Tweens & Teens 2022 (Island Parent)
A Special Feature of Island Parent: Parenting On a Hope & a Prayer • Staying Afloat in the Social Media Shark Tank • Fly-By-the-Seat-of-Your-Pants Teen Travel • Choices Aplenty: Choosing Period Products
A Special Feature of Island Parent: Parenting On a Hope & a Prayer • Staying Afloat in the Social Media Shark Tank • Fly-By-the-Seat-of-Your-Pants Teen Travel • Choices Aplenty: Choosing Period Products
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&<br />
TWEENS TEENS<br />
<strong>2022</strong><br />
<strong>Parent</strong>ing On a<br />
Hope & a Prayer<br />
STAYING AFLOAT IN<br />
THE SOCIAL MEDIA<br />
SHARK TANK<br />
Fly-By-the-Seat-of-Your-Pants<br />
TEEN TRAVEL<br />
Choices Aplenty<br />
Choosing Period Products
<strong>Parent</strong>ing On a<br />
Hope & a Prayer<br />
was a fantastic parent when my kids were young.<br />
I Okay, that sounds egotistical. What I mean to say is I<br />
felt confident in my choices. I knew exactly how I wanted<br />
to raise my babies—love them, provide structure, feed them<br />
nutritious food, expose them to new adventures and teach<br />
them to be kind.<br />
When they turned 13 and entered high school, everything<br />
shifted. Instead of being a hands-on parent, I am relegated<br />
to the role of guide. I have to step back, loosen control and<br />
let them make their own mistakes. It’s terrifying because I’m<br />
never sure if I’m making the right choices.<br />
Let me give you an example.<br />
My oldest son’s bedroom has the best cell phone reception<br />
in the house. Thus my choices when I have an important or<br />
work-related call are to stand in the middle of the backyard<br />
or enter the odorous confines of my teenage son’s bedroom.<br />
On rainy days, I choose the latter.<br />
My son knows I use his room as an office space occasionally<br />
and trusts that I respect his space and his “stuff.” I don’t<br />
snoop. I swear. However, there was one day when I plopped<br />
down on his bed, only to sit on something hard. When I<br />
reached down to retrieve the item from under me, I was absolutely<br />
shocked to find a vape pen.
Starting when my boys were toddlers, I made a point to<br />
nurture an open dialogue about anything and everything.<br />
For years, we’ve discussed sex, love, relationships, drugs,<br />
drinking and even vape pens. As a result, they’ve been open<br />
with me about their struggles, their friendships, their worries,<br />
and their experiences. I know about the fights they<br />
are having, when they’ve been drinking and when they’ve<br />
skipped school. Our policy is open honesty and transparency.<br />
No lies.<br />
The fact that he had tried vaping wasn’t surprising. I<br />
know that part of a teenager’s journey is to experiment, to<br />
find their boundaries and define their values. What shocked<br />
me was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. My naivety<br />
suddenly became undeniable. How foolish of me to believe I<br />
was privy to it all!<br />
After finishing my phone conversation, I walked downstairs,<br />
placed the vape pen on the kitchen table and waited<br />
for my son to return home.<br />
As he walked through the front door, I sat him down.<br />
“We need to talk,” I said. “I know you are going to try<br />
things as you get older, but I thought you knew how bad<br />
vaping is for your body. I’m curious why you tried it.”<br />
“Mom, I just wanted to know what it was like. Sometimes<br />
I’m a dumbass and make stupid choices.”<br />
While I asked a few questions—What did he like about it?<br />
How often did he smoke?—my son actually did the majority<br />
of the talking. He knew all the right things to say. He<br />
spoke about the repercussions to his athletic potential. He<br />
acknowledged the fact that addiction runs in our family and<br />
that he, himself, has an addictive personality. He liked the<br />
“community feeling” of smoking with his friends but mentioned<br />
that he wanted to stop. At the end of the conversation,<br />
he asked me a question I hadn’t been anticipating.<br />
“What are you going to do with the vape pen?”<br />
It felt like a lose-lose situation. If I held onto it, he could<br />
simply buy another one, but it didn’t feel good to give it<br />
back to him either.<br />
After sharing this moral dilemma, I told him I needed time<br />
to think about the options.<br />
While driving home from soccer practice the next evening,<br />
he brought it up again. “Have you decided?”<br />
“Well, I’ve always said that I wouldn’t try to control you.<br />
I am here to educate and to guide, but ultimately, your life<br />
and your choices are yours. I think vaping is dangerous and<br />
