Tweens & Teens 2022 (Island Parent)

&
TWEENS TEENS
2022
Parenting On a
Hope & a Prayer
STAYING AFLOAT IN
THE SOCIAL MEDIA
SHARK TANK
Fly-By-the-Seat-of-Your-Pants
TEEN TRAVEL
Choices Aplenty
Choosing Period Products

Parenting On a
Hope & a Prayer
was a fantastic parent when my kids were young.
I Okay, that sounds egotistical. What I mean to say is I
felt confident in my choices. I knew exactly how I wanted
to raise my babies—love them, provide structure, feed them
nutritious food, expose them to new adventures and teach
them to be kind.
When they turned 13 and entered high school, everything
shifted. Instead of being a hands-on parent, I am relegated
to the role of guide. I have to step back, loosen control and
let them make their own mistakes. It’s terrifying because I’m
never sure if I’m making the right choices.
Let me give you an example.
My oldest son’s bedroom has the best cell phone reception
in the house. Thus my choices when I have an important or
work-related call are to stand in the middle of the backyard
or enter the odorous confines of my teenage son’s bedroom.
On rainy days, I choose the latter.
My son knows I use his room as an office space occasionally
and trusts that I respect his space and his “stuff.” I don’t
snoop. I swear. However, there was one day when I plopped
down on his bed, only to sit on something hard. When I
reached down to retrieve the item from under me, I was absolutely
shocked to find a vape pen.

Starting when my boys were toddlers, I made a point to
nurture an open dialogue about anything and everything.
For years, we’ve discussed sex, love, relationships, drugs,
drinking and even vape pens. As a result, they’ve been open
with me about their struggles, their friendships, their worries,
and their experiences. I know about the fights they
are having, when they’ve been drinking and when they’ve
skipped school. Our policy is open honesty and transparency.
No lies.
The fact that he had tried vaping wasn’t surprising. I
know that part of a teenager’s journey is to experiment, to
find their boundaries and define their values. What shocked
me was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. My naivety
suddenly became undeniable. How foolish of me to believe I
was privy to it all!
After finishing my phone conversation, I walked downstairs,
placed the vape pen on the kitchen table and waited
for my son to return home.
As he walked through the front door, I sat him down.
“We need to talk,” I said. “I know you are going to try
things as you get older, but I thought you knew how bad
vaping is for your body. I’m curious why you tried it.”
“Mom, I just wanted to know what it was like. Sometimes
I’m a dumbass and make stupid choices.”
While I asked a few questions—What did he like about it?
How often did he smoke?—my son actually did the majority
of the talking. He knew all the right things to say. He
spoke about the repercussions to his athletic potential. He
acknowledged the fact that addiction runs in our family and
that he, himself, has an addictive personality. He liked the
“community feeling” of smoking with his friends but mentioned
that he wanted to stop. At the end of the conversation,
he asked me a question I hadn’t been anticipating.
“What are you going to do with the vape pen?”
It felt like a lose-lose situation. If I held onto it, he could
simply buy another one, but it didn’t feel good to give it
back to him either.
After sharing this moral dilemma, I told him I needed time
to think about the options.
While driving home from soccer practice the next evening,
he brought it up again. “Have you decided?”
“Well, I’ve always said that I wouldn’t try to control you.
I am here to educate and to guide, but ultimately, your life
and your choices are yours. I think vaping is dangerous and
stupid, but if that’s what you choose to do with your friends,
you will have to live with any potential consequences. I
guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to give it back to
you.”
Once home, he walked in the house and retreated immediately
to his bedroom. As I passed his doorway on the way
to my own sanctuary, I overheard him on FaceTime with his
girlfriend. So, I stood at the door and listened like a ninja.
Wouldn’t you?
I could hear his girlfriend asking, “So…. she just gave it
back to you?”
“Ya.”
“She doesn’t care if you smoke?”
“Well, she said that she hopes I make the right decision,”
he explained.
“Huh,” the confusion in his girlfriend’s voice was palpable
(and laughable).
“Ya,” my son answered.
Then, there was silence as they both digested this unexpected
outcome.
I giggled quietly to myself as I walked away. At least I
gave them something to ponder!
In truth, I don’t know if this was the right parenting
choice to make. I wonder if I give my boys too much leeway
to make mistakes. I wonder if I should impose consequences
or react in anger or disappointment. I wonder if I should
send a stronger message of unacceptance. At the end of the
day, I want to preserve my relationship with them. I want
them to know I will always try to reserve judgment about
their choices, so that if (and when) something truly problematic
or tragic occurs, they will feel safe in coming to me for
help or guidance. I suppose I’ll find out the consequences of
my parenting choices, whether they were nurturing or naive.
Parenting teenagers is a crapshoot. It’s a toss of the dice
and crossed fingers, hoping for the best possible outcome.
All I can do is hope, pray, and wait.
Kelly Cleeve is a best-selling author
and an educator. More importantly, she is
the proud parent of two amazing sons.
Visit kellycleeve.com or follow her on
Instagram @resilient_kel and Facebook –
Raising Resilient Children/Radiant and
Resilient.
IslandParent.ca October/November 2022 33

