Smash Hits Derry Girls

DERRY GIRLS SERIES 3 SPECIAL EDITION!!!
PROMOTIONAL ADVERTISING THROUGHOUT
MEET THE
DERRY
GIRLS
OH NO!
NOT THE
BISCUIT TIN!
DEAR
SISTER
MICHAEL
DERRY GIRLS
SERIES 03
SWOON!
EXCLUSIVE
FATHER
PETER
POSTER!
HOW TO
DRESS LIKE
A POP
STAR!
POP GOSSIP! DANCE ROUTINES! GRANDA JOE’S SINGLE REVIEWS! QUIZZES! LYRICS! & MORE!!!

FRIDAY DEAL
5 bags of chips!!!
£4 .99
Wooden fork
with every order!
Tues-Sun 5-11
Every man for himself
on Friday Night
CLEARLY NOT A REAL ADVERT

ED’S
LETTER
Hold the front page! In
fact, hold all the pages –
it’s a Derry Girls takeover!
The Derry Girls love Smash
Hits, and Smash Hits loves the
Derry Girls, so it’s basically
the best combo since PJ met
Duncan. To celebrate the
brand-spanking-new series (which hits screens
this April), we’ve teamed up with Channel 4
and the DG crew to bring you an exclusive
collab overflowing with fun and ’90s brilliance.
We’ve let the fivesome run riot this issue.
Not only have Clare and Michelle tackled the
terrifying Biscuit Tin, but James and Erin have
channelled their inner pop stars for a fashion
feature. We also got to hang out with the
gang on an exclusive photo shoot, where Orla
took quite a shine to the candy necklaces.
Oh, and did we mention that we’ve
included a money-can’t-buy (literally –
this issue is free) poster of dreamy Father
Peter? And remember to post a pic with
your mag @Channel4 #DerryGirls
So, without further ado, take it away, laydeez
(and the wee English fella).
Jordan Paramor
(That’s me, aged 19, in the Smash Hits Offce)
Creative Editorial Director: Lucie Cave
Art Director: Catherine Johnson
Editor: Jordan Paramor
Sub Editor: Julie Emery
Head of Magazine Brands: Anu Short
Cross Media Project Manager: Daisy Ingram
Photography: Bella Howard.
All other imagery: Getty Images.
Created in collaboration with 4creative
and Channel 4. With special thanks to
Lisa McGee, Liz Lewin, Caroline Leddy
and Brian J. Falconer
OUR SUSTAINABILITY PLEDGE
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If you picked up this magazine in a supermarket, be sure to
check if they run a flexible plastic recycling scheme so you
dispose of the wrap in-store.
We are currently looking into paper options for newsstand copies, and
we’ll be bringing you more news on that later this year.
Smash Hits is published by H Bauer Publishing, 24-28 Oval Road, London, NW1 7DT
No part of the magazine maybe reproduced in any form in whole or in part, without prior
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Everything in
this magazine is
entirely fictional and
doesn’t include any
endorsements or
affliations with
Derry Girls.
It’s all just a
bit of fun.
PAGE 23:
My Problem Page...
Lord, have mercy.
IT’S ALL
IN HERE!
PAGE 4: Gossip! All
the latest news from
Planet Pop/Derry.
PAGE 5: Quiz! Which
Spice Girl would you be?
PAGE 9: Get your
five mins with Lee
from 911.
PAGE 10:
Biscuit tin:
Michelle and
Clare take on the
terrifying tin.
PAGE 12:
Singles reviews. Granda
Joe picks the best of the
new releases (slightly
begrudgingly, to be honest).
PAGE 13: Your fourpage
poster special –
amazingness for your walls.
Including a double-page
Derry Girls poster. Hurrah!
PAGE 17: B*Witched
lyrics. Sing along! You
can even dance if the
mood takes you.
PAGE 18: Always
wanted to know
how to do the
Rock The Boat
moves the right
way? Orla’s
gonna show you.
18
PAGE 6:
ACCESS ALL
AREAS: BEHIND
THE SCENES
WITH THE
DERRY GIRLS
PAGE 20: Fashion.
How to dress like a pop
star. Style tips galore!
PAGE 24:
Get your mixtape.
PAGE 25: Horoscopes &
fan art. Are you really going
to marry Leonardo?
PAGE 26: Puzzles.
What’s up with Gerry?
SPOTTHE
D
DIFFERENC
P O S T E R
PAGE 22: HOLD ON TO
YOUR HEARTS, IT’S OUR
FATHER PETER POSTER.
the
WHAT’S INSIDE?
SMASH HITS 3

