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DERRY GIRLS SERIES 3 SPECIAL EDITION!!!

PROMOTIONAL ADVERTISING THROUGHOUT

MEET THE

DERRY

GIRLS

OH NO!

NOT THE

BISCUIT TIN!

DEAR

SISTER

MICHAEL

DERRY GIRLS

SERIES 03

SWOON!

EXCLUSIVE

FATHER

PETER

POSTER!

HOW TO

DRESS LIKE

A POP

STAR!

POP GOSSIP! DANCE ROUTINES! GRANDA JOE’S SINGLE REVIEWS! QUIZZES! LYRICS! & MORE!!!


FRIDAY DEAL

5 bags of chips!!!

£4 .99

Wooden fork

with every order!

Tues-Sun 5-11

Every man for himself

on Friday Night

CLEARLY NOT A REAL ADVERT


ED’S

LETTER

Hold the front page! In

fact, hold all the pages –

it’s a Derry Girls takeover!

The Derry Girls love Smash

Hits, and Smash Hits loves the

Derry Girls, so it’s basically

the best combo since PJ met

Duncan. To celebrate the

brand-spanking-new series (which hits screens

this April), we’ve teamed up with Channel 4

and the DG crew to bring you an exclusive

collab overflowing with fun and ’90s brilliance.

We’ve let the fivesome run riot this issue.

Not only have Clare and Michelle tackled the

terrifying Biscuit Tin, but James and Erin have

channelled their inner pop stars for a fashion

feature. We also got to hang out with the

gang on an exclusive photo shoot, where Orla

took quite a shine to the candy necklaces.

Oh, and did we mention that we’ve

included a money-can’t-buy (literally –

this issue is free) poster of dreamy Father

Peter? And remember to post a pic with

your mag @Channel4 #DerryGirls

So, without further ado, take it away, laydeez

(and the wee English fella).

Jordan Paramor

(That’s me, aged 19, in the Smash Hits Offce)

Creative Editorial Director: Lucie Cave

Art Director: Catherine Johnson

Editor: Jordan Paramor

Sub Editor: Julie Emery

Head of Magazine Brands: Anu Short

Cross Media Project Manager: Daisy Ingram

Photography: Bella Howard.

All other imagery: Getty Images.

Created in collaboration with 4creative

and Channel 4. With special thanks to

Lisa McGee, Liz Lewin, Caroline Leddy

and Brian J. Falconer

OUR SUSTAINABILITY PLEDGE

We set a clear and transparent sustainability agenda and ensure we promote

sustainability via our varied brands and platforms. We also collaborate with others

who share our goal. We only partner with sustainably-sourced paper

providers and aim to set a science-based carbon reduction goal that will

get us to net zero.

Our bumper packs come wrapped in LDPE film, which is

recyclable, meaning it won’t end up in nasty landfills.

If you picked up this magazine in a supermarket, be sure to

check if they run a flexible plastic recycling scheme so you

dispose of the wrap in-store.

We are currently looking into paper options for newsstand copies, and

we’ll be bringing you more news on that later this year.

Smash Hits is published by H Bauer Publishing, 24-28 Oval Road, London, NW1 7DT

No part of the magazine maybe reproduced in any form in whole or in part, without prior

permission of the publisher. All material published remains the copyright of H Bauer

Publishing (‘Bauer Media’).

We reserve the right to edit letters, copy or images submitted to the magazine without further

consent. The submission of material to Bauer Media whether unsolicited or requested, is taken

as permission to publish in the magazine, including any licensed editions throughout the

world. Any fees paid in the UK include remuneration for any use in any other licensed editions.

We cannot accept any responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts, images or materials lost or

damaged in the post. Whilst every reasonable care is taken to ensure accuracy, the publisher

is not responsible for any errors or omissions nor do we accept any liability for any loss or

damage, howsoever caused, resulting from the use of the magazine.

COMPLAINTS: H Bauer Publishing is a member of the Independent Press Standards

Organisation (ipso.co.uk) and endeavours to respond to and resolve your concerns quickly.

Our Editorial Complaints Policy (including full details of how to contact us about editorial

complaints and IPSO’s contact details) can be found at bauermediacomplaints.co.uk.

Our email address for editorial complaints covered by the Editorial Complaints Policy is

complaints@bauermedia.co.uk

Everything in

this magazine is

entirely fictional and

doesn’t include any

endorsements or

affliations with

Derry Girls.

It’s all just a

bit of fun.

PAGE 23:

My Problem Page...

Lord, have mercy.

IT’S ALL

IN HERE!

PAGE 4: Gossip! All

the latest news from

Planet Pop/Derry.

PAGE 5: Quiz! Which

Spice Girl would you be?

PAGE 9: Get your

five mins with Lee

from 911.

PAGE 10:

Biscuit tin:

Michelle and

Clare take on the

terrifying tin.

