GRAND Vol VI Ed I
GRAND honours and supports grandparents by providing information on resources and businesses for families and a forum for the exchange of ideas and opinions: Thou Shalt! A Grandparent’s Guide to Doing Away with the Rules • Grand Boundaries • 10 Baby Shower Gifts
GRAND honours and supports grandparents by providing information on resources and businesses for families and a forum for the exchange of ideas and opinions: Thou Shalt! A Grandparent’s Guide to Doing Away with the Rules • Grand Boundaries • 10 Baby Shower Gifts
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<strong>Vol</strong>. <strong>VI</strong>, <strong>Ed</strong>. I<br />
<strong>GRAND</strong><br />
grandmag.ca<br />
Thou Shalt!<br />
A Grandparent’s Guide to<br />
grandmag.ca<br />
Doing Away with the Rules<br />
Grand Boundaries<br />
<strong>Vol</strong>. <strong>VI</strong>, <strong>Ed</strong>. I 1<br />
10 Baby Shower Gifts
Grandparenting<br />
Thou Shalt!<br />
I<br />
grew up with a lot of shibboleths and<br />
thou shalt nots. Thou shalt not make a<br />
mess, thou shalt not make a peep, thou<br />
shalt not reach for another cookie, thou<br />
shalt not say “love” when talking about<br />
food, thou shalt not question the conventional<br />
wisdom or upset the status quo.<br />
My husband and I wrote anarchist<br />
songs, Brown Bag Blues, and toured a<br />
show called Jabber Disease. We brought on<br />
“Thou shalt!” in poem and song, paeans<br />
to seven beautiful virtues.<br />
Pride is a goodie. Watch any kitty<br />
when she catches herself in the mirror,<br />
Thou shalt not was a tune with infinite<br />
variations. In church, where we<br />
were washed in the blood of the lamb,<br />
which turned out to be propaganda, they<br />
preached the Seven Deadly Sins and my<br />
life ambition turned out to be turning sin<br />
into mindful practice.<br />
They say suppression invites subversion.<br />
I fancied myself a subversive and<br />
got arrested a few times. Call me arrested<br />
mother, grandmother and great grandmother.<br />
I’m still getting busted.<br />
a window. Yikes. Is that me or a more<br />
formidable she? Babies smile in the mirror<br />
and that is before they hear they are<br />
too smart or not smart enough, too ugly<br />
or too beautiful. I love you, we say. Keep<br />
smiling. Draw yourself over and over.<br />
Paint yourself proud. Colour your world.<br />
Greed is gathering. We make picture<br />
after picture of images we love. We gather<br />
friends when we play in the park near<br />
our house, say “Hello friend!” to every<br />
new face. We gather berries to cook and<br />
2 <strong>GRAND</strong> grandmag.ca
shells to paint. We gather music. Every<br />
last thing makes a sound and we listen,<br />
greedy for birdsong and, ocean wailing,<br />
footsteps drumming sidewalks, all notes<br />
for our scores. Soundwalks are great. Is<br />
this greed? If so, bring it on.<br />
Wrath is war on bullies. Whoever said<br />
righteous indignation is bad? When is<br />
a wrong not a wrong? Get mad at the<br />
window that smacked the sparrow. Get<br />
mad at the thug smacking a smaller kid.<br />
There are bad guys and good guys. Fairy<br />
tales tell us that, and kids need to know<br />
how to deal with oppression. Read the<br />
stories that tell us to love ourselves, be<br />
bigger, set an example. Get mad and use<br />
our words. Rage at the bad stories on TV<br />
and man and woman up for warriordom.<br />
Fight for clean air and clean water, for<br />
peace.<br />
Lust is hunger for knowledge. Aren’t<br />
we hungry all the time, for truth and<br />
beauty. Lust drives us to smell the flowers,<br />
collect leaves, read books, climb trees<br />
so we can see forever. Some kids like<br />
small collections that fit in their pockets.<br />
Sometimes we go for walks and gather.<br />
What is this pebble, this egg, this caterpillar<br />
(be gentle) this moss, this bug?<br />
Every last thing has a story, a life. We<br />
