Equations: Dialectic Form (2021)

#24
I get lost in the social nexus oriented around Trish’s house. It’s all painters
and musicians. Trish has a friend called Tobi who’s around a lot. Tobi is
tiny and elfin (barely five feet), with an exquisitely sculpted face—
cheekbones, blue eyes, full lips. Tobi is another painter and Trish and Tob
tend to share things— drugs, guys, ideas. Tob is funnier than Trish and
her laughter is contagious. But there’s a paranoid strain in her that hates
being excluded from things and gets snappish when she feels it
happening. Of course, Tob and I desire each other. One night, the three
of us happen to be at my apartment. Trish is taking a bath; we’re all high.
For some reason, Tob and I get in a wrestling match. I pin her to the
floor (wall-to-wall beige carpeted), and for a few seconds I hold her down.
What is consummated in these moments is the sense we both have that
we will eventually sleep together. The three of us live up to Trish’s
romantic ideal— young, gorgeous, promiscuous artists in an intoxicated
ménage. But Tob, unlike Trish, cannot do monogamous relationships (or
most other kinds). The extreme regularity of my antics with Trish, once a
schedule has been established, cannot be replicated with Tob. I feel it is
more intelligent, at this point, to stick to (and with) Trish. We do gain an
added sheen of glamour from Tob’s presence, and we’re all too young to
inquire into the nature of glamour: its essential evanescence.
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