PAGE 12:

Singles reviews. Granda

Joe picks the best of the

new releases (slightly

begrudgingly, to be honest).

PAGE 13: Your fourpage

poster special –

amazingness for your walls.

Including a double-page

Derry Girls poster. Hurrah!

PAGE 17: B*Witched

lyrics. Sing along! You

can even dance if the

mood takes you.

PAGE 18: Always

wanted to know

how to do the

Rock The Boat

moves the right

way? Orla’s

gonna show you.

18

PAGE 6:

ACCESS ALL

AREAS: BEHIND

THE SCENES

WITH THE

DERRY GIRLS

PAGE 20: Fashion.

How to dress like a pop

star. Style tips galore!

PAGE 24:

Get your mixtape.

PAGE 25: Horoscopes &

fan art. Are you really going

to marry Leonardo?

PAGE 26: Puzzles.

What’s up with Gerry?

SPOTTHE

D

DIFFERENC

P O S T E R

PAGE 22: HOLD ON TO

YOUR HEARTS, IT’S OUR

FATHER PETER POSTER.

the

WHAT’S INSIDE?

SMASH HITS 3


OSSIP

G O SSIP

ALL

Wet

Wet

and

Wild!

Kavana was caught up in

a major drama last week

when he lost one of his

sandals while paddling in

the sea during a day trip

to Brighton. “I took my

sandals off and left them by

the edge of the water so I

could enjoy the full paddling

experience,” he revealed.

“But when I turned around

one of them was being

swept out to sea, and there

was no way I was going to

get my new denim shorts

wet trying to rescue it.”

The rest of the Derry Girls rallied around

a devastated Clare when one of her

beloved rainbow pin badges fell off last

week, and helped by putting up posters

around town. “Thankfully someone spotted

it on the ground outside of Dennis’s

Wee Shop,” a relieved Clare

explained to us. “I felt totally

lost without it.”

There are distressing reports

that Fionnula is putting up

the price of a large chip

by 5p. Local residents are

stunned, with a more mature

Derry native, who asked not

to be named, saying, “I need

that money for the Christmas

Cupboard. Snowballs don’t

come cheap, ya know.” Is

anyone willing to speak to

Fionnula about this shocking

turn of events? Anyone?

OVER THE

RAINBOW

CHIP SHOP

SHOCKER!!

TO

THE LATEST

GOSS FROM PLANET

POP (AND DERRY)

S’AINT

AND

BAD

We’ve always

suspected

James’ inner pop star would

make a break for freedom

the second it got the chance.

Now he might just get the

opportunity – because it’s

rumoured All Saints think

he’d be perfect if they ever

wanted another member.

“I know we’re a girl band,

but James’ angry voice has

got a really complex high

and yet strong pitch that

would work well with our

harmonies,” a source close to

Shaznay told us.

GEL

BACK

There was an outbreak of panic at Father Peter’s

house last week when he ran out of hair mousse

and had to resort to using some hair gel his ma

had bought him for Christmas four years before.

“He was really left with no other choice,” a source

close to the dreamy Derry heartthrob revealed to

us. “He either had to use the gel or have fluffy

hair, so in the end, he had to relent."

IT REALLY

IS A

FAKE NEWS!

This gossip is

entirely fictional and

doesn’t include any

endorsements

or affliations with

Derry Girls

SPICE

WORLD!

Is there no stopping the incredible Spice Girls? A secret source

has revealed to the ‘Hits that the five-piece’s second album,

Spiceworld, has hit over 14 million sales worldwide, making it

one of the best-selling albums by a girl group in history.

‘Ere, Posh, can you lend us a fiver?

SMASH HITS


The

Quiz!

Who do

you

think

you

think

you are

?

Whether you love Baby,

Sporty, Scary, Posh or

Ginger, everyone’s got a

favourite flavour Spice Girl.

But if a member-shaped

hole appeared in the band,

whose Buffalo boots would

you be best suited to fill?

Take our insightful quiz to

find out!

1. What is the first thing

you do in the morning?

A) Some stretches to wake

your body up

B) Shout ‘good morning’ to

anyone who can hear you

C) Moan about needing coffee

D) Look in

the mirror

E) Cuddle your

teddy and have

another snooze

2. Which present are you

most likely to put on your

birthday list?

A) The latest, coolest trainers

B) Some bright-red lipstick

C) A dance CD

D) A little black dress

E) Some cute hair accessories

3. What’s your idea of

a great night out?

A) A workout followed

by the cinema

B) A properly fun night

out with all your friends

C) Dancing ‘til dawn

D) Dinner at a

fancy restaurant

E) A cosy night in

with films and pizza

4. When did you last cry?

A) When you lifted a weight

that was slightly too heavy

B) You cried laughing

at one of your mates’ jokes

C) When you didn’t get

your own way

D) When the new heels you’d

been coveting sold out

E) You can’t remember

because you cry quite

often. You’re a

sensitive soul

5. How would your

friends describe you?