OSSIP
G O SSIP
ALL
Wet
Wet
and
Wild!
Kavana was caught up in
a major drama last week
when he lost one of his
sandals while paddling in
the sea during a day trip
to Brighton. “I took my
sandals off and left them by
the edge of the water so I
could enjoy the full paddling
experience,” he revealed.
“But when I turned around
one of them was being
swept out to sea, and there
was no way I was going to
get my new denim shorts
wet trying to rescue it.”
The rest of the Derry Girls rallied around
a devastated Clare when one of her
beloved rainbow pin badges fell off last
week, and helped by putting up posters
around town. “Thankfully someone spotted
it on the ground outside of Dennis’s
Wee Shop,” a relieved Clare
explained to us. “I felt totally
lost without it.”
There are distressing reports
that Fionnula is putting up
the price of a large chip
by 5p. Local residents are
stunned, with a more mature
Derry native, who asked not
to be named, saying, “I need
that money for the Christmas
Cupboard. Snowballs don’t
come cheap, ya know.” Is
anyone willing to speak to
Fionnula about this shocking
turn of events? Anyone?
OVER THE
RAINBOW
CHIP SHOP
SHOCKER!!
TO
THE LATEST
GOSS FROM PLANET
POP (AND DERRY)
S’AINT
AND
BAD
We’ve always
suspected
James’ inner pop star would
make a break for freedom
the second it got the chance.
Now he might just get the
opportunity – because it’s
rumoured All Saints think
he’d be perfect if they ever
wanted another member.
“I know we’re a girl band,
but James’ angry voice has
got a really complex high
and yet strong pitch that
would work well with our
harmonies,” a source close to
Shaznay told us.
GEL
BACK
There was an outbreak of panic at Father Peter’s
house last week when he ran out of hair mousse
and had to resort to using some hair gel his ma
had bought him for Christmas four years before.
“He was really left with no other choice,” a source
close to the dreamy Derry heartthrob revealed to
us. “He either had to use the gel or have fluffy
hair, so in the end, he had to relent."
IT REALLY
IS A
FAKE NEWS!
This gossip is
entirely fictional and
doesn’t include any
endorsements
or affliations with
Derry Girls
SPICE
WORLD!
Is there no stopping the incredible Spice Girls? A secret source
has revealed to the ‘Hits that the five-piece’s second album,
Spiceworld, has hit over 14 million sales worldwide, making it
one of the best-selling albums by a girl group in history.
‘Ere, Posh, can you lend us a fiver?
SMASH HITS

The
Quiz!
Who do
you
think
you
think
you are
?
Whether you love Baby,
Sporty, Scary, Posh or
Ginger, everyone’s got a
favourite flavour Spice Girl.
But if a member-shaped
hole appeared in the band,
whose Buffalo boots would
you be best suited to fill?
Take our insightful quiz to
find out!
1. What is the first thing
you do in the morning?
A) Some stretches to wake
your body up
B) Shout ‘good morning’ to
anyone who can hear you
C) Moan about needing coffee
D) Look in
the mirror
E) Cuddle your
teddy and have
another snooze
2. Which present are you
most likely to put on your
birthday list?
A) The latest, coolest trainers
B) Some bright-red lipstick
C) A dance CD
D) A little black dress
E) Some cute hair accessories
3. What’s your idea of
a great night out?
A) A workout followed
by the cinema
B) A properly fun night
out with all your friends
C) Dancing ‘til dawn
D) Dinner at a
fancy restaurant
E) A cosy night in
with films and pizza
4. When did you last cry?
A) When you lifted a weight
that was slightly too heavy
B) You cried laughing
at one of your mates’ jokes
C) When you didn’t get
your own way
D) When the new heels you’d
been coveting sold out
E) You can’t remember
because you cry quite
often. You’re a
sensitive soul
5. How would your
friends describe you?
A) Fun, kind and always
there in a crisis
B) A bit out-there but in the
best possible way
C) The one who always knows
how to get the party started
D) Calm and collected
and very loyal
E) Sweet and innocent
and always wanting
to help
6. Who would be
your ideal pop-star date?
A) Liam Gallagher, because
you love Oasis
B) Robbie Williams, because
he’s naughty like you
C) J from Five, because
he is a bit of a bad boy
D) Kevin from the Backstreet
Boys, because he’s always
very well turned-out
E) Lee from 911,
because he’s so cute
RESULTS
A s
Mostly
You’re… Sporty!
You’re down to earth
and a really good
person to have as
a friend because
you’re 100% reliable.
You don’t have any
airs and graces and
take people as you
find them.
B s
Mostly
You’re… Ginger!
As someone who’s always up
for a laugh, you tend to be
the leader of your gang.
You have a wild side, but
you’re also a good pal and
you’re there for people
when they need you.
Cs
Mostly
You’re… Scary!
Feisty, fearless and a lover
of trying new things, you’re
a one-woman party and
brilliant fun to be around.
Because of that, you’re
always in the
most popular
groups.
NOW COUNT UP
YOUR ANSWERS
AND SEE WHICH
SPICE GIRL YOU’RE
MOST LIKE!
Ds
Mostly
You’re… Posh!
Polite but
discerning, you
choose your
friends carefully.
You like to look your best
and your motto for life is
‘If people want me to look
great, they’ll have to wait’.
Es
Mostly
You’re… Baby!
Super-popular and
easy-going, you make
friends with everyone
you meet. But even
though you enjoy
the odd party,
you’re happiest at
home on the sofa.
SMASH HITS 5

