HCH March 25 2011 Legal - Chattanooga Bar Association

6 Friday, March 25, 2011 www.hamiltoncountyherald.com
HAMILTON COUNTY HERALD
The squirrels are back.
They took up residence with us
sometime last December I think,
when the north winds caused
all living things to seek shelter.
They had taken a year off from
their spot in my attic; perhaps
it was to visit one of their other
homes in the mountains, or to
their beach house; whatever the
reason, they’re back.
So the squirrel assassin, aka
“Rocky remover,” made a return
visit to my house. He called me
on the phone to set the appointment
and ask for directions. I
knew he didn’t really need them.
And he knew that I knew.
As squirrel assassins go,
mine is a likeable guy. He takes
pride in what he does and he
likes sharing with his clients
all the intricacies of his trade.
“These things must be done delicately,”
I’m sure I heard him say
one time.
Please know that I have
nothing against the squirrel as
a species. As long as they are in
the woods behind my house we
get along just fine.
I don’t hold with Fred’s theory
that they are just “rats with
furry tails.” Fred really believes
this. It was just last week that he
was telling me, “If rats can figure
out a way to grow fur on their
tails and hop then their entire
image changes.” Unless of course
they pitch a tent above where
you are sleeping.
So the assassin came out to
the house last Monday morning,
early, because that’s how they do
it, crack of dawn type guys. I had
already left for work and gave
instructions to my son Matt on
how to deal with the assassin.
He would be paid a one-time fee,
in small, unmarked bills.
About 30 minutes after I’d
been at work I received a call
from Matt asking if I wanted
the 30-day or the 90-day “assassins
warranty.”
“Well if he does his job why
do I need a warranty at all?” I
asked.
Matt didn’t have an answer,
or at least didn’t volunteer one,
in fact, there was a dead silence.
“Is he standing right there?”
“Mmmmm hmmmmm.”
“OK, tell him I don’t want
any warranty, just the basic one
time, take ‘em all out, fee.”
“OK,” Matt said. “Oh, and
Dad, there’s one more thing.”
The way things were going
lately for me I knew one more
thing probably didn’t mean
Publisher’s Clearing House was
at the door wanting to know if
I preferred annual payments or
a lump sum.
“What is it?” I hated to ask.
“We have bats.”
“Bats! You’re kidding. How
many?”
“He showed me two,” Matt
said.
Squirrels were one thing.
Now we were in a whole different
arena. I didn’t care what
Fred said; there was no way to
make a bat cute, no matter how
much fluff and fur you apply.
They were rabid blood-sucking
creatures that swooped down at
night and turned you into one
GETTING IT OVER WITH By Victor Fleming
across
1 Friend, to Francois
4 ___ Hashanah
8 What “there oughta be”
12 Passing fancy
13 Fencing piece
14 Simone of song
15 Units of self-importance
17 WBC results
18 Like scenarios in which no
one loses
19 “Telefone” singer Easton
21 Office machine supply
23 With “coals,” firewalking
phrase
24 Angelic auras
26 Bucky Beaver’s brand
28 Like sheep
29 “Santa Maria,” for one
32 Create
33 The limit’s leader, after
“the”
34 1-Across reversal
35 Hot time, for 1-Across
36 “A Zoo Story” playwright
37 It divides the court
38 Do brunch
39 Not often seen
40 Folklore meanie
41 Serbia neighbor
43 “Desert Fox” Rommel
44 Dry, in a way
45 Reagle and a Belgian
blackbird
46 Contented cat sounds
48 Boutros Boutros-___
50 Duller of the senses
52 GM security system
55 “An Iceland Fisherman”
author Pierre
56 Song about plucking feathers
off a lark
58 Certain blood type, briefly
59 Tool in a bunker
60 It may have periods
61 Arid area dweller’s prayer
request
62 Former soccer org.
63 Light shuteye
Are we there yet?
Attic creatures
and a joke
B y J a y E d w a r d s
Diversions
of the Undead. I didn’t care for
bats at all.
“What are we suppose to do
about bats,” I asked.
“The exterminator says to
spray them with water or Windex,”
Matt said. They are not
actually in the attic; they’re in
the eaves. He also says to buy
some more of that wire screen,
to make sure they stay out.”
So there I had it, my castle
was being overrun with wild animals.
What was next, a Monitor
lizard in my shower? A Black
Mamba in my pantry?
A little while later as I sat at
my desk envisioning the Amazon
running through my den, I felt a
Blackberry-like vibration from
my right hip. I looked at the
phone and saw I had a new email
from Matt. The subject line said,
“Bats.”
I opened the attachment
and there they were. Two little
not cute at all furry creatures
huddled in the corner of the
wooded eave, just outside my
I Swear Crossword Brooklyn, N.Y. – My
Down
1 Some
2 Biblical travelers
3 With 9-Down, admission by
22-Down
4 Make double sure the suds
are out
5 Offer one’s thoughts
6 IRA leader?
7 Exxon competitor
8 Boom box feature
9 See 3-Down
10 “That’s ___!” (“Don’t do
that!”)