gather people too. Safe strangers are fun.<br />
Sometimes they tell you their stories and<br />
sometimes it’s fun to guess.<br />
Envy is admiration. We listen to music<br />
and copy the sounds. We look at art<br />
and aspire to paint. We dance to the<br />
rhythms in poetry. We envy the sunset<br />
for its’ beautiful regret and sunrise for<br />
its’ promise. We want to be the light. That<br />
is the meaning of genius, joining the<br />
envious “I” to the “Us” so we are one, all<br />
moving parts in the great circle of life.<br />
Look at this, look at that, we say. Choose<br />
the best parts, the ones that fit with our<br />
mandate to be the best us.<br />
Gluttony. Do cookies ever taste as good<br />
as batter? We take, then bake, our bellies<br />
filled before we load the oven: bread<br />
dough, whole bowls of berries, spoonfuls<br />
of honey. Food is for pleasure and<br />
for life. Who said we shouldn’t love it?<br />
Be greedy, little ones, and take enough<br />
to share, all our fingers in the same pie,<br />
because everyone deserves a taste. We<br />
decorate brown paper bags, ride the bus<br />
downtown and give happy lunches, all<br />
our pleasures combined in one joyful<br />
afternoon.<br />
And most important of all is sloth,<br />
the pure joy of rest, doing nothing but<br />
breathe and dream. First, we find a soft<br />
bed of grass or moss, clover if we’re<br />
lucky, then we lie down to experience<br />
the luxury of rainbows or starry nights.<br />
We look up and watch the shapes of our<br />
ancestors playing hide and go seek with<br />
future kids through clouds as fleecy as<br />
the sheep we count on our way to sleep.<br />
Of all the deadly sins, sloth is the most<br />
pleasant because S is for satiation when<br />
we fill ourselves with sunshine and story.<br />
Sin away kids. Thou shalt! We’re a big<br />
club. Everyone welcome. Grammalinda’s<br />
got your back.<br />
Linda Rogers is a poet,<br />
novelist, essayist, journalist,<br />
editor and songwriter.<br />
WHAT WILL YOUR<br />
LEGACY BE?<br />
Make a BIG difference.<br />
Support local children and<br />
youth with a gift in your will.<br />
(250) 475-1117 ext. #102<br />
Victoria.BigBrothersBigSisters.ca<br />
grandmag.ca<br />
<strong>Vol</strong>. <strong>VI</strong>, <strong>Ed</strong>. I 3
Shop<br />
10 Baby Shower Gifts<br />
for Grandparents-to-Be<br />
I<br />
have just had the immense pleasure<br />
of meeting my first grandchild! He<br />
is such a delicious little blob of goo.<br />
So soft and warm. I have always loved<br />
babies and am happy to cuddle any baby<br />
at all. But my own son’s baby feels very<br />
special indeed.<br />
My daughter-in-law, Chloë, and my<br />
son, Simon, who live in Ontario, were<br />
very conscientious in curating a wishlist<br />
for their baby shower. So I thought<br />
I would share some of those items the<br />
new parents liked the best and found<br />
the most useful. And I have added some<br />
of my favourites, too.<br />
1. Swift Playard by MaxiCosi<br />
Chloë absolutely loves this. She says<br />
it’s super clutch to have a shallow bassinet<br />
where the baby can sleep in the<br />
living room, and where they can change<br />
a quick diaper. Later it will convert to<br />
a deeper playard which can fold up and<br />
come along on trips to friends’ houses.<br />
I like that it’s got wooden legs—<br />
makes it feels like furniture instead of<br />
camping equipment. And it’s very light<br />
and easy to set up; I was able to do it<br />
with no trouble. maxicosi.com/ca-en/<br />
swift-playard-05430-mc-ca-en.html<br />
2. Happy Island Diaper Service<br />
Simon is so impressed with the Diaper<br />
Service they are using in Ontario.<br />
He very much wanted to use cloth diapers,<br />
but they live in an apartment with<br />
coin-operated laundry. So washing their<br />
own diapers is a difficult proposition.<br />
The Diaper Service delivers clean diapers<br />
every week and take the dirty ones<br />