eet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry girls
meet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry gir
ERIN: “Yes, that’s
right, we’re letting you
become an honorary
Derry Girl for the day.
How nice are we?”
MICHELLE: “Close your
mouth, Erin. It will look
cooler in the photos.”
‘WE’RE IN SMASH H
NEED TO ACT LIKE P
CLARE: “I’m
not very good
at having my
picture taken.
My ma always
says I look
scared or
surprised. How
am I doing?”
CLARE: “Quick, Orla, do
your best pop star pose!”
ORLA: “Mmmm?”

meet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry gir
eet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry girls
JAMES: “Look,
Michelle, I can see
Celine Dion’s face in
the weird jelly stuff.”
ERIN: “Oh my GOD, I said I only wanted
green apples on the shoot. Someone
take these red ones away immediately!”
MICHELLE: “Pipe down or they’ll notice
you’re trying to nick all the sweets.”
ITS, WE
POP STARS!!’
THE DERRY GIRLS ARE BACK
AND THEY GAVE SMASH HITS
EXCLUSIVE, BEHIND-THE-
SCENES ACCESS AS THEY
PERFECTED THEIR POUTS AND
MORPHED INTO POP STARS FOR
THE DAY. WITHOUT FURTHER
ADO, LET’S GET NOSING…
When the magnificent
Derry Girls called us up
and said, “We fancy giving
this ker-azy pop-star lark
a go, so we’re doing our
own photo shoot and we
want you to be on it,” we
barely had a chance to
grab our Kappa jacket and
dictaphone before we were
out the door.
Who wouldn’t want to
spend the day with the
fabulous five while they
sampled the pop-star life
– ridiculous sunglasses,
ludicrous posing, rider
demands and all?
The gang wangled
time off from Our Lady
Immaculate College
(when we say wangled,
they bunked off. If Sister
Michael asks, they all had
colds) to take Smash Hits
on a journey of discovery.
True to form, they were
absolute crackers and
swiftly swept us up in a
wave of ditziness (Orla),
sweariness (Michelle),
strangeness (James),
pretentiousness (Erin)
and constant blind panic
(Clare). What a day!
Who knew that Orla
likes hiding in clothes
rails? Or that Clare is
a bit nervous about
having her photo
taken? Or that
Michelle doesn’t
really like being told
what to do? (I think
we all suspected
that one, to be fair…)
ORLA: “So I’m
allowed to keep
all these clothes
afterwards, yeah? Oh,
pleeeeeeease! This
Kangol hat makes me
look like a proper pop
star, so it does!”

eet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry girls
meet the derry girls meet the derry girls meet the derry gir
ERIN: “If we’re going
to be in Smash Hits,
we need to act like
pop stars.”
MICHELLE:
“Everyone knows
real pop stars sing
into hairbrushes,
not make-up
brushes, Erin.”
JAMES:
“Michelle, do
you think I’ll
ever be on
the cover of
Smash Hits?”
MICHELLE:
“Only if you
sit on a copy.”
ORLA: “Don’t take
any photos of me,
James, or they’ll
catch on I’ve
stolen the hat.”