stupid, but if that’s what you choose to do with your friends,<br />
you will have to live with any potential consequences. I<br />
guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to give it back to<br />
you.”<br />
Once home, he walked in the house and retreated immediately<br />
to his bedroom. As I passed his doorway on the way<br />
to my own sanctuary, I overheard him on FaceTime with his<br />
girlfriend. So, I stood at the door and listened like a ninja.<br />
Wouldn’t you?<br />
I could hear his girlfriend asking, “So…. she just gave it<br />
back to you?”<br />
“Ya.”<br />
“She doesn’t care if you smoke?”<br />
“Well, she said that she hopes I make the right decision,”<br />
he explained.<br />
“Huh,” the confusion in his girlfriend’s voice was palpable<br />
(and laughable).<br />
“Ya,” my son answered.<br />
Then, there was silence as they both digested this unexpected<br />
outcome.<br />
I giggled quietly to myself as I walked away. At least I<br />
gave them something to ponder!<br />
In truth, I don’t know if this was the right parenting<br />
choice to make. I wonder if I give my boys too much leeway<br />
to make mistakes. I wonder if I should impose consequences<br />
or react in anger or disappointment. I wonder if I should<br />
send a stronger message of unacceptance. At the end of the<br />
day, I want to preserve my relationship with them. I want<br />
them to know I will always try to reserve judgment about<br />
their choices, so that if (and when) something truly problematic<br />
or tragic occurs, they will feel safe in coming to me for<br />
help or guidance. I suppose I’ll find out the consequences of<br />
my parenting choices, whether they were nurturing or naive.<br />
<strong>Parent</strong>ing teenagers is a crapshoot. It’s a toss of the dice<br />
and crossed fingers, hoping for the best possible outcome.<br />
All I can do is hope, pray, and wait.<br />
Kelly Cleeve is a best-selling author<br />
and an educator. More importantly, she is<br />
the proud parent of two amazing sons.<br />
Visit kellycleeve.com or follow her on<br />
Instagram @resilient_kel and Facebook –<br />
Raising Resilient Children/Radiant and<br />
Resilient.<br />
<strong>Island</strong><strong>Parent</strong>.ca October/November <strong>2022</strong> 33
Staying Afloat in the<br />
Social Media Shark Tank<br />
We’re habitually distracted with internet and screen time<br />
filling our waking hours and defining leisure time. Our<br />
youth are stressed, anxious, experiencing stronger emotions<br />
and suffering from the burden of being so interconnected.<br />
Participating in social media can feel like we’re swimming<br />
with sharks. And being bitten can look like:<br />
• Dreading checking your device (afraid of what you may<br />
have stirred up)<br />
• Obsessing about who liked or noticed a post, picture or<br />
video<br />
• Allowing responses and feedback on social media to dictate<br />
mood<br />
Six ways to avoid getting bitten and meet the world without<br />
losing yourself:<br />
Be less reactive.<br />
Reacting puts you in survival mode. Respond instead by:<br />
• Reading the full article or post before you share it or comment<br />
• Checking the source to avoid the spread of fake news, confusion<br />
and aggression<br />
• Not having an opinion. Take breaks from posting, sharing<br />
and commenting. Even when someone asks for your opinion,<br />
you can say you don’t know<br />
• Noticing if you are seeking more places to shout your opinion<br />
• Watching for the trap of individualism. When you realize<br />
how attached you are to “Do you like me?” it’s time to take a<br />
social media break. Tracking friends, followers, likes and comments<br />
shouldn’t be a full-time job and it’s hard on the heart.<br />
• Know you don’t need to fix, save or convince people. Those<br />
are all forms of aggression.<br />
• Finding more silence. Breaks from social media will improve<br />
your relationship with it!<br />
Be less distracted.<br />
When you’re distracted day-to-day, you risk going numb.<br />
You’ll also lose connection to yourself, others and our living<br />
world. Distraction fuels reactivity and leaves zero time for wisdom,<br />
insight or compassion.<br />
• Don’t text for one day, set up rules for phone use, and try<br />
do one thing at a time.<br />
• Set boundaries and say “no” more often to curb restlessness.<br />
• Reflect on how distracted we are as a culture.<br />
Have you witnessed how much personal business people<br />
now conduct in public spaces? People talk about their private<br />
relationships, finances and more—right beside you on the bus<br />