A) Fun, kind and always

there in a crisis

B) A bit out-there but in the

best possible way

C) The one who always knows

how to get the party started

D) Calm and collected

and very loyal

E) Sweet and innocent

and always wanting

to help

6. Who would be

your ideal pop-star date?

A) Liam Gallagher, because

you love Oasis

B) Robbie Williams, because

he’s naughty like you

C) J from Five, because

he is a bit of a bad boy

D) Kevin from the Backstreet

Boys, because he’s always

very well turned-out

E) Lee from 911,

because he’s so cute

RESULTS

A s

Mostly

You’re… Sporty!

You’re down to earth

and a really good

person to have as

a friend because

you’re 100% reliable.

You don’t have any

airs and graces and

take people as you

find them.

B s

Mostly

You’re… Ginger!

As someone who’s always up

for a laugh, you tend to be

the leader of your gang.

You have a wild side, but

you’re also a good pal and

you’re there for people

when they need you.

Cs

Mostly

You’re… Scary!

Feisty, fearless and a lover

of trying new things, you’re

a one-woman party and

brilliant fun to be around.

Because of that, you’re

always in the

most popular

groups.

NOW COUNT UP

YOUR ANSWERS

AND SEE WHICH

SPICE GIRL YOU’RE

MOST LIKE!

Ds

Mostly

You’re… Posh!

Polite but

discerning, you

choose your

friends carefully.

You like to look your best

and your motto for life is

‘If people want me to look

great, they’ll have to wait’.

Es

Mostly

You’re… Baby!

Super-popular and

easy-going, you make

friends with everyone

you meet. But even

though you enjoy

the odd party,

you’re happiest at

home on the sofa.

SMASH HITS 5


eet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry girls

meet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry gir

ERIN: “Yes, that’s

right, we’re letting you

become an honorary

Derry Girl for the day.

How nice are we?”

MICHELLE: “Close your

mouth, Erin. It will look

cooler in the photos.”

‘WE’RE IN SMASH H

NEED TO ACT LIKE P

CLARE: “I’m

not very good

at having my

picture taken.

My ma always

says I look

scared or

surprised. How

am I doing?”

CLARE: “Quick, Orla, do

your best pop star pose!”

ORLA: “Mmmm?”


meet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry gir

eet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry girls

JAMES: “Look,

Michelle, I can see

Celine Dion’s face in

the weird jelly stuff.”

ERIN: “Oh my GOD, I said I only wanted

green apples on the shoot. Someone

take these red ones away immediately!”

MICHELLE: “Pipe down or they’ll notice

you’re trying to nick all the sweets.”

ITS, WE

POP STARS!!’

THE DERRY GIRLS ARE BACK

AND THEY GAVE SMASH HITS

EXCLUSIVE, BEHIND-THE-

SCENES ACCESS AS THEY

PERFECTED THEIR POUTS AND

MORPHED INTO POP STARS FOR

THE DAY. WITHOUT FURTHER

ADO, LET’S GET NOSING…

When the magnificent

Derry Girls called us up

and said, “We fancy giving

this ker-azy pop-star lark

a go, so we’re doing our

own photo shoot and we

want you to be on it,” we

barely had a chance to

grab our Kappa jacket and

dictaphone before we were

out the door.

Who wouldn’t want to

spend the day with the

fabulous five while they

sampled the pop-star life

– ridiculous sunglasses,

ludicrous posing, rider

demands and all?

The gang wangled

time off from Our Lady

Immaculate College

(when we say wangled,

they bunked off. If Sister

Michael asks, they all had

colds) to take Smash Hits

on a journey of discovery.

True to form, they were

absolute crackers and

swiftly swept us up in a

wave of ditziness (Orla),

sweariness (Michelle),

strangeness (James),

pretentiousness (Erin)

and constant blind panic

(Clare). What a day!

Who knew that Orla

likes hiding in clothes

rails? Or that Clare is

a bit nervous about

having her photo

taken? Or that

Michelle doesn’t

really like being told

what to do? (I think

we all suspected

that one, to be fair…)

ORLA: “So I’m

allowed to keep

all these clothes

afterwards, yeah? Oh,

pleeeeeeease! This

Kangol hat makes me

look like a proper pop

star, so it does!”


eet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry girls

meet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry gir

ERIN: “If we’re going

to be in Smash Hits,

we need to act like

pop stars.”

MICHELLE:

“Everyone knows

real pop stars sing

into hairbrushes,

not make-up

brushes, Erin.”

JAMES:

“Michelle, do

you think I’ll

ever be on

the cover of

Smash Hits?”

MICHELLE:

“Only if you

sit on a copy.”

ORLA: “Don’t take

any photos of me,

James, or they’ll

catch on I’ve

stolen the hat.”


We pinned down Lee

Brennan from 911

(not literally) for a chat

about… well, whatever

we fancied, really!