Staying Afloat in the
Social Media Shark Tank
We’re habitually distracted with internet and screen time
filling our waking hours and defining leisure time. Our
youth are stressed, anxious, experiencing stronger emotions
and suffering from the burden of being so interconnected.
Participating in social media can feel like we’re swimming
with sharks. And being bitten can look like:
• Dreading checking your device (afraid of what you may
have stirred up)
• Obsessing about who liked or noticed a post, picture or
video
• Allowing responses and feedback on social media to dictate
mood
Six ways to avoid getting bitten and meet the world without
losing yourself:
Be less reactive.
Reacting puts you in survival mode. Respond instead by:
• Reading the full article or post before you share it or comment
• Checking the source to avoid the spread of fake news, confusion
and aggression
• Not having an opinion. Take breaks from posting, sharing
and commenting. Even when someone asks for your opinion,
you can say you don’t know
• Noticing if you are seeking more places to shout your opinion
• Watching for the trap of individualism. When you realize
how attached you are to “Do you like me?” it’s time to take a
social media break. Tracking friends, followers, likes and comments
shouldn’t be a full-time job and it’s hard on the heart.
• Know you don’t need to fix, save or convince people. Those
are all forms of aggression.
• Finding more silence. Breaks from social media will improve
your relationship with it!
Be less distracted.
When you’re distracted day-to-day, you risk going numb.
You’ll also lose connection to yourself, others and our living
world. Distraction fuels reactivity and leaves zero time for wisdom,
insight or compassion.
• Don’t text for one day, set up rules for phone use, and try
do one thing at a time.
• Set boundaries and say “no” more often to curb restlessness.
• Reflect on how distracted we are as a culture.
Have you witnessed how much personal business people
now conduct in public spaces? People talk about their private
relationships, finances and more—right beside you on the bus
or in the grocery store lineup! (They may assume you’re equally
distracted.)
Take a device break in the next line up, waiting room, restaurant
or soccer practice and see what you notice. Collectively
we’ve done a lot of damage because we’re not being present.
It’s a simple change and can be contagious.
Make time for conversation.
Phone or drop-in on a friend or relative. It’s a simple way to
34 Island Parent Magazine IslandParent.ca

feel more connected and less lonely. Maybe text less? Did you
ever consider that texting your friends or family is regularly
distracting them from their relationships, time in nature, their
ability to be present and enjoy silence? What’s the true cost of
more online versus in-person relationships? Do you book times
to talk to people? Are people surprised when you call out of the
blue?
Share less.
Social media is about self-promotion. You build an identity
and brand yet it’s all manufactured. Think about the risks of
constantly telling a story about yourself instead of just living it!
Could you post fewer updates and keep more to yourself? Try
it. The benefits are an increase of living in and savouring the
present moment. In the present moment there is no fear or
anxiety.
Relax.
This doesn’t mean taking a nap or watching TV. Relaxation
is free from strain. Check in with your body right now. Where
is there tension? Can you soften? How are the muscles in your
face? In this moment, put a smile on your face but without
smiling. Next put a smile into your palms, then into an ache
or pain and finish with smiles in your feet (smile at the Earth).
Your mind can create a different sensation. This is a lovely
practice to start each day.
Find ways to get together.
People need to feel they belong which can’t be achieved virtually.
(Popularity isn’t the same as belonging.) We need each
other and time to comfort, console and support our communities.
Find grounding and connection in taking on a local paper
route, helping neighbours with pet sitting or child minding, cutting
lawns or helping with an elder’s garbage and compost bins.
Lindsay Coulter is a writer, educator, facilitator,
naturalist, community catalyst, soul activist,
mentor, and dedicated mother of two. She’s the
Director of Communications, Culture and Community
at EPIC Learning Centre, a forest and nature
school in Victoria. Find her @SaneAction on Instagram
and Facebook.
IslandParent.ca
October/November 2022 35