or in the grocery store lineup! (They may assume you’re equally<br />
distracted.)<br />
Take a device break in the next line up, waiting room, restaurant<br />
or soccer practice and see what you notice. Collectively<br />
we’ve done a lot of damage because we’re not being present.<br />
It’s a simple change and can be contagious.<br />
Make time for conversation.<br />
Phone or drop-in on a friend or relative. It’s a simple way to<br />
34 <strong>Island</strong> <strong>Parent</strong> Magazine <strong>Island</strong><strong>Parent</strong>.ca
feel more connected and less lonely. Maybe text less? Did you<br />
ever consider that texting your friends or family is regularly<br />
distracting them from their relationships, time in nature, their<br />
ability to be present and enjoy silence? What’s the true cost of<br />
more online versus in-person relationships? Do you book times<br />
to talk to people? Are people surprised when you call out of the<br />
blue?<br />
Share less.<br />
Social media is about self-promotion. You build an identity<br />
and brand yet it’s all manufactured. Think about the risks of<br />
constantly telling a story about yourself instead of just living it!<br />
Could you post fewer updates and keep more to yourself? Try<br />
it. The benefits are an increase of living in and savouring the<br />
present moment. In the present moment there is no fear or<br />
anxiety.<br />
Relax.<br />
This doesn’t mean taking a nap or watching TV. Relaxation<br />
is free from strain. Check in with your body right now. Where<br />
is there tension? Can you soften? How are the muscles in your<br />
face? In this moment, put a smile on your face but without<br />
smiling. Next put a smile into your palms, then into an ache<br />
or pain and finish with smiles in your feet (smile at the Earth).<br />
Your mind can create a different sensation. This is a lovely<br />
practice to start each day.<br />
Find ways to get together.<br />
People need to feel they belong which can’t be achieved virtually.<br />
(Popularity isn’t the same as belonging.) We need each<br />
other and time to comfort, console and support our communities.<br />
Find grounding and connection in taking on a local paper<br />
route, helping neighbours with pet sitting or child minding, cutting<br />
lawns or helping with an elder’s garbage and compost bins.<br />
Lindsay Coulter is a writer, educator, facilitator,<br />
naturalist, community catalyst, soul activist,<br />
mentor, and dedicated mother of two. She’s the<br />
Director of Communications, Culture and Community<br />
at EPIC Learning Centre, a forest and nature<br />
school in Victoria. Find her @SaneAction on Instagram<br />
and Facebook.<br />
<strong>Island</strong><strong>Parent</strong>.ca<br />
October/November <strong>2022</strong> 35
Fly-by-the-Seat-of-<br />
Your-Pants Teen Travel<br />
My son has just left on an epic<br />
backpacking trip through Europe<br />
starting in Paris. He’s thrilled. I’ve got<br />
that feeling similar to when you binge<br />
eat a tub of espresso chocolate-chip icecream—happy,<br />
excited and then jittery<br />
with a heap of insomnia.<br />
In my pre-COVID career as a filmmaker,<br />
I travelled for much of my<br />
work. I was organized, I carried a<br />
binder with flights, hotels, directions<br />
and often, restaurant recommendations.<br />
When things got delayed, it was<br />
a scramble to make back the production<br />
time. I’ve lost luggage (with audio<br />
equipment), got stuck in Belize for an<br />
extra week because of snow in Texas<br />
(not as fun as most would think), and<br />
have been detained in the Philippines.<br />
When it comes to travelling, I come<br />
with a lot of baggage—literally and<br />
figuratively.<br />
My teenager has been insulated from<br />
that type of experience. He’s had parents<br />
who have kept the trip organized<br />
and him entertained and distracted<br />
when things went sideways. Hungry?<br />
Mama has snacks. Bored? Here is a<br />
movie. He’s had the 5-star bubblewrapped<br />
experience.<br />
He’s jumped into this trip with a<br />
general plan and a fly-by-the-seat of<br />
your pants attitude that is way outside<br />
my comfort zone. Deep down I know<br />
that the beauty in his experience is the<br />
simplicity and the freedom and I expect<br />
that his trip will be a truer cultural experience<br />
than anything I’ve ever done,<br />
but I’m adjusting to this understanding.<br />
Before he launched, I was a very active<br />
part of getting him ready. Here are<br />
some things that worked well for us:<br />
Travel with a carry-on backpack so<br />
you don’t worry about missing luggage.<br />
There are good-sized backpacks<br />