away. Diaper service is comparable in<br />
price to using disposables, but it’s better<br />
for the environment.<br />
My mother, the baby’s Great Grandmother,<br />
is paying for the diaper service<br />
for the first few months. It makes her<br />
feel very useful! happyislanddiapers.<br />
com<br />
3. The Yoyo2 stroller from BabyZen<br />
Very compact, the Yoyo2 folds up in<br />
a snap to the size of a carry-on suitcase.<br />
Light enough for Chloë to lug up to their<br />
3rd floor walk-up. There are several attachments<br />
for it: a bassinet for new babies,<br />
clips for the car-seat, a yoyo-board<br />
for the big-sibling when the next baby<br />
4 <strong>GRAND</strong> grandmag.ca
comes, even skis for deep snow! It’s<br />
steady, with a low centre of gravity, but<br />
easily manoeuvrable. It’s quite pricey,<br />
but several households pitched in at<br />
the baby shower and it seems to have<br />
been well worth it! babyzen.com/pages/<br />
yoyo2-stroller-birth<br />
(Simon and Chloë recommend consulting<br />
this comparison chart on Reddit:<br />
reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/z2qwrs/comparison_of_travel_<br />
strollers_details_in_the)<br />
4. Herschel Settlement Sprout<br />
Backpack Diaperbag<br />
This backpack comes in many colours.<br />
Trim and compact, with many<br />
separate compartments and a changing<br />
pad. Will need an extra wetbag if<br />
parents are using cloth diapers, but<br />
that’s easy enough to get (see #5). Both<br />
parents agreed they could carry this bag<br />
with confidence. So stylish that Simon’s<br />
fashionista Great-Aunt was happy to<br />
select it for the baby shower. westcoastkids.ca/settlement-sprout<br />
5. Colibri Wet<br />
Colibri is a Manitoba company with<br />
wetbags in a whole raft of sizes, colours<br />
and patterns. Good quality at a great<br />
price. Wetbags are useful for so much<br />
more than wet diapers. Bathing suits,<br />
toiletries, snacks, sandwiches. A great<br />
parenting hack! colibricanada.com/collections/regular-wet-bags<br />
6. Beluga Baby Wrap<br />
This Canadian company makes soft<br />
and stretchy sustainable bamboo fabric<br />
wraps, just over in Vancouver! While<br />
learning to use a baby wrap might<br />
seem scary, it’s really no more complicated<br />
than tying your shoelaces. Simon<br />
learned in an afternoon and loves to<br />
wear the baby around the house and out<br />
on walks in the neighbourhood. It really<br />
is the cosiest, easiest way to keep a baby<br />
soothed, while getting chores done, and<br />
a great way for parents to bond with the<br />
baby. belugababy.ca<br />
7. The Make My Belly Fit Universal<br />
Jacket Extender<br />
This is a brilliant idea, invented by a<br />
Dad in Montreal. It’s a panel that zips<br />
into most jackets to create space first<br />
for the growing pregnancy tummy, and<br />
later for the baby in a wrap or carrier. It<br />
has a removable fleece layer for colder<br />
climates. A really thoughtful gift that<br />
Chloe used all winter. And Simon can<br />
use it when he baby-wears too! makemybellyfit.com/products/universaljacket-extender<br />
8. ErgoPouch Cocoon Swaddle<br />
Sack<br />
As Chloë said, this was clutch in the<br />
early days when baby needed to be<br />
swaddled to be comfortable but the<br />
parents were still figuring things out.<br />
Later, when the baby can roll over, you<br />
can open the sleeve holes so baby’s arms<br />
can be free. Being swaddled helps baby<br />
calm down because of the slight pressure<br />
on their body. And it also keeps<br />
them warm and cosy through the night.<br />
The ErgoPouch was invented by an Australian<br />
mom—Alina Sack! ergopouch.<br />
com/products/pouches<br />
9. Organic Cotton Baby Gowns<br />
from Parade<br />
I loved dressing my own babies in<br />
baby nightgowns. Not only did they<br />
look so cute and old-fashioned, but the<br />
nightgowns were so easy to pull up for<br />