We pinned down Lee
Brennan from 911
(not literally) for a chat
about… well, whatever
we fancied, really!
Hi, Lee. How are things?
Absolutely crazy. Our schedule
is bananas and we’ve never
got two minutes to rest, but
we’re buzzing because we’re
having the time of our lives.
It’s brilliant.
What’s it really like being a
pop star?
It’s probably the best job ever.
You get to perform around the
world on different stages and
meet so many people. I guess
as a young kid the thought of
being famous was quite
exciting, so that bit is cool
too. But getting to sing is
what I love the most.
minutes with...
with...
5 minutes
minutes
How are Jimmy and
Spike doing?
They’re good. Spike’s as
annoying as ever and Jimmy
is kind of like the dad of the
band. We get on each other’s
nerves every now and again,
but then we’re all good and
we’re like best mates. All three
of us have got one goal to do
well and that’s what makes us
a strong team.
What should you do
less of?
Bleaching the tips of my hair.
Who is your favourite Derry
Girl and why?
I couldn’t choose one, they’re
all great for different reasons.
I’m all for girl power... first
came the Spice Girls, now
we have the Derry Girls!
Can you tell us a
secret about the
other lads?
Jimmy dressed up as
Shakin’ Stevens and
LEE FROM 911!
sang in a talent contest when
he was younger, and Spike’s
favourite meal is chips and beans
with a can of fizzy pineapple.
What are you like on a date?
I’m really interested in the
other person and I ask lots
of questions. I enjoy hearing
about what other people’s
passions are and what interests
them. It’s the best way of
getting to know someone
better. I like to think I’m
quite romantic and I’d pay
the bill if we went out for
dinner. I’d probably take
someone to a Chinese
or Italian restaurant.
More likely Italian
because they’re a bit
more romancey.
Who is the best dancer
in the band?
Ooh, I would have to say
Spike. We’ve all got the
moves, but I’ve probably
only got about half
the moves. I have to
concentrate quite hard on
getting them right, but Spike
and Jimmy are naturally good.
Where are you going on
your holidays this year?
Marbella. It’s where everyone
seems to be going at the
moment. It’s become a proper
pop star holiday hangout.
Do you sing in the shower?
Oh yes. I have my radio blasting
and I leave the door of the
bathroom open so I can sing
along. I like all pop music and
there’s a lot of Steps, Boyzone,
Spice Girls and B*Witched
playing at the minute.
What’s been your most
embarrassing moment ever?
I’ve done a lot of embarrassing
things. It’s probably something
I’ve done in front of a girl, like
stumbling and falling over to
impress her. Well, not
impressing her by
falling over, but
falling over while
I’m trying to
impress her.
RANDOM
FACT!
Jimmy and Spike both
used to be dancers on ITV
music show The Hit Man and
Her, where Jason Orange
found fame before being
asked to join
Take That!
SMASH HITS 9

STEEL YOURSELVES, CLARE AND MICHELLE
NO!
AND THE
FIRST
QUESTION
FROM THE
TIN IS...
1. DO YOU HOOVER
YOUR OWN BEDROOM?
MICHELLE: Are you
kidding? I don’t
even know where
the hoover is kept.
CLARE: [Puts her
hand up] I do! I
do! Mammy loves it
when I help out with
the housework.
MICHELLE: D**k.
2. WHERE DO YOU GO
IN YOUR DREAMS?
MICHELLE: I go into the
future, where I’m rich and
famous and married
to Scott from Five.
CLARE: I get straight
As in my GCSEs.
3. DOES YOUR MUM
PLAY GOLF?
CLARE: Golf? My ma?
[Confused] Why would my
ma play golf?
MICHELLE: Catch yourself
on, Clare, I think they’re
having a bit of craic with
us. I don’t think they
think our mammies
actually play golf.
CLARE: Oh.
10 SMASH HITS
Not the
4. IF YOU WERE A
6. DO YOU CHECK YOUR
KANGAROO, WHAT REFLECTION WHENEVER
WOULD YOU KEEP IN YOU WALK PAST A SHOP
YOUR POUCH?
WINDOW?
CLARE: A pouch would MICHELLE: Of course,
be really handy for
who doesn’t? It’s
school. I could put all my like a free mirror, isn’t it?
schoolbooks and my pencil
case in it, and an extra hair
band in case mine broke.
MICHELLE: Make-up. I’d
make a well fit kangaroo!
5. CAN YOU SPELL
ANAESTHETIC?
MICHELLE: [Shakes her
head] Absolutely not.
CLARE: A-n-a-e-s-t-he-t-i-c.
[Michelle rolls
her eyes]
7. WHAT TIME DO YOU
GO TO BED?
CLARE: Mammy likes me
to go at 9pm during
the week so I’m
not tired for
school.
MICHELLE:
My ma always
tells me to go to bed
early, but I sit in my
room reading magazines,
listening to music and
looking at my posters, so
she might as well let me
stay up and watch TV.
8. IT’S A KNOWN FACT
THAT YOU’RE NEVER
MORE THAN 5 FEET AWAY
FROM A RAT. HOW DOES
THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
CLARE: No, that can’t
be true. Can it? Are you
serious? Oh my god, what
if there’s one near us now?
[Starts looking around]
MICHELLE: Clare, stop
having a cack attack. If
I had a fight with a rat I
know who would come
out on top.
CLARE: Why are you
suddenly fighting a rat?