that will meet airline specs. Start packing<br />
your new backpack weeks before<br />
your travel date and think about how<br />
much you really need. Repack several<br />
times and evaluate the items. Then, at<br />
11pm before your early morning flight,<br />
do one last panic purge and repack.<br />
Get all the apps and put in your<br />
information at home. Flight information<br />
is often updated quicker in the app<br />
than in the airport. Many companies<br />
have priority calling through their apps.<br />
Do a trial run with your gear. Encourage<br />
your teen to practice wearing<br />
his backpack and carrying his passport<br />
with his wallet and phone with him to<br />
get comfortable with the new items.<br />
Lack of sleep and jet lag is not the time<br />
to start thinking about where your<br />
passport is or struggle with how easy<br />
it is to carry your backpack through<br />
transit.<br />
Research! Things have changed, especially<br />
with hostels. Read the guides<br />
and find out what you need, and don’t<br />
need, on a trip.<br />
Ensure that there is at least 1.5<br />
hours between flights. It is not a great<br />
time to count on making tight connections.<br />
You can also call the airport to<br />
find out if you have to go through security<br />
again or how big of a distance it is<br />
between gates.<br />
<strong>Island</strong><strong>Parent</strong>.ca
Learn a new sport or refine<br />
your skills: come join our<br />
rock climbing teams!<br />
Pack snacks. There is a lot of waiting<br />
and sometimes food is not readily<br />
available. <strong>Teens</strong> are hungry every 15<br />
minutes, so having something readily<br />
available is nice. My teen had a sandwich,<br />
but hummus could be confiscated<br />
as it is considered a liquid. Fruits and<br />
vegetables would need to be eaten or<br />
disposed of before landing in an international<br />
location.<br />
The biggest piece of advice is for<br />
parents.<br />
Kathy Peterson, a counsellor at Collaborative<br />
Counselling, advises that<br />
when empty-nest syndrome hits, to remember<br />
your role.<br />
“Remember that parents are the<br />
compass that will guide their children<br />
back home,” says Peterson. “Sometimes<br />
as a parent it is hard to let go but stay<br />
grounded in the knowledge that you’ve<br />
given [your kids] the skills to handle<br />
these challenges and they will come<br />
back with a gamut of experiences that<br />
will shape their future.”<br />
Letting go isn’t easy, but I’m learning<br />
to give my teen space to explore<br />
without needing to check-in and he is<br />
embracing it by only giving me quick<br />
one one-line email updates—sometimes<br />
one word. I’m working on remembering<br />
all the strengths and skills he has, and I<br />
am looking forward to hearing his stories<br />
when he gets back and seeing how<br />
travel has empowered him.<br />
April Butler is the mother<br />
of three (one teenager and<br />
two grown) children and the<br />
grandmother of one. She was<br />
working as a documentary<br />
filmmaker and if her career<br />
doesn’t reboot after the<br />
pandemic, she will just<br />
spend more time sailing.<br />
Registration<br />
for recreational<br />
and competitive<br />
teams open now.<br />
All levels<br />
welcome!<br />
Ages 6–18.<br />
Details and registration at climbtheboulders.com<br />
The Boulders Climbing Gym<br />
1627 Stelly’s Cross Road | Saanichton, BC | 250.544.0310<br />
IN-PERSON<br />
and<br />
VIRTUAL<br />
PROGRAMS<br />
REGISTER<br />
TODAY<br />
www.GirlsInScience.ca<br />
Join Canada's largest STEM Club for girls, nonbinary,<br />
and gender nonconforming youth ages 7 - 17.<br />
<strong>Island</strong><strong>Parent</strong>.ca<br />
October/November <strong>2022</strong> 37
Choices Aplenty: Choosing Period Products<br />
Several years ago, a friend’s 10-year-old daughter came for a<br />
sleepover, carrying two bags. In one bag she’d packed lots<br />
of supplies for her period/cycle bleed—and she wanted to talk<br />
about all of them! That evening, we explored the large stash of<br />
pads and tampons—we unwrapped, examined and compared<br />
them—you know just a typical sleepover/show-and-tell session!<br />
Here’s an overview of the most current and common period/<br />
cycle bleed management options:<br />
Period Underwear. Period underwear come in many different<br />
styles and patterns, from a longer boxer-style short to<br />
the cheeky styles that will suit all identities, activity levels and<br />
body shapes. While they look like regular underwear, they<br />
have a thicker gusset lining between the legs. The top layer of<br />