Hi, Lee. How are things?

Absolutely crazy. Our schedule

is bananas and we’ve never

got two minutes to rest, but

we’re buzzing because we’re

having the time of our lives.

It’s brilliant.

What’s it really like being a

pop star?

It’s probably the best job ever.

You get to perform around the

world on different stages and

meet so many people. I guess

as a young kid the thought of

being famous was quite

exciting, so that bit is cool

too. But getting to sing is

what I love the most.

minutes with...

with...

5 minutes

minutes

How are Jimmy and

Spike doing?

They’re good. Spike’s as

annoying as ever and Jimmy

is kind of like the dad of the

band. We get on each other’s

nerves every now and again,

but then we’re all good and

we’re like best mates. All three

of us have got one goal to do

well and that’s what makes us

a strong team.

What should you do

less of?

Bleaching the tips of my hair.

Who is your favourite Derry

Girl and why?

I couldn’t choose one, they’re

all great for different reasons.

I’m all for girl power... first

came the Spice Girls, now

we have the Derry Girls!

Can you tell us a

secret about the

other lads?

Jimmy dressed up as

Shakin’ Stevens and

LEE FROM 911!

sang in a talent contest when

he was younger, and Spike’s

favourite meal is chips and beans

with a can of fizzy pineapple.

What are you like on a date?

I’m really interested in the

other person and I ask lots

of questions. I enjoy hearing

about what other people’s

passions are and what interests

them. It’s the best way of

getting to know someone

better. I like to think I’m

quite romantic and I’d pay

the bill if we went out for

dinner. I’d probably take

someone to a Chinese

or Italian restaurant.

More likely Italian

because they’re a bit

more romancey.

Who is the best dancer

in the band?

Ooh, I would have to say

Spike. We’ve all got the

moves, but I’ve probably

only got about half

the moves. I have to

concentrate quite hard on

getting them right, but Spike

and Jimmy are naturally good.

Where are you going on

your holidays this year?

Marbella. It’s where everyone

seems to be going at the

moment. It’s become a proper

pop star holiday hangout.

Do you sing in the shower?

Oh yes. I have my radio blasting

and I leave the door of the

bathroom open so I can sing

along. I like all pop music and

there’s a lot of Steps, Boyzone,

Spice Girls and B*Witched

playing at the minute.

What’s been your most

embarrassing moment ever?

I’ve done a lot of embarrassing

things. It’s probably something

I’ve done in front of a girl, like

stumbling and falling over to

impress her. Well, not

impressing her by

falling over, but

falling over while

I’m trying to

impress her.

RANDOM

FACT!

Jimmy and Spike both

used to be dancers on ITV

music show The Hit Man and

Her, where Jason Orange

found fame before being

asked to join

Take That!

SMASH HITS 9


STEEL YOURSELVES, CLARE AND MICHELLE

NO!

AND THE

FIRST

QUESTION

FROM THE

TIN IS...

1. DO YOU HOOVER

YOUR OWN BEDROOM?

MICHELLE: Are you

kidding? I don’t

even know where

the hoover is kept.

CLARE: [Puts her

hand up] I do! I

do! Mammy loves it

when I help out with

the housework.

MICHELLE: D**k.

2. WHERE DO YOU GO

IN YOUR DREAMS?

MICHELLE: I go into the

future, where I’m rich and

famous and married

to Scott from Five.

CLARE: I get straight

As in my GCSEs.

3. DOES YOUR MUM

PLAY GOLF?

CLARE: Golf? My ma?

[Confused] Why would my

ma play golf?

MICHELLE: Catch yourself

on, Clare, I think they’re

having a bit of craic with

us. I don’t think they

think our mammies

actually play golf.

CLARE: Oh.

10 SMASH HITS

Not the

4. IF YOU WERE A

6. DO YOU CHECK YOUR

KANGAROO, WHAT REFLECTION WHENEVER

WOULD YOU KEEP IN YOU WALK PAST A SHOP

YOUR POUCH?

WINDOW?

CLARE: A pouch would MICHELLE: Of course,

be really handy for

who doesn’t? It’s

school. I could put all my like a free mirror, isn’t it?

schoolbooks and my pencil

case in it, and an extra hair

band in case mine broke.

MICHELLE: Make-up. I’d

make a well fit kangaroo!

5. CAN YOU SPELL

ANAESTHETIC?

MICHELLE: [Shakes her

head] Absolutely not.

CLARE: A-n-a-e-s-t-he-t-i-c.

[Michelle rolls

her eyes]

7. WHAT TIME DO YOU

GO TO BED?

CLARE: Mammy likes me

to go at 9pm during

the week so I’m

not tired for

school.

MICHELLE:

My ma always

tells me to go to bed

early, but I sit in my

room reading magazines,

listening to music and

looking at my posters, so

she might as well let me

stay up and watch TV.