diaper-changes in the dark. And no<br />
need to thread legs back into pants, or<br />
snap fasteners with sleepy fingers. The<br />
organic cotton gowns (and all sorts of<br />
other baby clothes) from Parade come in<br />
lots of colours and patterns, including<br />
a wide selection of genderneutral ones.<br />
And the cotton jersey is thick and warm<br />
and holds up to many many washes.<br />
When I found out Chloë and Simon<br />
had not received any little gowns at the<br />
shower, I sent a batch of these off to<br />
them. They use them all the time. parade.ca/collections/organic-baby-gowns<br />
10. Copper Pearl Premium Burp<br />
Cloths (in the Bloom pattern)<br />
So pretty with their flowery pattern<br />
(and there are many other patterns to<br />
choose from), but also thick and absorbent<br />
to catch baby spit-up. A lower<br />
price-point item, always good to include<br />
on a baby shower wish-list. copperpearl.com/products/premium-burpcloths-bloom<br />
Bonus Item<br />
Really more of an “Oh Wow you’re<br />
pregnant!” gift: A is for Advice (The Reassuring<br />
Kind): Wisdom for Pregnancy<br />
by Ilana Stanger-Ross. Ilana is a Registered<br />
Midwife in Victoria. Her book is<br />
full of up-to-date, evidence-based, gentle<br />
information and advice for pregnant<br />
parents. It’s wonderfully comforting<br />
and beautifully designed with great illustrations.<br />
I send it off (via bookstores<br />
on the internet) to anyone in my circle<br />
who gets pregnant. And they all love it.<br />
Being a grandparent is full of surprises<br />
and joys. I didn’t expect to feel so<br />
moved by seeing my son parent his baby<br />
so sweetly. I never thought about how I<br />
would feel to see my parents hold their<br />
first great-grandchild. I think that was a<br />
high point in my life.<br />
With Simon and Chloë and the little<br />
one living so far away, I am going to<br />
be a Zoom-Ma, who checks in via the<br />
computer screen on the weekend. I will<br />
miss a lot, I know. But I certainly can<br />
engage in one of the time-honoured joys<br />
of grandparenting—shopping for the<br />
baby! Enjoy!<br />
Eva Bild is a childbirth, parenting<br />
and lactation educator and doula<br />
trainer. She has been working<br />
with new families since 1992.<br />
Eva is the founder of the<br />
Mothering Touch Centre. She is the mother of<br />
three wonderful adults, but most excitingly,<br />
she is now a grandmother! evabild.ca<br />
grandmag.ca<br />
<strong>Vol</strong>. <strong>VI</strong>, <strong>Ed</strong>. I 5
Grandparenting<br />
Grand Boundaries<br />
My daughter is growing into her role<br />
of mother with grace, wisdom and<br />
patience. Yes, I know I’m biased,<br />
but it is a remarkable thing to witness. I<br />
believe this to be one of the most meaningful<br />
experiences of my lifetime along<br />
with being a parent myself. The determination<br />
that could bring me to my knees<br />
when I was her mother is one of her<br />
greatest gifts as a mother herself. It provides<br />
her with the strength to make decisions<br />
based on her beliefs and values.<br />
There are many boundaries to consider<br />
between parents and grandparents. How<br />
much time do we give or ask for when it<br />
comes to babysitting? Or, as a grandparent,<br />
when are you stretching yourself too<br />
much? I see a reluctance in my daughter<br />
to ask me to babysit while she teaches<br />
yoga or goes to an appointment if it is<br />
outside of my usual Nana Day. So, I make<br />
a point of checking in any spare moment<br />
I have which tends to be an hour or two,<br />
here or there, a few times a week. We<br />
check in with each other. Am I asking too<br />
much, I know you have your own life, Mom.<br />
Or, are you wanting some company or have<br />
you got plans?<br />
Other boundaries include the role we<br />
play in our relationships. While I have<br />
taught parenting for decades, I am not<br />
my daughter’s parenting expert. I’m her<br />