fabric allows the fluid to pass through to the middle layer that<br />
absorbs the fluid while the tightly woven bottom/outside layer<br />
prevents the fluid from leaking through. Some styles are thicker<br />
and can be worn for up to 8 hours which works overnight or<br />
for the length of a school day.<br />
The thinner styles can be worn on days with less fluid flow<br />
or when a person is awaiting a period/cycle bleed. The thinner<br />
styles can be helpful for young people who aren’t yet sure when<br />
their period/bleed will begin and feel anxious about being prepared.<br />
To clean them after a single use, simply rinse them and<br />
follow the machine wash and dry instructions. Some brands<br />
even make bathing suits, bike shorts and leggings with leak<br />
proof gussets for more active user options. Typically, a user will<br />
need to have 2–3 pairs of underwear in rotation to ensure they<br />
have an extra pair or two to use during wash times.<br />
Re-usable Pads. Re-usable pads follow the same idea as period<br />
underwear, the major difference being that they are shaped<br />
like a pad and they usually use a snap to secure the pad to the<br />
gusset of regular underwear. They come in different sizes, colours,<br />
patterns and shapes from a light liner to overnight coverage.<br />
They are rinsed and washed as per instructions following<br />
use. They are typically changed every 4–6 hours so likely users<br />
will have to carry two with them for an entire day’s coverage.<br />
With both the underwear and reusable pads, it’s a good idea<br />
to carry a plastic pouch for used pads/underwear, another set<br />
of underwear or pads and maybe some leggings in case there’s<br />
need for back up!<br />
Menstrual Cups. Menstrual cups or discs are worn inside<br />
the body in the vagina and rather than absorbing the fluid like<br />
a tampon, the fluid is collected by the cup or the disc and it’s<br />
either emptied, rinsed and re-inserted if it’s re-usable or discarded<br />
if it’s single use only. Most cups and discs are re-usable<br />
although there are a few brands of discs which are single use.<br />
Cups and discs are usually made of medical grade silicone and<br />
both require the user to be familiar and comfortable enough<br />
with their own bodies to insert and remove them with clean<br />
hands.<br />
Cups typically sit very high in the vagina and create a suction<br />
to the cervix while discs sit a bit lower and have a seal but not<br />
suction. Some brands have different sizes for different sized/<br />
shaped bodies and/or heavier fluid flow days, while others use<br />
a universal-sized approach. Cups/discs usually only need to<br />
be emptied 2–4 times per day depending on the amount of the<br />
fluid flow and can also be easily worn during activities that<br />
involve water like swimming. Users who like to hike and camp<br />
or are planning extended travel often appreciate the ease and<br />
freedom of a re-usable cup or disc. At the end of a cycle, the<br />
re-usable cup or disk is washed and stored according to the instructions<br />
until next use. Reusable cups and discs usually need<br />
to be replaced after two years of use.<br />
All of these products are becoming more accessible, affordable<br />
and popular. Beyond the obvious benefits of convenience<br />
and privacy, many users feel that these products are more environmentally<br />
and financially sustainable. Like anything health<br />
related, if you or your youth have interest in trying a new<br />
method, gather accurate information from reputable sources<br />
and choose a product that feels like a good physical and lifestyle<br />
match.<br />
These new options will go a long way to support our young<br />
people through their period/cycle bleed with increased comfort,<br />
privacy and autonomy while reducing stigma and shame and<br />
leaving the outdated menstrual contraptions in the past!<br />
Jennifer Gibson, MA, is also known as<br />
“The Sex Lady”— for close to 20 years in Greater<br />
Victoria!—to the thousands of amazing youth<br />
and adults she is lucky to educate and learn<br />
with through her job as the Coordinator of Community<br />
Education at <strong>Island</strong> Sexual Health. She’s<br />
passionate about making sexuality education as<br />
positive, fun and non-cringe-able as possible.<br />
38 <strong>Island</strong> <strong>Parent</strong> Magazine <strong>Island</strong><strong>Parent</strong>.ca
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<strong>Island</strong><strong>Parent</strong>.ca<br />
October/November <strong>2022</strong> 39
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