Tweens & Teens 2022 (Island Parent)

Starting when my boys were toddlers, I made a point to
nurture an open dialogue about anything and everything.
For years, we’ve discussed sex, love, relationships, drugs,
drinking and even vape pens. As a result, they’ve been open
with me about their struggles, their friendships, their worries,
and their experiences. I know about the fights they
are having, when they’ve been drinking and when they’ve
skipped school. Our policy is open honesty and transparency.
No lies.
The fact that he had tried vaping wasn’t surprising. I
know that part of a teenager’s journey is to experiment, to
find their boundaries and define their values. What shocked
me was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. My naivety
suddenly became undeniable. How foolish of me to believe I
was privy to it all!
After finishing my phone conversation, I walked downstairs,
placed the vape pen on the kitchen table and waited
for my son to return home.
As he walked through the front door, I sat him down.
“We need to talk,” I said. “I know you are going to try
things as you get older, but I thought you knew how bad
vaping is for your body. I’m curious why you tried it.”
“Mom, I just wanted to know what it was like. Sometimes
I’m a dumbass and make stupid choices.”
While I asked a few questions—What did he like about it?
How often did he smoke?—my son actually did the majority
of the talking. He knew all the right things to say. He
spoke about the repercussions to his athletic potential. He
acknowledged the fact that addiction runs in our family and
that he, himself, has an addictive personality. He liked the
“community feeling” of smoking with his friends but mentioned
that he wanted to stop. At the end of the conversation,
he asked me a question I hadn’t been anticipating.
“What are you going to do with the vape pen?”
It felt like a lose-lose situation. If I held onto it, he could
simply buy another one, but it didn’t feel good to give it
back to him either.
After sharing this moral dilemma, I told him I needed time
to think about the options.
While driving home from soccer practice the next evening,
he brought it up again. “Have you decided?”
“Well, I’ve always said that I wouldn’t try to control you.
I am here to educate and to guide, but ultimately, your life
and your choices are yours. I think vaping is dangerous and
stupid, but if that’s what you choose to do with your friends,
you will have to live with any potential consequences. I
guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to give it back to
you.”
Once home, he walked in the house and retreated immediately
to his bedroom. As I passed his doorway on the way
to my own sanctuary, I overheard him on FaceTime with his
girlfriend. So, I stood at the door and listened like a ninja.
Wouldn’t you?
I could hear his girlfriend asking, “So…. she just gave it
back to you?”
“Ya.”
“She doesn’t care if you smoke?”
“Well, she said that she hopes I make the right decision,”
he explained.
“Huh,” the confusion in his girlfriend’s voice was palpable
(and laughable).
“Ya,” my son answered.
Then, there was silence as they both digested this unexpected
outcome.
I giggled quietly to myself as I walked away. At least I
gave them something to ponder!
In truth, I don’t know if this was the right parenting
choice to make. I wonder if I give my boys too much leeway
to make mistakes. I wonder if I should impose consequences
or react in anger or disappointment. I wonder if I should
send a stronger message of unacceptance. At the end of the
day, I want to preserve my relationship with them. I want
them to know I will always try to reserve judgment about
their choices, so that if (and when) something truly problematic
or tragic occurs, they will feel safe in coming to me for
help or guidance. I suppose I’ll find out the consequences of
my parenting choices, whether they were nurturing or naive.
Parenting teenagers is a crapshoot. It’s a toss of the dice
and crossed fingers, hoping for the best possible outcome.
All I can do is hope, pray, and wait.
Kelly Cleeve is a best-selling author
and an educator. More importantly, she is
the proud parent of two amazing sons.
Visit kellycleeve.com or follow her on
Instagram @resilient_kel and Facebook –
Raising Resilient Children/Radiant and
Resilient.
IslandParent.ca October/November 2022 33