8. IT’S A KNOWN FACT

THAT YOU’RE NEVER

MORE THAN 5 FEET AWAY

FROM A RAT. HOW DOES

THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

CLARE: No, that can’t

be true. Can it? Are you

serious? Oh my god, what

if there’s one near us now?

[Starts looking around]

MICHELLE: Clare, stop

having a cack attack. If

I had a fight with a rat I

know who would come

out on top.

CLARE: Why are you

suddenly fighting a rat?


, THE BISCUIT TIN IS COMING TO GET YA!

JAM SANDWICH!

9. WHAT MAKES A

PERSON SEXY?

CLARE: [Goes bright red]

I don’t know. Erm…

MICHELLE: Being in a boy

band. And a nice a**e. A

fella with a nice a**e is an

absolute ride.

10. WHAT COLOUR

IS HAPPINESS?

CLARE: Yellow, definitely.

MICHELLE: That’s a class

question. I think red

because it’s exciting and

a bit dangerous.

11. FINISH THIS

SENTENCE: ‘THE

WORST THING I EVER

DID WAS...’

MICHELLE: [Shrugs]

I don’t think I’ve done

anything that bad, to

be fair.

CLARE: I don’t think

the time we

pretended to

see a statue of the

Virgin Mary cry was our

finest moment, Michelle.

13. WHAT WAS THE

LAST BOOK YOU READ?

CLARE: Jane Eyre,

because we’re studying

it at the

moment.

MICHELLE:

Are we?

14. DO YOU

KNOW ANYONE

CALLED TARQUIN?

MICHELLE: No, but

I think James would

suit being called that. It

sounds like a proper posh

English name.

TOUGH COOKIE!

15. DO YOU HAVE A

SPECIAL TEDDY?

CLARE: I’ve got one I’ve

had since I was a wee girl

that my ma kept for me.

[Flustered) I don’t cuddle it

or anything though.

MICHELLE: No.

CLARE: What

about that

biscuit tin!

pink one you keep on

your bed?

[Michelle gives Clare

a death stare]

the rules

In the Smash Hits

Biscuit Tin there are 100

envelopes. Each contains

a difficult (or slightly

strange) question. You

must open 15 envelopes

at random and answer

whatever question is

inside. Good luck.

12. WHY DOES

THE MOON CHANGE

ITS SHAPE?

CLARE: [Proudly] It

changes shape because

its position is relative to

the sun and Earth.

MICHELLE: [Points at

Clare] What she said.

SMASH HITS 11


eviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews

reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews

reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews

GRANDA JOE’S

SINGLE REVIEWS

ALL THE LATEST

RELEASES REVIEWED

BY GUEST MUSIC

CRITIC, GRANDA JOE

STEPS

LAST THING ON MY MIND

Not an absolute banger like

5, 6, 7, 8, but a solid pop tune

nonetheless. Fair play to them

– talented bunch of wains –

though H isn’t a real name.

That’s 2 out of 5 cream horns.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS

LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU

This fella’s got some front

on him, hasn’t he? Let Me

Entertain You? What if I

don’t want to be entertained,

Robbie Williams? Eh? In my

opinion Take That got a fifth

better when yer man here left.

BOYZONE

ALL THAT I NEED

I know the girls like this

lot, but I feel like I’ve heard

this song before because it

sounds like every other song

on the damn radio. What a

shower of whining sh**es, it

would fit them better to get

real jobs.

BILLIE MYERS

KISS THE RAIN

Haven’t got a baldies what

Billie’s banging on about, but

she’s some voice on her all

the same and I like the tune.

I would put money on it

being impossible to kiss the

rain though. You’d end up

with a very wet face.

YOU WANT ME

TO WHAT? REVIEW

MODERN MUSIC? I’LL TELL

YOU EXACTLY WHAT I THINK

OF IT, BUT I’M SURE IT’LL

BE JUST AS ANNOYING

AS LISTENING TO THAT

USELESS IDIOT

GERRY.

Single of the week

SPICE GIRLS

STOP

I sometimes think Erin and

her friends are a bit like the Spice

Girls, what with their big stompy

shoes and their garish get-ups.

And yes, James, I do mean you as

well. This is a fun, easy-listening,

uplifting song and I’m all for a bit

of girl power. It’s a thumbs-up

from me.

These reviews

are entirely

fictional and no

endorsements or

affliations with

Derry Girls to see

here either.

Bye for now.

ULTRA

SAY YOU DO

I’m told this is the first-ever

single from this group, but does

the world need another boy

band? This isn’t going to set

the world alight. It’s a boring

mid-tempo number with daft

lyrics. Much like a cul-de-sac, it

doesn’t go anywhere.


ROBBIE

P O S T E R


P O S T E R

DAMAGE


L Y RICS

L Y RICS

B*Witched

C’est La Vie

Some people say I look like me dad

What! Are you serious?!

