International School Parent Magazine - Autumn 2023

toward specific things. It is important when
a toddler is about to stick their fingers in
a socket to keep them safe, it is short, fast,
and effective. However, the word “no”
is often overused in daily situations as a
stopping word where a child is then left
to think for themselves as to what now
to do! For instance, when a child asks if
they can watch tv and is met with a simple
“no”, it becomes a blocking behaviour.
Unfortunately, the child is then likely to
persist in questioning, as they have not been
provided with redirection. This can lead
to escalation and meltdowns. Redirecting
behavior in a positive and effective
manner involves more than just saying
“no.” It requires clear communication,
understanding, and offering alternatives.
Positive framing and offering alternatives.
Instead of using a negative response like
“no,” reframe your message in a positive
light. For example, if someone is doing
something you want them to stop, you can
say, “I appreciate your enthusiasm, but let’s
try doing it this way instead.” Alternatively,
if they are met with “why don’t you go
and draw or play Legos or build your fort
instead”, they are now being directed to
alternative activities which makes it more
likely that they will give up on the TV line
of questioning.
Providing Choices. Empower children by
providing options to choose from, so they
feels more involved in the decision-making
process. This approach fosters cooperation
and engagement. For instance, you could
say, “How about you choose between option
A or B. What do you think?”
“And” not “But”
Instead of using “but”, which can negate
the preceding statement, use “and” to
add another positive aspect into the
conversation. For example, you might
say, “I like your idea, and I think we can
make it even better by...”. This is a concept
central to Dialectic Behaviour Therapy
(DBT). The term “Dialectical” means
trying to understand how two things that
seem opposite could both be true. For
example, accepting yourself and changing
your behaviour might feel contradictory.
However, DBT teaches that it’s possible for
you to achieve both these goals together.
By understanding dialectics, you start to
see that there is more than one way to
solve a problem and that two seemingly
opposite ideas can be true at the same
time. The simple summary of a dialectic
in DBT is to remember the power of
“AND”. People often try to provide positive
feedback followed by constructive criticism.
However, when we say, “you did a good
job on your homework, but you could still
do better”, that completely negates the
positive statement and the child is left with
the fact that they should do better, feeling
disappointed. On the other hand, saying
“you did a good job on your homework,
and you could still do better”, validates both
statements and leaves the child feeling more
hopeful. Look at the differences between
these examples:
• I am disappointed in you, but I still love
you > I am disappointed in you AND I still
INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL PARENT AUTUMN 2023 | 33
“The words “I love
you” actually do
not mean so much
without the look or
the touch, the hug
or the tone.”
love you.
• I understand your point, but I am allowed
to disagree with you > I understand your
point AND I am allowed to disagree with
you.
• For those who are aware of the word
“but”, they often try to replace it with
various words to make it less negative, such
as ‘however’, ‘nevertheless’, ‘conversely’,
and ‘yet’ among others. These words have
the same impact as “but” as they negate the
previous statement. Using the word “and”
will give you a positive outcome and a much
more compliant child.
I
There are a few important points to
consider here. When you find yourself