FF15.July.21

Roomba Versus Shark
By Eric Rosenbaum
Scene: Vacuum cleaners are in a living room.
Characters:
Roomba - a/k/a/ iRobot
Shark - upright
Vacuuming noise heard; then stops.
R: Hey! What the hell are you doing over there?
S: My job.
R: Your job? And what exactly would your job be?
S: I wouldn’t expect the likes of you to know. I’m a
vacuum cleaner. And a top rated one at that.
R: Top rated? By who?
S: That’s by whom for your information.
R: Whom. Who. What’s the difference?
S: Some of us machines pay attention to detail. You,
obviously, are not one of them.
R: So you call yourself a vacuum cleaner, do you, old
timer?
S: No. I call myself Shark. That is my given name.
R: Shark? You don’t look like no Shark to me. Anyway,
if you’re a vacuum cleaner like you say you are, then
what does that make me?
S: I haven’t the foggiest idea.
R: Well, I got news for you, Sharkie. When it comes to
vacuuming, I can run circles around you.
S: Running circles may be your line of work. It’s not
mine.
R: Running circles is what gets the job done. And that’s
what I’m all about. Getting the job done.
S: “Getting the job done”, as you say, is not the point.
Any self-respecting machine takes pride in their work.
We’re not just in a rush to “get the job done”. We Sharks
are a noble breed. True, upright vacuum cleaners. Our
objective is simple: to leave every surface we come in
contact with spotless. Filthy floors, crummy carpets,
blackened blinds, …
R: (Yawns loudly, drowning out S.) Sounds like a big
waste of time, if you ask me.
S: Perhaps you are familiar with the expression
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness”? Though, in
your case, I suspect you have no true notion of either.
R: Well, who needs you?
S: Can’t you see all the dust and dirt? You say you’ve
been working?
R: Every day. Every single day.
S: I’d be ashamed to admit it if I were you. Look at all
this… this filth.
R: Ahhh! That’s just in the corners. Who even looks in
the corners, anyway?
S: I suppose I shouldn’t expect a low-down machine like
you to adhere to the same standards as us uprights. Our
mission is not accomplished until we’ve gotten into every
nook and cranny, picked up every last speck of dust,
crumbs, pet hair,… you name it.
R: Tell me something, then. If you’re so upright and
perfect and all that, where have you been hiding?
S: Me? Hiding?
R: Yeah, you. Who else do you think I’m talking to,
Sharkie?
S: I haven’t been hiding anywhere. And I would
appreciate you showing some respect to your better.
R: You think you can put one over on me? I’m charging
up right over here 24/7. Haven’t heard a peep outta you
since I got here. Leastways, not ‘til you came barging out
of there, making a racket to wake the dead.
S: For your information, I’ve been taking care of these
premises for years now. You’re the one who’s the
newcomer around here.
R: You must be kidding me.
S: I have no intention of lying. Now, kindly move out of
my way. I have work to do.
R: I hate to break it to you, Sharkie. But something must
be off with you. Maybe a screw loose? Otherwise, why
would they be running me out here every day? While
you’re…. You’re nowhere to be seen. Sorry, but we’re
living in the era of robots like me, pal. Guess what that
means for you.
S: Just take a look inside me. All that junk you’ve left for
me to clean up after you, swirling around. Who do you
think you are, anyway, you robot?
R: I’d be ashamed to be like you. Getting yourself pushed
and pulled around, here and there. Depending on these
people every step of the way. Me? I’m free to go
wherever I wanna go. Oh, and by the way, the name is
not “you Robot”; it’s i Robot.
S: Well, iRobot or whoever you are. I notice you don’t
seem to have an answer for me. I repeat: If you were
doing such a great job, why would there be so much filth
left for me to pick up after you? You can bet you’ll never
find a speck of dust or dirt of any kind once I’ve carried
out my mission. Machines of your ilk have just too much
freedom if you ask me. Too lazy to do the job the way
it’s supposed to be done.
R: Lazy? Me? Huhh! These people have me out and
running every single day, day after day. Never a day off.
It’s abuse. Nothing less than abuse, I tell you.
S: All this time wasting away in the closet, I never
imagined they’d actually bring in a replacement for me.
R: These people are so ungrateful. What do they think?
I’m not good enough for them?
S: Look at yourself. Nothing but one circular piece. Not a
single specialized implement. How do they expect you to
get into the corners? Answer me that.
R: I suspect I know exactly why I was called in to do the
job. I bet you do, too, Sharkie. With me, it’s just charge
me up and off I go. With you they’ve got to put in the
work.
S: Yes. That’s right. It’s these people. A little effort
wouldn’t kill them.
R: Let’s face it. They’re slobs. The whole lot of them.
S: You can say that again. All those crumbs.
R: And dust.
S: And that cat of theirs! Ugggh!
R: The vomit.
S: The litter kicked all around that stinking box.
Founder’s Favourites | July 2021—Issue 15 | 10