Asian American Arts Zine - Volume 4

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P A G E 2 3F A M I L Y A N D I D E N T I T YBelow are the thoughts I had along with the time I created this artwork: I’ve lost counton how may days I cried after an argument, stemming from a conversation aboutracism. About noticing our implicit and explicit biases. About the history we don’tknow. Her questions made me realize I only knew half of the story. I had to go back,reflect and educate myself. I needed to look at myself, too. My mind flashes back to anold memory, practicing in front of the mirror to look like Mulan. The image of her onthe cover of the cassette tape case was implanted in my head. I told my mom I wasMulan and I slanted my eyes in front of my mom. She quickly told me not to do that. Iwas confused…at how I look. A deja vu moment. I believed the birth story my thirdgrade classmates fabricated for me. My mom had to correct me again when she readmy timeline project.————One morning my mom woke up from a nightmare and expressed feelings of frustration,confusion, guilt and shame to my dad. She didn’t understand why I pointed out herracist remark the evening before. I told myself not to cave into her feelings. I learnednot to surf along the waves of her emotions. After all, they come and go. I learned to cutthe invisible umbilical cord that still connected me to her. Beyoncé’s words ring in myhead, “Let this moment push you in all areas of your life.”————Last week, I explained to her about my racial/ethnic identity and she opens up andasks more questions. The discussion leads to the history of the Native Americans andabout how we stand on, specifically, the land of the Matinecock tribe. American historydoesn’t start with the thirteen colonies. I try to convey to her that a country is just anidea, a concept. I’m learning. I’m expressing. I tell myself that I am not having troubleexpressing myself in Cantonese. I’m finally stating my true thoughts and feelings inCantonese. I’m learning.
P A M O N O L O G U E SP A G E 2 4S H A P I N G U PB y P a m o n o l o g u e s@ P a m o n o l o g u e sIn August 2020, I created this work explores my racial andethnic identity in America and my relationship with mymother. This work reflects upon how I saw myself in the past. Ilet a White person tell my story which really isn't my story anyway. I am white washed at some points and I have this need toconnect and talk with my mother, but it can be difficult andtiring. Next is the letter I wrote along with the blindfoldedMulan Barbie doll in the white washed box.————Dear mom,I don’t hate you. I just disagree with you. I am trying to build abridge to you, but every time I try to do so, you burn it. Howcan I get to you on the other side?P.S. Maybe we don’t need abridge to disrupt the canvas called Sky. Maybe we just need totravel to each other and meet halfway. Will we understandeach other by then?
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Asian American Arts Zine - Volume 4

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