Fly-by-the-Seat-of-
Your-Pants Teen Travel
My son has just left on an epic
backpacking trip through Europe
starting in Paris. He’s thrilled. I’ve got
that feeling similar to when you binge
eat a tub of espresso chocolate-chip icecream—happy,
excited and then jittery
with a heap of insomnia.
In my pre-COVID career as a filmmaker,
I travelled for much of my
work. I was organized, I carried a
binder with flights, hotels, directions
and often, restaurant recommendations.
When things got delayed, it was
a scramble to make back the production
time. I’ve lost luggage (with audio
equipment), got stuck in Belize for an
extra week because of snow in Texas
(not as fun as most would think), and
have been detained in the Philippines.
When it comes to travelling, I come
with a lot of baggage—literally and
figuratively.
My teenager has been insulated from
that type of experience. He’s had parents
who have kept the trip organized
and him entertained and distracted
when things went sideways. Hungry?
Mama has snacks. Bored? Here is a
movie. He’s had the 5-star bubblewrapped
experience.
He’s jumped into this trip with a
general plan and a fly-by-the-seat of
your pants attitude that is way outside
my comfort zone. Deep down I know
that the beauty in his experience is the
simplicity and the freedom and I expect
that his trip will be a truer cultural experience
than anything I’ve ever done,
but I’m adjusting to this understanding.
Before he launched, I was a very active
part of getting him ready. Here are
some things that worked well for us:
Travel with a carry-on backpack so
you don’t worry about missing luggage.
There are good-sized backpacks
that will meet airline specs. Start packing
your new backpack weeks before
your travel date and think about how
much you really need. Repack several
times and evaluate the items. Then, at
11pm before your early morning flight,
do one last panic purge and repack.
Get all the apps and put in your
information at home. Flight information
is often updated quicker in the app
than in the airport. Many companies
have priority calling through their apps.
Do a trial run with your gear. Encourage
your teen to practice wearing
his backpack and carrying his passport
with his wallet and phone with him to
get comfortable with the new items.
Lack of sleep and jet lag is not the time
to start thinking about where your
passport is or struggle with how easy
it is to carry your backpack through
transit.
Research! Things have changed, especially
with hostels. Read the guides
and find out what you need, and don’t
need, on a trip.
Ensure that there is at least 1.5
hours between flights. It is not a great
time to count on making tight connections.
You can also call the airport to
find out if you have to go through security
again or how big of a distance it is
between gates.
IslandParent.ca

Learn a new sport or refine
your skills: come join our
rock climbing teams!
Pack snacks. There is a lot of waiting
and sometimes food is not readily
available. Teens are hungry every 15
minutes, so having something readily
available is nice. My teen had a sandwich,
but hummus could be confiscated
as it is considered a liquid. Fruits and
vegetables would need to be eaten or
disposed of before landing in an international
location.
The biggest piece of advice is for
parents.
Kathy Peterson, a counsellor at Collaborative
Counselling, advises that
when empty-nest syndrome hits, to remember
your role.
“Remember that parents are the
compass that will guide their children
back home,” says Peterson. “Sometimes
as a parent it is hard to let go but stay
grounded in the knowledge that you’ve
given [your kids] the skills to handle
these challenges and they will come
back with a gamut of experiences that
will shape their future.”
Letting go isn’t easy, but I’m learning
to give my teen space to explore
without needing to check-in and he is
embracing it by only giving me quick
one one-line email updates—sometimes
one word. I’m working on remembering
all the strengths and skills he has, and I
am looking forward to hearing his stories
when he gets back and seeing how
travel has empowered him.
April Butler is the mother
of three (one teenager and
two grown) children and the
grandmother of one. She was
working as a documentary
filmmaker and if her career
doesn’t reboot after the
pandemic, she will just
spend more time sailing.
Registration
for recreational
and competitive
teams open now.
All levels
welcome!
Ages 6–18.
Details and registration at climbtheboulders.com
The Boulders Climbing Gym
1627 Stelly’s Cross Road | Saanichton, BC | 250.544.0310
IN-PERSON
and
VIRTUAL
PROGRAMS
REGISTER
TODAY
www.GirlsInScience.ca
Join Canada's largest STEM Club for girls, nonbinary,
and gender nonconforming youth ages 7 - 17.
IslandParent.ca
October/November 2022 37