I said; Hey boy sittin’ in your tree

Mummy always wants you to come for tea

Don’t be shy, straighten up your tie

Get down from the tree house sittin’ in the sky

I wanna know just what to do

Is it very big is there room for two?

I’ve got a house with windows and doors

I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours

Gotta let me in (hey hey hey)

Let the fun begin (yeaaah)

I’m the wolf today (hey hey hey)

I’ll huff I’ll puff

I’ll huff I’ll puff I’ll blow you away

Say you will, say you won’t

Say you’ll do what I don’t

Say you’re true, say to me

C’est la vie

Say you will, say you won’t

Say you’ll do what I don’t

Say you’re true, say to me (get a life)

C’est la vie

Do you play with the girls, play with the boys?

Do you ever get lonely playing with your toys?

We can talk, we can sing

I’ll be the queen and you’ll be the king

Hey boy in your tree

Throw down your ladder make a room for me

I’ve got a house with windows and doors

I’ll show you mine, you show me yours

Gotta let me in (hey hey hey)

Let the fun begin (heeeey)

I’m the wolf today (hey hey hey)

I’ll huff I’ll puff

I’ll huff I’ll puff I’ll blow you away

Say you will, say you won’t

Say you’ll do what I don’t

Say you’re true, say to me

C’est la vie

Say you will, say you won’t

Say you’ll do what I don’t

Say you’re true, say to me (what are you like)

C’est la vie

Hey hey

Na na na eh

Na na na oh

Na na na eh

Hey hey hey hey

Say you will, say you won’t

Say you’ll do what I don’t

Say you’re true, say to me (wanna say)

C’est la vie

Say you will, say you won’t

Say you’ll do what I don’t

Say you’re true, say to me (fight like me dad as well)

C’est la vie

Na na na eh

Na na na oh (c’est la vie)

Na na na eh

Hey hey (c’est la vie...)

C’est La Vie. Words and Music by Ray Hedges, Martin Brannigan, Tracy Ackerman, Edele Lynch, Keavy Lynch, Lindsay Armaou and Sinead O’Carroll. Copyright © 1998

Concord Entertainment Limited, Universal - PolyGram International Publishing, Inc., BMG Rights Management (UK) Limited, Sugar Free Music Ltd. and Bucks Music Ltd. All

Rights for BMG Rights Management (UK) Limited Administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC. All Rights for Sugar Free Music Ltd. and Bucks Music Ltd. in the U.S.

Administered by David Platz Music Inc. All Rights Reserved Used by Permission. 23962. Reprinted by Permission of Hal Leonard Europe Ltd. Photo: ALAMY SMASH HITS 17


1. WARM UP

We’ve seen many an injury

during Rock The Boat in our

time. Best to limber up with

some stretches first.

LET’S

ROCK

BOAT

THE

2. SIT DOWN

Park your arse on the floor.

3. FLYING WITHOUT WINGS

Time to start rocking that boat! Lean

to the right and move your right arm

towards the floor. Wave your left hand

in the air like you just don’t care.

THEN...

Repeat the moves on the other side.

Nothing gets a party started quite like

Rock The Boat (originally recorded

by The Hues Corporation, fact fans).

It’s offcially one of the Derry Girls

favourite songs ever. Orla kindly took

on the challenge of giving a

step-by-step guide to doing

the dance moves that will

make you

look smooth

18 SMASH HITS


4. SAIL AWAY

Get ready to row your invisible

boat – put arms straight out and

clench your fists

while leaning

forward.

5. LEAN ON ME

With your fists still clenched,

lean back and bend your arms

as if you’re pulling on some oars.

Your elbows can either stay by

your side, or if you’re feeling a bit

‘woah’, you can push them back,

making sure you don’t hit the

person behind you (unless you

really don’t like them, that is).

DANCE

6. KEEP

ON MOVIN’

Repeat several times, and

remember you’re sailing

with a cargo full of love

and devotion!

!

Knackered!

8. ARE

WE NEARLY

THERE YET?

Do the whole routine

all over again – yes,

really – till the song

ends.

7. HIT

THE FLOOR

Slap the floor on one

side of you, then clap your

hands above your head

before slapping the floor

on the other

side. But

don’t tip the

boat over!

Feeling seasick!

SMASH HITS 19


HOW TO DRESS

LIKE A WEE...

WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO BE FAMOUS TO DRESS RIDICULOUSLY?

ERIN AND JAMES SHOW US HOW IT’S DONE

Be bright, á

la Brian Harvey

Nothing says 90s quite like oversized,

brightly-coloured clothes. Check

out James as he channels his inner

Brian Harvey. This look isn’t just for

the chaps, though. Borrow your big

brother’s sweatshirts, checked shirts,

jeans and caps (worn backwards, obvs).

Please note: Don’t borrow his

underwear, that’s a step too far. Don’t

wear your jeans so low your bottom

cheeks are peeking out to say hello

over the top of the waistband.