, THE BISCUIT TIN IS COMING TO GET YA!
JAM SANDWICH!
9. WHAT MAKES A
PERSON SEXY?
CLARE: [Goes bright red]
I don’t know. Erm…
MICHELLE: Being in a boy
band. And a nice a**e. A
fella with a nice a**e is an
absolute ride.
10. WHAT COLOUR
IS HAPPINESS?
CLARE: Yellow, definitely.
MICHELLE: That’s a class
question. I think red
because it’s exciting and
a bit dangerous.
11. FINISH THIS
SENTENCE: ‘THE
WORST THING I EVER
DID WAS...’
MICHELLE: [Shrugs]
I don’t think I’ve done
anything that bad, to
be fair.
CLARE: I don’t think
the time we
pretended to
see a statue of the
Virgin Mary cry was our
finest moment, Michelle.
13. WHAT WAS THE
LAST BOOK YOU READ?
CLARE: Jane Eyre,
because we’re studying
it at the
moment.
MICHELLE:
Are we?
14. DO YOU
KNOW ANYONE
CALLED TARQUIN?
MICHELLE: No, but
I think James would
suit being called that. It
sounds like a proper posh
English name.
TOUGH COOKIE!
15. DO YOU HAVE A
SPECIAL TEDDY?
CLARE: I’ve got one I’ve
had since I was a wee girl
that my ma kept for me.
[Flustered) I don’t cuddle it
or anything though.
MICHELLE: No.
CLARE: What
about that
biscuit tin!
pink one you keep on
your bed?
[Michelle gives Clare
a death stare]
the rules
In the Smash Hits
Biscuit Tin there are 100
envelopes. Each contains
a difficult (or slightly
strange) question. You
must open 15 envelopes
at random and answer
whatever question is
inside. Good luck.
12. WHY DOES
THE MOON CHANGE
ITS SHAPE?
CLARE: [Proudly] It
changes shape because
its position is relative to
the sun and Earth.
MICHELLE: [Points at
Clare] What she said.
SMASH HITS 11

eviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews
reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews
reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews reviews
GRANDA JOE’S
SINGLE REVIEWS
ALL THE LATEST
RELEASES REVIEWED
BY GUEST MUSIC
CRITIC, GRANDA JOE
STEPS
LAST THING ON MY MIND
Not an absolute banger like
5, 6, 7, 8, but a solid pop tune
nonetheless. Fair play to them
– talented bunch of wains –
though H isn’t a real name.
That’s 2 out of 5 cream horns.
ROBBIE WILLIAMS
LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU
This fella’s got some front
on him, hasn’t he? Let Me
Entertain You? What if I
don’t want to be entertained,
Robbie Williams? Eh? In my
opinion Take That got a fifth
better when yer man here left.
BOYZONE
ALL THAT I NEED
I know the girls like this
lot, but I feel like I’ve heard
this song before because it
sounds like every other song
on the damn radio. What a
shower of whining sh**es, it
would fit them better to get
real jobs.
BILLIE MYERS
KISS THE RAIN
Haven’t got a baldies what
Billie’s banging on about, but
she’s some voice on her all
the same and I like the tune.
I would put money on it
being impossible to kiss the
rain though. You’d end up
with a very wet face.
YOU WANT ME
TO WHAT? REVIEW
MODERN MUSIC? I’LL TELL
YOU EXACTLY WHAT I THINK
OF IT, BUT I’M SURE IT’LL
BE JUST AS ANNOYING
AS LISTENING TO THAT
USELESS IDIOT
GERRY.
Single of the week
SPICE GIRLS
STOP
I sometimes think Erin and
her friends are a bit like the Spice
Girls, what with their big stompy
shoes and their garish get-ups.
And yes, James, I do mean you as
well. This is a fun, easy-listening,
uplifting song and I’m all for a bit
of girl power. It’s a thumbs-up
from me.
These reviews
are entirely
fictional and no
endorsements or
affliations with
Derry Girls to see
here either.
Bye for now.
ULTRA
SAY YOU DO
I’m told this is the first-ever
single from this group, but does
the world need another boy
band? This isn’t going to set
the world alight. It’s a boring
mid-tempo number with daft
lyrics. Much like a cul-de-sac, it
doesn’t go anywhere.

