Equations: Dialectic Form (2021)

#25
Tob hovers between straightness and gayness. It is years later; I’ve broken
things off with Trish. We’re upstairs at the Khyber, me with my friends,
Tob with hers. We’re dancing and I start to do touchy-feely moves. This is
it; this is the preordained time at which Tob and I consummate things
(she put me in my place a year ago because we were both still too close to
Trish). I show up at her apartment the next day; she spends the night at
my apartment. But there’s some fakery involved and our equation
involves contingencies: I’m putting together shows for her band, she
needs to keep me (for them) in place. We take a bath, and Tob begins
giving me a very thorough (and loving) blowjob. The problem is, this
won’t count for me unless we actually have penetrative sex. So I stop
myself from finishing in her mouth, take her to bed, put on the condom
and do the deed, without finishing. I let my piggish principles interfere
with Mother Nature’s chosen course. By disobeying Nature, I have
already given Tob a reason to mistrust me. The truth is, she will never
forgive me for seducing her. She doesn’t like guys that much anyway. The
kind of impulse that chooses willfulness over acceptance can never have
consonance with satisfaction, and pleasure.
32