11 Came to
16 Blastoff lead-in
20 Throaty
22 1996 Pulitzer winner for
Feature Writing
24 Sewing class
25 Graphic Internet identity
27 Endorser, usually
30 Chef who regularly “kicks it
up a notch”
31 Nears midnight
Victor Fleming’s puzzles have appeared in many publications,
including the New York Times and Games Magazine.
33 Bumped off
36 Manet or Monet
40 End of a threat
42 Charge in court
43 Common temple name
46 Of the Arctic or Antarctic
47 “Once-time” insertion
49 Tackle box supply
51 Pull down
53 Gillette product
54 Bring in the crop
57 Half a Teletubby’s name
Last week’s solution
annual trek to the American
Crossword Puzzle Tournament
began before daylight Thursday,
March 17. It was St. Patrick’s
Day, and I forgot to wear green
Fortunately, I had my green pen
in my pocket.
After nibbling some breakfast,
I was off to the airport
for a 7 a.m. flight to Atlanta.
The layover being three hours, I
found a decent triple-salad plate
featuring fruit, mixed greens and
three-bean salad. There’s good
food to be found in Atlanta’s
airport.
The ETA for JFK was 3
p.m. I was seated with a bunch
of twelfth graders from Florida.
Headed to Italy for spring break,
they seemed fascinated that the
likes of me would be going to a
crossword tournament. The artist
among them drew a caricature
of me in her sketchbook. I’m
hoping for a copy.
The pilot brought us in
early. The cab driver was less
efficient. Last year, I did the
subway and got to the hotel in
30 minutes. The cab ride took
an hour.
Why had I thought it would
be shorter? The freeway from
JFK to Brooklyn was like a parking
lot. And the hack had two
speeds: petal-to-the-metal and
full-brake-slam.
Safely in Brooklyn’s Marriott,
I greeted other early arrivals
among my cruciverbal buds,
friends I see but once a year. A
select group of us ate pizza and
stuffed registration packets for
the 630 pre-registered participants,
plus another 100 to cover
the walk-in traffic.
Friday, I slipped into Man-
hattan for lunch with some corporate
friends, and Friday night
brought fun and games, including
a competitive solving of
cryptics.
“But on,” I hear you saying,
attic. They slept peacefully,
waiting for the sun to sink into
the horizon and blackness to
envelop the sky. This was no job
for a glass-cleaning product. I
needed a crucifix, or at the least
a Van Helsing.
Or better yet, I needed the
squirrels to attack them. They
were there first, intruding long
before the bats spotted us from
above. Where was their squirrelly
pride? They were just hopping
rats with furry tails. It was
high time they started acting the
part. Of course, they would need
to be quick about it. Their time
was growing short.
•••
A guy is sitting at home
when he hears a knock at the
door. He opens the door and sees
a snail on the porch. He picks up
the snail and throws it as far as
he can. Three years later, there’s
a knock on the door. He opens
it and sees the same snail. The
snail says, “What the hell was
that all about?” v
I Swear...
Puzzling tourney
2011
B y Vi c F l e m i n g
“to the exciting competition!”
Where, again, I was a volunteer
official, with the added pizzazz of
having one of my puzzles used in
the tournament.
After the first seven puzzles,
completed through the
day Saturday and on Sunday
morning, last year’s winner,
Dan Feyer, was in first, with last
year’s third-pace finisher Anne
Erdmann and five-time winner
Tyler Hinman on his tail.
But it was not even as close
as that might make it seem.
Dan had relaxed on Puzzle
seven, letting a four minute slip
to two. But in the finals, he blew
the competition away. Tyler,
whose win at the age of 20
was a high point in the documentary
“Wordplay,” and whose
four ensuing consecutive wins is
a tournament record, came in
a distant second and Anne an
even more distant third.
Some of the brutal clueanswer
combinations from the
A-division final puzzle, constructed
by Mike Nothnagel:
[Charge when a job is done?]
GUN IT, [Small purchase]
TOE HOLD, [Smooth] IRON
OUT, [Jaw holder] VISE and
[Act like Bruce Wayne] LEAD
A DOUBLE LIFE.
The extra-puzzling entertainment
included a play
Saturday night, “Life Is Shortz,”
by Lee Marcus, performed by
actors Tiese Houston and Zach
Woolridge, all of Hornell, NY.
Cleverly written, the play
suggested that waiting a day to
solve a tough crossword makes
it easier. The clues and answers
are absorbed into the collective
unconscious and, thus, become
more accessible.
Hmmm …
Vic Fleming is a district court
judge in Little Rock, Ark., where
he also teaches at the William H.
Bowen School of Law. Contact
him at vicfleming@att.net. v