ROBBIE
P O S T E R

P O S T E R
DAMAGE

L Y RICS
L Y RICS
B*Witched
C’est La Vie
Some people say I look like me dad
What! Are you serious?!
I said; Hey boy sittin’ in your tree
Mummy always wants you to come for tea
Don’t be shy, straighten up your tie
Get down from the tree house sittin’ in the sky
I wanna know just what to do
Is it very big is there room for two?
I’ve got a house with windows and doors
I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours
Gotta let me in (hey hey hey)
Let the fun begin (yeaaah)
I’m the wolf today (hey hey hey)
I’ll huff I’ll puff
I’ll huff I’ll puff I’ll blow you away
Say you will, say you won’t
Say you’ll do what I don’t
Say you’re true, say to me
C’est la vie
Say you will, say you won’t
Say you’ll do what I don’t
Say you’re true, say to me (get a life)
C’est la vie
Do you play with the girls, play with the boys?
Do you ever get lonely playing with your toys?
We can talk, we can sing
I’ll be the queen and you’ll be the king
Hey boy in your tree
Throw down your ladder make a room for me
I’ve got a house with windows and doors
I’ll show you mine, you show me yours
Gotta let me in (hey hey hey)
Let the fun begin (heeeey)
I’m the wolf today (hey hey hey)
I’ll huff I’ll puff
I’ll huff I’ll puff I’ll blow you away
Say you will, say you won’t
Say you’ll do what I don’t
Say you’re true, say to me
C’est la vie
Say you will, say you won’t
Say you’ll do what I don’t
Say you’re true, say to me (what are you like)
C’est la vie
Hey hey
Na na na eh
Na na na oh
Na na na eh
Hey hey hey hey
Say you will, say you won’t
Say you’ll do what I don’t
Say you’re true, say to me (wanna say)
C’est la vie
Say you will, say you won’t
Say you’ll do what I don’t
Say you’re true, say to me (fight like me dad as well)
C’est la vie
Na na na eh
Na na na oh (c’est la vie)
Na na na eh
Hey hey (c’est la vie...)
C’est La Vie. Words and Music by Ray Hedges, Martin Brannigan, Tracy Ackerman, Edele Lynch, Keavy Lynch, Lindsay Armaou and Sinead O’Carroll. Copyright © 1998
Concord Entertainment Limited, Universal - PolyGram International Publishing, Inc., BMG Rights Management (UK) Limited, Sugar Free Music Ltd. and Bucks Music Ltd. All
Rights for BMG Rights Management (UK) Limited Administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC. All Rights for Sugar Free Music Ltd. and Bucks Music Ltd. in the U.S.
Administered by David Platz Music Inc. All Rights Reserved Used by Permission. 23962. Reprinted by Permission of Hal Leonard Europe Ltd. Photo: ALAMY SMASH HITS 17

1. WARM UP
We’ve seen many an injury
during Rock The Boat in our
time. Best to limber up with
some stretches first.
LET’S
ROCK
BOAT
THE
2. SIT DOWN
Park your arse on the floor.
3. FLYING WITHOUT WINGS
Time to start rocking that boat! Lean
to the right and move your right arm
towards the floor. Wave your left hand
in the air like you just don’t care.
THEN...
Repeat the moves on the other side.
Nothing gets a party started quite like
Rock The Boat (originally recorded
by The Hues Corporation, fact fans).
It’s offcially one of the Derry Girls’
favourite songs ever. Orla kindly took
on the challenge of giving a
step-by-step guide to doing
the dance moves that will
make you
look smooth
18 SMASH HITS

4. SAIL AWAY
Get ready to row your invisible
boat – put arms straight out and
clench your fists
while leaning
forward.
5. LEAN ON ME
With your fists still clenched,
lean back and bend your arms
as if you’re pulling on some oars.
Your elbows can either stay by
your side, or if you’re feeling a bit
‘woah’, you can push them back,
making sure you don’t hit the
person behind you (unless you
really don’t like them, that is).
DANCE
6. KEEP
ON MOVIN’
Repeat several times, and
remember you’re sailing
with a cargo full of love
and devotion!
!
Knackered!
8. ARE
WE NEARLY
THERE YET?
Do the whole routine
all over again – yes,
really – till the song
ends.
7. HIT
THE FLOOR
Slap the floor on one
side of you, then clap your
hands above your head
before slapping the floor
on the other
side. But
don’t tip the
boat over!
Feeling seasick!
SMASH HITS 19

HOW TO DRESS
LIKE A WEE...
WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO BE FAMOUS TO DRESS RIDICULOUSLY?
ERIN AND JAMES SHOW US HOW IT’S DONE
Be bright, á
la Brian Harvey
Nothing says 90s quite like oversized,
brightly-coloured clothes. Check
out James as he channels his inner
Brian Harvey. This look isn’t just for
the chaps, though. Borrow your big
brother’s sweatshirts, checked shirts,
jeans and caps (worn backwards, obvs).
Please note: Don’t borrow his
underwear, that’s a step too far. Don’t
wear your jeans so low your bottom
cheeks are peeking out to say hello
over the top of the waistband.
‘You’re not going
out like that!’
Go camo like
All Saints
Erin is rocking the All
Saints look in her cargo
pants and cropped top.
Not only is camo print
really popular with chartdwellers,
it’s also handy
if you’re trying to hide
from people in dense,
wooded areas.
20 SMASH HITS