mom, the only woman on the planet who<br />
can be her mom. Imagine how allergic<br />
she would feel to my advice if it was<br />
unsolicited and coming from judgment<br />
or wanting to teach her how to be a better<br />
parent. Fortunately, my own mom<br />
modelled this boundary for me. She stood<br />
back, respected my choices, and didn’t<br />
interfere with our parenting.<br />
I’m grateful that there is so much information<br />
available to parents now. More<br />
than that, I’m grateful that my daughter<br />
beats to her own heart. She doesn’t buy<br />
into some of the theories that suggest you<br />
can spoil children by responding to their<br />
needs.<br />
These questions are asked by both parents<br />
and grandparents:<br />
How do we have serious or difficult<br />
conversations when we see things differently?<br />
What would be an issue that I<br />
would feel compelled to discuss? What<br />
are the important points of parenting<br />
that I would want to share? If I see or<br />
hear something that concerns me, what<br />
is my belief? What is important about<br />
this issue? What is the need or value that<br />
it represents?<br />
A recipe for bringing things up:<br />
Choose a time to talk when there are<br />
no distractions or children present.<br />
Ask permission. Would you be comfortable<br />
with me stating a concern?<br />
Stick to the facts, not what you think<br />
but what you can specifically observe.<br />
When I hear or see __________. And state<br />
what need or value you are concerned<br />
about.<br />
Watch your body language. Your adult<br />
child may be exhausted, uncertain and<br />
already riddled with feelings of guilt.<br />
Have a soft face and a gentle tone.<br />
If the statement doesn’t land, stop talking.<br />
Go slow so that you have time to feel<br />
things out and to listen to the response.<br />
Get curious.<br />
If what you say is making sense and<br />
well received express gratitude. I appreciate<br />
our ability to talk about these things.<br />
Remind your child that we learn as we<br />
go, and we are all doing our best.<br />
We tend to repeat what we learned in<br />
our own families growing up when it<br />
comes to boundaries. If we are fortunate,<br />
healthy boundaries come easily. If the<br />
boundaries were blurred we may have<br />
some blind spots yet, we can educate ourselves<br />
and develop our awareness.<br />
As parents, we learn through our successes<br />
and failures. We don’t have all the<br />
answers up front. We gather knowledge<br />
day to day by looking back if something<br />
didn’t go well or if we are feeling guilty.<br />
Boundaries that matter usually represent<br />
respect for time, privacy, emotional and<br />
physical safety, people’s autonomy, and<br />
the need to belong and be loved.<br />
I remember very clearly, two times<br />
that my mother spoke up. Once, when my<br />
daughter was four and I was sick with<br />
the flu. My daughter was climbing all<br />
over me and not letting me sleep. I said<br />
something awful like, if you keep waking<br />
me up, I’m going to get sicker. With that,<br />
my mother spoke sternly and said, she<br />
doesn’t need that kind of responsibility for<br />
your health.<br />
The second incident came years later<br />
when she was in her late 80s. I started<br />
going to her apartment to clean it. I was<br />
on my knees cleaning her toilet bowl.<br />
Standing behind me, I heard her say, Dr.<br />
Rees! I can hire a cleaner, I just want you to<br />
be my daughter.<br />
With a loving connection, and healthy<br />
boundaries we can navigate those invisible<br />
lines. We can create what works for<br />
everyone and enjoy loving and being<br />
loved.<br />
Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator,<br />
counsellor and coach at<br />
LIFE Seminars (Living in Families<br />
Effectively), lifeseminars.com<br />
6 <strong>GRAND</strong> grandmag.ca