Choices Aplenty: Choosing Period Products
Several years ago, a friend’s 10-year-old daughter came for a
sleepover, carrying two bags. In one bag she’d packed lots
of supplies for her period/cycle bleed—and she wanted to talk
about all of them! That evening, we explored the large stash of
pads and tampons—we unwrapped, examined and compared
them—you know just a typical sleepover/show-and-tell session!
Here’s an overview of the most current and common period/
cycle bleed management options:
Period Underwear. Period underwear come in many different
styles and patterns, from a longer boxer-style short to
the cheeky styles that will suit all identities, activity levels and
body shapes. While they look like regular underwear, they
have a thicker gusset lining between the legs. The top layer of
fabric allows the fluid to pass through to the middle layer that
absorbs the fluid while the tightly woven bottom/outside layer
prevents the fluid from leaking through. Some styles are thicker
and can be worn for up to 8 hours which works overnight or
for the length of a school day.
The thinner styles can be worn on days with less fluid flow
or when a person is awaiting a period/cycle bleed. The thinner
styles can be helpful for young people who aren’t yet sure when
their period/bleed will begin and feel anxious about being prepared.
To clean them after a single use, simply rinse them and
follow the machine wash and dry instructions. Some brands
even make bathing suits, bike shorts and leggings with leak
proof gussets for more active user options. Typically, a user will
need to have 2–3 pairs of underwear in rotation to ensure they
have an extra pair or two to use during wash times.
Re-usable Pads. Re-usable pads follow the same idea as period
underwear, the major difference being that they are shaped
like a pad and they usually use a snap to secure the pad to the
gusset of regular underwear. They come in different sizes, colours,
patterns and shapes from a light liner to overnight coverage.
They are rinsed and washed as per instructions following
use. They are typically changed every 4–6 hours so likely users
will have to carry two with them for an entire day’s coverage.
With both the underwear and reusable pads, it’s a good idea
to carry a plastic pouch for used pads/underwear, another set
of underwear or pads and maybe some leggings in case there’s
need for back up!
Menstrual Cups. Menstrual cups or discs are worn inside
the body in the vagina and rather than absorbing the fluid like
a tampon, the fluid is collected by the cup or the disc and it’s
either emptied, rinsed and re-inserted if it’s re-usable or discarded
if it’s single use only. Most cups and discs are re-usable
although there are a few brands of discs which are single use.
Cups and discs are usually made of medical grade silicone and
both require the user to be familiar and comfortable enough
with their own bodies to insert and remove them with clean
hands.
Cups typically sit very high in the vagina and create a suction
to the cervix while discs sit a bit lower and have a seal but not
suction. Some brands have different sizes for different sized/
shaped bodies and/or heavier fluid flow days, while others use
a universal-sized approach. Cups/discs usually only need to
be emptied 2–4 times per day depending on the amount of the
fluid flow and can also be easily worn during activities that
involve water like swimming. Users who like to hike and camp
or are planning extended travel often appreciate the ease and
freedom of a re-usable cup or disc. At the end of a cycle, the
re-usable cup or disk is washed and stored according to the instructions
until next use. Reusable cups and discs usually need
to be replaced after two years of use.
All of these products are becoming more accessible, affordable
and popular. Beyond the obvious benefits of convenience
and privacy, many users feel that these products are more environmentally
and financially sustainable. Like anything health
related, if you or your youth have interest in trying a new
method, gather accurate information from reputable sources
and choose a product that feels like a good physical and lifestyle
match.
These new options will go a long way to support our young
people through their period/cycle bleed with increased comfort,
privacy and autonomy while reducing stigma and shame and
leaving the outdated menstrual contraptions in the past!
Jennifer Gibson, MA, is also known as
“The Sex Lady”— for close to 20 years in Greater
Victoria!—to the thousands of amazing youth
and adults she is lucky to educate and learn
with through her job as the Coordinator of Community
Education at Island Sexual Health. She’s
passionate about making sexuality education as
positive, fun and non-cringe-able as possible.
38 Island Parent Magazine IslandParent.ca

NOW OPEN
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IslandParent.ca
October/November 2022 39

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