chance to
trust Him ...
So in church one weekend after that, we
were singing the song, "Raise A Hallelujah."
Normally, for my job, I am sitting in the tech
booth calling cues and pushing buttons. On
this particular weekend, we had a volunteer
director calling cues, and I wasn't really
needed in the booth, so I sat in the seats and
took in the service. It was like God knew I
needed to focus on what He had to say that
day. As we sang the song, the line "Heaven
comes to fight for me" stuck out. I felt like
it was God speaking right to me saying, "I
will fight for you! I have always fought for
you. Can you trust Me again?" It was in that
moment that I decided to put my trust in Him
again and give this baby growing in my belly
over to Him. I told Him I would go to Thailand,
trusting Him with this baby. I knew it would
be a decision that a lot of people would
question. I also knew that if I came back with
Zika virus, and our baby was stillborn or born
with serious birth defects, I would be seen as
incredibly foolish, and I would be devastated.
But I also knew that God was faithful, even
when things don't go the way we think they
should.
I learned that a faithful God doesn't mean
that life is all unicorns and sunshine ... God
was faithful to us, even in our miscarriage,
because He never changed. He never left us,
through all of it. He never left me, even when
I was leaving Him. He was and is faithful,
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