TRavel to snowy forests, scorched savannaH and the darkest depths of the ocean,<br />
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BUY TICKETS AT<br />
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<strong>Vol</strong>. <strong>VI</strong>, <strong>Ed</strong>. I 7
Gone are the days of rocking chairs and<br />
recliners. Today’s grandparents are more<br />
likely to be rock climbing or going for a run<br />
than they are to be rocking or reclining.<br />
<strong>Vol</strong>. <strong>VI</strong>, <strong>Ed</strong>. I<br />
RAND<br />
grandmag.ca<br />
We’re an active and diverse group—an engaged,<br />
evolving and powerful force. We’re<br />
mentors, nurturers, keepers of secrets.<br />
We’re caregivers, child care providers,<br />
dessert-before-dinner defenders. We’re<br />
historians, spiritual guides and the holders<br />
of family stories.<br />
<strong>GRAND</strong> celebrates who you are as a grandparent<br />
and who you are as an individual.<br />
You love spending time with your grandchildren<br />
and you’re happy in your other<br />
roles: at work, in the community and on<br />
your own. <strong>GRAND</strong> acknowledges that you<br />
are not “one or the other”—an “either/or”<br />
version of yourself—you are many different<br />
things to many different people. And to<br />
yourself.<br />
Thou Shalt!<br />
A Grandparent’s Guide to<br />
Doing Away with the Rules<br />
Jim Schneider Publisher<br />
publisher@islandparent.ca<br />
Sue Fast <strong>Ed</strong>itor<br />
editor@islandparent.ca<br />
Kristine Wickheim Account Manager<br />
kristine@islandparent.ca<br />
RaeLeigh Buchanan Account Manager<br />
raeleigh@islandparent.ca<br />
<strong>GRAND</strong>, published by Island Parent Group Enterprises Ltd., is a digital<br />
publication that honours and supports grandparents by providing<br />
information on resources and businesses for families and a forum<br />
for the exchange of ideas and opinions. Views expressed are not<br />
necessarily those of the publisher. No material herein may be<br />
reproduced without the permission of the publisher.<br />
518 Caselton Place, Victoria, BC V8Z 7Y5<br />
Grand Boundaries<br />
10 Baby Shower Gifts<br />
250-388-6905 grandmag.ca<br />
A proud member of<br />
BC<br />
With an Island perspective that speaks<br />
to an international readership, <strong>GRAND</strong> is<br />
the source for on-the-go grandparents of<br />
up-to-the-minute and thought-provoking<br />
information and ideas—on everything from<br />
having fun, staying fit and things to do to<br />
travel, leisure, health and technology. Think<br />
of <strong>GRAND</strong> as a trusted friend who happily<br />
shares those “senior moments” (in the<br />
best sense of the words!) and keeps you<br />
informed and connected to the issues and<br />
ideas that really matter. After reading an<br />
issue of <strong>GRAND</strong>, you should feel inspired,<br />
up-to-date and informed.<br />
We’re here for you: from helping you<br />
figure out where you fit in to tackling your<br />
most perplexing questions, sharing your<br />
greatest discoveries and celebrating your<br />
deepest joys.<br />
<strong>GRAND</strong> features articles on topics ranging<br />
from the importance of storytelling,<br />
cooking with your grandkids and community<br />
superheroes, to photographing your<br />
grandkids, gift-giving and grandparenting<br />
from afar. There are ideas and inspiration<br />
to help keep you in-the-know and connected,<br />
there’s a guide to investing in your<br />
grandchildren’s future and there’s tech<br />
support that will help you face your fears<br />
and embrace the cloud.<br />
<strong>GRAND</strong> is as diverse and engaged as you<br />
are. Together, we’re a powerful and positive<br />
force—in our grandchildren’s lives and<br />
in our communities.<br />
8 <strong>GRAND</strong> grandmag.ca
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<strong>Vol</strong>. <strong>VI</strong>, <strong>Ed</strong>. I 9