‘You’re not going

out like that!’

Go camo like

All Saints

Erin is rocking the All

Saints look in her cargo

pants and cropped top.

Not only is camo print

really popular with chartdwellers,

it’s also handy

if you’re trying to hide

from people in dense,

wooded areas.

20 SMASH HITS


Do double denim

like B*Witched

Thank you, B*Witched, for

making double denim cool

and so darn easy to wear.

Want to jazz up your jeans?

Embellishments are so now!

Glue on jewels, iron on patches

or write your fave pop star’s

names all over them (but maybe

check with your mammy first).

FASHION

Top style tip!

Forget boring

black, pastel-lensed

sunglasses are the

only way to show off

your eyes in the sun

this summer.

Top style tip!

Whether it’s sandals,

boots or shoes,

platforms are a celeb

essential. The number

one rule is the bigger

the better (even if they

are a fractured ankle

waiting to happen).

Rock

Robbie’s

rompers

Few people love a

pair of dungarees

more than Robbie

Williams. Proving

that they’re not just

for toddlers and exboy

band members,

James is really doing

this pair justice.

Pop

Star

Pop

Star

SMASH HITS 21


P O S T E R

OOOH

FATHER PETER, DERRY, N. IRELAND

FATHER!


DEAR

Sister

Sister

Michael

Michael

As I’m known for my compassionate and

understanding nature, I’ve been asked to step

into the role of agony aunt for this issue of Smash

Hits. Please send me any problems you may have at

the usual address and I’ll do my best to guide you through*

*I’M JOKING,

OBVIOUSLY. DON’T

SEND ME ANYTHING.

I DON’T CARE. I’M ONLY

DOING THIS BECAUSE

I HAD NO CHOICE.

Dear Sister

Michael,

Do you know if

Steps are going to

have a new album

out soon? They’re my

favourite band and I’d

love to see them live.

KIARA, SOUTHAMPTON

Can I just say this is such

a wonderful letter. Thank

you so much for writing

it, I really mean that. I’ve

been having awful bouts

of the old insomnia lately,

but when I started to read

this... Boom! I was out

like a light and

got my full eight

hours. It’s

a miracle!

Dear Sister Michael,

I absolutely loved

Take That and I know

it’s been a while

since they split

up, but I can’t

stop thinking

about it. I feel

like I’ve lost a part of

myself. What can I do?

KATE, BIRMINGHAM

Get a grip, for a start.

I’d say if that’s all you’ve

got to worry about, you’re

very lucky. In my opinion,

their only good song

was Pray.

Dear

Sister

Michael,

Please

can you

tell me

where all

of Five live?

My best friend

Fiona and I want

to go and visit

all their houses.

COLLEEN, LIVERPOOL

come to the

conclusion

that I don’t

know, don’t

care and

basically

can’t be

bothered

to try to

find out.

Dear Sister

Michael,

Last night I cried

myself to sleep because I

realised that I’ll probably

never marry Bobak from

Another Level. I know

he’s famous

and cool and

I don’t know

how I could

get to meet

him, but I

really love

him. Do you

think we’ll ever

be together?

AISHA,

NEWTON ABBOT

NO.

when I really like cool

groups like Blur and

Oasis. If I turn

my music up,

she turns hers up

even louder and

the neighbours

keep complaining.

Bands that play

instruments are

so much better

than ones that

just take their tops

off and sing rubbish

ballads. What am I

supposed to do?

OMAR,

DONEGAL

Honestly,

this problem-

solving

malarkey is getting

worse with every letter.

You and your sister really

need to wise

up. And

buy some

headphones.

I’ve been thinking about

the best way to answer

your question, but I’ve

Dear Sister Michael,

My little sister is driving

me mad by talking about

boy bands all the time

THAT’S IT,

I’M OFF.

SMASH HITS HITS 23


GET YOUR

MIXTAPE

STEPS, 911,

ROBBIE WILLIAMS, &

TOOMANYMORETOLIST-

DUETOSPACE!

BURSTING

WITH

HITS

GET IT HERE!

See your past, present, future

Psychic

Sarah

Find your

keys

What’s

for tea?

CALL NOW

02871 - SEE - IT - ALL!

She’s done a course, so she has

Bingo

Numbers

CLEARLY NOT A REAL ADVERT


S C OPES

THE ANSWERS ARE IN THE STARS!

CELINE 30TH MARCH

CELENA 27TH APRIL

ARIES

MARCH 21 TO APRIL 20

As an Aries, you’re the baby

of the Zodiac because it’s

the youngest star, fact fans!

If you’ve been feeling a bit

angry lately, that will be your

fire energy rising. But fabulous

things are around the corner,

including a gift from someone

whose name begins with M.