Do double denim
like B*Witched
Thank you, B*Witched, for
making double denim cool
and so darn easy to wear.
Want to jazz up your jeans?
Embellishments are so now!
Glue on jewels, iron on patches
or write your fave pop star’s
names all over them (but maybe
check with your mammy first).
FASHION
Top style tip!
Forget boring
black, pastel-lensed
sunglasses are the
only way to show off
your eyes in the sun
this summer.
Top style tip!
Whether it’s sandals,
boots or shoes,
platforms are a celeb
essential. The number
one rule is the bigger
the better (even if they
are a fractured ankle
waiting to happen).
Rock
Robbie’s
rompers
Few people love a
pair of dungarees
more than Robbie
Williams. Proving
that they’re not just
for toddlers and exboy
band members,
James is really doing
this pair justice.
Pop
Star
Pop
Star
SMASH HITS 21

P O S T E R
OOOH
FATHER PETER, DERRY, N. IRELAND
FATHER!

DEAR
Sister
Sister
Michael
Michael
As I’m known for my compassionate and
understanding nature, I’ve been asked to step
into the role of agony aunt for this issue of Smash
Hits. Please send me any problems you may have at
the usual address and I’ll do my best to guide you through*
*I’M JOKING,
OBVIOUSLY. DON’T
SEND ME ANYTHING.
I DON’T CARE. I’M ONLY
DOING THIS BECAUSE
I HAD NO CHOICE.
Dear Sister
Michael,
Do you know if
Steps are going to
have a new album
out soon? They’re my
favourite band and I’d
love to see them live.
KIARA, SOUTHAMPTON
Can I just say this is such
a wonderful letter. Thank
you so much for writing
it, I really mean that. I’ve
been having awful bouts
of the old insomnia lately,
but when I started to read
this... Boom! I was out
like a light and
got my full eight
hours. It’s
a miracle!
Dear Sister Michael,
I absolutely loved
Take That and I know
it’s been a while
since they split
up, but I can’t
stop thinking
about it. I feel
like I’ve lost a part of
myself. What can I do?
KATE, BIRMINGHAM
Get a grip, for a start.
I’d say if that’s all you’ve
got to worry about, you’re
very lucky. In my opinion,
their only good song
was Pray.
Dear
Sister
Michael,
Please
can you
tell me
where all
of Five live?
My best friend
Fiona and I want
to go and visit
all their houses.
COLLEEN, LIVERPOOL
come to the
conclusion
that I don’t
know, don’t
care and
basically
can’t be
bothered
to try to
find out.
Dear Sister
Michael,
Last night I cried
myself to sleep because I
realised that I’ll probably
never marry Bobak from
Another Level. I know
he’s famous
and cool and
I don’t know
how I could
get to meet
him, but I
really love
him. Do you
think we’ll ever
be together?
AISHA,
NEWTON ABBOT
NO.
when I really like cool
groups like Blur and
Oasis. If I turn
my music up,
she turns hers up
even louder and
the neighbours
keep complaining.
Bands that play
instruments are
so much better
than ones that
just take their tops
off and sing rubbish
ballads. What am I
supposed to do?
OMAR,
DONEGAL
Honestly,
this problem-
solving
malarkey is getting
worse with every letter.
You and your sister really
need to wise
up. And
buy some
headphones.
I’ve been thinking about
the best way to answer
your question, but I’ve
Dear Sister Michael,
My little sister is driving
me mad by talking about
boy bands all the time
THAT’S IT,
I’M OFF.
SMASH HITS HITS 23

GET YOUR
MIXTAPE
STEPS, 911,
ROBBIE WILLIAMS, &
TOOMANYMORETOLIST-
DUETOSPACE!
BURSTING
WITH
HITS
GET IT HERE!
See your past, present, future
Psychic
Sarah
Find your
keys
What’s
for tea?
CALL NOW
02871 - SEE - IT - ALL!
She’s done a course, so she has
Bingo
Numbers
CLEARLY NOT A REAL ADVERT

S C OPES
THE ANSWERS ARE IN THE STARS!
CELINE 30TH MARCH
CELENA 27TH APRIL
ARIES
MARCH 21 TO APRIL 20
As an Aries, you’re the baby
of the Zodiac because it’s
the youngest star, fact fans!
If you’ve been feeling a bit
angry lately, that will be your
fire energy rising. But fabulous
things are around the corner,
including a gift from someone
whose name begins with M.
TAURUS
APRIL 21 TO MAY 21
You’ve felt a bit like things
aren’t going your way recently,
but this is just a blip. If you
want the sunshine you’ve got
to put up with the rain, and
the rain will soon clear leaving
brighter days ahead. Look after
yourself well until this tricky
time passes.
GEMINI
MAY 22 TO JUNE 21
As a Gemini, you’ve got two
sides to your personality and it
can sometimes feel like you’re
being pulled in two directions.
You’re good at getting what
you want, and you’ve got
your eye on something at the
moment, but remember not to
hurt others in the process!
CANCER
JUNE 22 TO JULY 23
Cancer is known to be the most
sensitive star sign, and you
often find it hard to say no to
people in case you upset them.
You’re going to be presented
with a question or situation
that will test your ability to do
the right thing. Stick to your
guns. You can do this!
LEO
JULY 24 TO AUGUST 23
As you’re a sun sign, you’ve
found the past few months
challenging and are happy
the weather is finally getting
better. You’ll start to feel much
more sociable, and there
could be love in the air with
an Aquarius or Sagittarius, so
keep your eyes peeled!
VIRGO
AUGUST 24 TO
SEPTEMBER 23
Virgos are said to be vain, but
you can’t help being gorgeous!
However, your vanity may get
you into trouble – check with
a friend before you dive into
something romantic. They like
the same person more than
you know.
LIBRA
SEPTEMBER 24
TO OCTOBER 23
Something you’ve been working
towards is about to come to
fruition, and about time too!
Libras are known for their
fairness, and you have been
waiting patiently for so long
it’s now finally time to reap the
rewards of all that hard graft.
SCORPIO
OCTOBER 24 TO
NOVEMBER 22
There’s an exciting opportunity
coming your way, Scorpios,
but don’t ruin it by stinging the
hand that feeds because you’re
scared it will get taken away
again. Be gracious and grateful
and it will all fall into place
perfectly!
SAGITTARIUS
NOVEMBER 23
TO DECEMBER 21
Woo hoo! Get your party pants
on because you’re about to get
invited to a shindig you won’t
want to miss. There will be an
opportunity to meet someone
special there. The connection
will be instant and impossible
to ignore.
CAPRICORN
DECEMBER 22
TO JANUARY 21
You’re going to be asked to
try something you’ve never
thought about doing before.
Even though it feels glamorous
and will open up new
opportunities, keep your feet
on the ground and remember
who your real mates are.
AQUARIUS
JANUARY 22
TO FEBRUARY 19
As an air sign, you sometimes
have your head in the clouds,
but this isn’t one of those
times. You’re feeling focused
and you’ll get some good news
about something to do with
numbers. Maybe your parents
are going to win the lottery?
PISCES
FEBRUARY 20
TO MARCH 20
Remember your worth,
Pisces. Don’t let anyone take
advantage of you. You’ve tried
your best to be friends with
that elusive person and they’re
starting to take the mickey.
Look around – you’ve plenty of
great, solid mates already.
DERRY GIRLS FAN ART
SISTER MICHAEL
By Brian (24), Wicklow
You’ve captured Sister
Michael’s smile perfectly
there, Brian.
WELL, YOU’RE A TALENTED
LOT, AREN’T YOU?
JAMES
By Mischa (13),
Borehamwood
You’ve really
nailed the hair
in this portrait,
Mischa.
ORLA
By Greg (28), Leeds
Someone’s had some
help there, Greg.
Shame you didn’t
colour it all in though.
SMASH HITS 25

THE
CELEBRITY WORDSEARCH
ABS
BEYONCE
BILLIE
BOBAK
CELINE
EDELE
EMMA
FAYE
LENA
LIAM
NICK
NICOLE
RONAN
USHER
FACE Can you spot
the 10 changes?
SPOTTHE
DIFFERENCE
SMASH!!!
Three famous faces make up our
Face Smash. Can you guess which
bit belongs to who?
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE ANSWERS:
1. Jacket lining stripes 2. Pin badge on jacket
3. Monocle 4. Fionulla’s Fish and chips
5. Lampshade 6. Jacket shoulder stripe removed
7. Mug in microwave 8. Tanning bottle on kitchen shelf
9. Moustache 10. Cupboard doors changed colour
FACE SMASH ANSWERS:
Hair: Geri Halliwell, Spice Girls. Eyes & Nose: Ian ‘H’
Watkins, Steps. Face & Body: Brian Harvey, East 17.
26 SMASH HITS

No Sun?
No worries!
COMING SOON TO DERRY!
Enquire about
our express
drop off bin
Avoid late
fees by
returning
on time
Movie night. Any night.
Closed Mondays
When the weather’s pure
boggin’. Get a Tannin’.
Found in the best wee shops*.
*Not suitable for human use.
TANNING
SPRAY
Up to
5
layers!!!
50p charge if
not rewound
2 Videos
2 Nights £1
ACLEARLY NOT REAL
DVERTS

Derry Girls
This April
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