TAURUS

APRIL 21 TO MAY 21

You’ve felt a bit like things

aren’t going your way recently,

but this is just a blip. If you

want the sunshine you’ve got

to put up with the rain, and

the rain will soon clear leaving

brighter days ahead. Look after

yourself well until this tricky

time passes.

GEMINI

MAY 22 TO JUNE 21

As a Gemini, you’ve got two

sides to your personality and it

can sometimes feel like you’re

being pulled in two directions.

You’re good at getting what

you want, and you’ve got

your eye on something at the

moment, but remember not to

hurt others in the process!

CANCER

JUNE 22 TO JULY 23

Cancer is known to be the most

sensitive star sign, and you

often find it hard to say no to

people in case you upset them.

You’re going to be presented

with a question or situation

that will test your ability to do

the right thing. Stick to your

guns. You can do this!

LEO

JULY 24 TO AUGUST 23

As you’re a sun sign, you’ve

found the past few months

challenging and are happy

the weather is finally getting

better. You’ll start to feel much

more sociable, and there

could be love in the air with

an Aquarius or Sagittarius, so

keep your eyes peeled!

VIRGO

AUGUST 24 TO

SEPTEMBER 23

Virgos are said to be vain, but

you can’t help being gorgeous!

However, your vanity may get

you into trouble – check with

a friend before you dive into

something romantic. They like

the same person more than

you know.

LIBRA

SEPTEMBER 24

TO OCTOBER 23

Something you’ve been working

towards is about to come to

fruition, and about time too!

Libras are known for their

fairness, and you have been

waiting patiently for so long

it’s now finally time to reap the

rewards of all that hard graft.

SCORPIO

OCTOBER 24 TO

NOVEMBER 22

There’s an exciting opportunity

coming your way, Scorpios,

but don’t ruin it by stinging the

hand that feeds because you’re

scared it will get taken away

again. Be gracious and grateful

and it will all fall into place

perfectly!

SAGITTARIUS

NOVEMBER 23

TO DECEMBER 21

Woo hoo! Get your party pants

on because you’re about to get

invited to a shindig you won’t

want to miss. There will be an

opportunity to meet someone

special there. The connection

will be instant and impossible

to ignore.

CAPRICORN

DECEMBER 22

TO JANUARY 21

You’re going to be asked to

try something you’ve never

thought about doing before.

Even though it feels glamorous

and will open up new

opportunities, keep your feet

on the ground and remember

who your real mates are.

AQUARIUS

JANUARY 22

TO FEBRUARY 19

As an air sign, you sometimes

have your head in the clouds,

but this isn’t one of those

times. You’re feeling focused

and you’ll get some good news

about something to do with

numbers. Maybe your parents

are going to win the lottery?

PISCES

FEBRUARY 20

TO MARCH 20

Remember your worth,

Pisces. Don’t let anyone take

advantage of you. You’ve tried

your best to be friends with

that elusive person and they’re

starting to take the mickey.

Look around – you’ve plenty of

great, solid mates already.

DERRY GIRLS FAN ART

SISTER MICHAEL

By Brian (24), Wicklow

You’ve captured Sister

Michael’s smile perfectly

there, Brian.

WELL, YOU’RE A TALENTED

LOT, AREN’T YOU?

JAMES

By Mischa (13),

Borehamwood

You’ve really

nailed the hair

in this portrait,

Mischa.

ORLA

By Greg (28), Leeds

Someone’s had some

help there, Greg.

Shame you didn’t

colour it all in though.

SMASH HITS 25


THE

CELEBRITY WORDSEARCH

ABS

BEYONCE

BILLIE

BOBAK

CELINE

EDELE

EMMA

FAYE

LENA

LIAM

NICK

NICOLE

RONAN

USHER

FACE Can you spot

the 10 changes?

SPOTTHE

DIFFERENCE

SMASH!!!

Three famous faces make up our

Face Smash. Can you guess which

bit belongs to who?

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE ANSWERS:

1. Jacket lining stripes 2. Pin badge on jacket

3. Monocle 4. Fionulla’s Fish and chips

5. Lampshade 6. Jacket shoulder stripe removed

7. Mug in microwave 8. Tanning bottle on kitchen shelf

9. Moustache 10. Cupboard doors changed colour

FACE SMASH ANSWERS:

Hair: Geri Halliwell, Spice Girls. Eyes & Nose: Ian ‘H’

Watkins, Steps. Face & Body: Brian Harvey, East 17.

26 SMASH HITS


No Sun?

No worries!

COMING SOON TO DERRY!

Enquire about

our express

drop off bin

Avoid late

fees by

returning

on time

Movie night. Any night.

Closed Mondays

When the weather’s pure

boggin’. Get a Tannin’.

Found in the best wee shops*.

*Not suitable for human use.

TANNING

SPRAY

Up to

5

layers!!!

50p charge if

not rewound

2 Videos

2 Nights £1

ACLEARLY NOT REAL

DVERTS


Derry Girls

This April

Sponsored by

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