International School Parent Magazine - Autumn 2023

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2. Reframe your thoughts: • I know how easy it is to get into a negative spiral but that is not helpful and can actually make the guilt worse. Remind yourself, ‘we can never get it totally right and become the perfect parent who raises perfect kids’. After all we are just humans, and humans make mistakes. I can only do my best and that is good enough. What is done in love IS done well. I AM doing my best (if you feel you aren’t then you will benefit from the last activity). • I am not alone with these feelings: remind yourself that most parents at some stage will feel guilty and that they are not good enough. You are not alone feeling this way – it comes with the job! No one said that parenting was going to be easy. • Put things in perspective: feeling guilt doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. For example, if you are feeling guilty about living far away from family – put it in perspective and think that maybe when you DO see each other it is for a longer period of time, and you get to create a stronger connection. When my kids were growing up, we saw my parents three times a year (at Christmas, Easter and during the summer holidays) but it was often for weeks at a time. By just adding up the days they saw my kids more than their other grandchildren and that time was really special because they got to hang out for longer periods of time and really get to know them. And don’t forget, you are giving your kids an amazing opportunity to see the world, to meet new cultures, be exposed to new languages and input – how great is that? My kids often tell me that they love being ‘international’. They don’t feel Danish or Irish, but international. They get along with all cultures, are open to travel and learning new languages. I did feel guilt along the way but they turned out more than fine! • Do it your way: there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way of parenting. There is only the way that works for you, your values, your individual child and your unique family life and set-up. Right now, you are living this family life so make it work for you and get the most out of it. Be the best parent you can with what you have and where you are. 3. Remind yourself of all the great stuff that you are also responsible for: • You are doing better than you might think: yes, we are good at taking the blame for so many negative things but we need to also start taking the ‘blame’ when it comes to all the good stuff in our kids’ lives. Their successes, the great moments, the life experiences that you give them, the unconditional love and so on. I am not saying that you should take the credit for all your kids’ successes and achievements – but you can pat yourself on the back and think, ‘maybe, just maybe, I helped them in the right direction, to get there, make the right choices’ etc. • What can you be proud of as a parent? What HAVE you done well – what are you doing OK? Remind yourself of these things every day, and every time parenting guilt is about to eat you up and make you do or say the wrong thing. • Practise self-compassion and praise: every day say to yourself the things you HAVE done right. Every time you are about to beat yourself up, STOP and remind yourself of ALL the good things you are also had a hand in. 4. Can you learn and do better? Awareness of our ‘wrongdoings’: we are not perfect. Maybe we have done some things that are not OK. When these things happen, we need to apologise and think about how we can do better in the future. It’s OK to make mistakes as long as we are willing to admit them, apologise (if need be), and learn from them. What changes can you make to ease your guilt: • About your child not learning yours or your partner’s language: well, is it too late to start now? Can you start right NOW to teach them yours or your partner’s language? Or can they take language lessons? Listen to your music, watch films in your language etc. IF you feel it is too late, so be it, you did your best and we just can’t do it all and be perfect – remind yourself of all the other great things you HAVE done for them and with them. • Learning the local language: if your guilt is about understanding the local language, maybe you can start learning together; listen to the local radio, music etc. Kids learn really quickly, and it can be a fun thing to do together. When we lived in China, we had a teacher come to our house to teach us Chinese as a family. • Affluent family life: it might be that INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL PARENT AUTUMN 2023 | 48 you can afford a better lifestyle than before or those at home, but you are still the same person. Remember, we don’t HAVE to spoil our kids just because we have the means to do so. Just because we can afford a cleaner doesn’t mean that our kids shouldn’t do their bit and learn to be independent. • Long working hours, away from the family: try to work on still having a family connection when you ARE together. Have regular family get-togethers/meetings (i.e., once a week or when it suits your family life) where you talk about what everyone has done this week, what is new in people’s lives, and plan the week to come. You can create a weekly meal plan together or organise a family outing where you can all be together. Make sure you are fully present – not on your mobile phone or mentally distracted when you are together – this sends the signal ‘I DO love you’, and sometimes quality over quantity is OK.
• It’s never too late to change your parenting style: no matter how old your kids are or how far you are from being the parent you want and need to be it is never too late to start afresh. Set a long-term goal, then align your everyday behaviour. Get parenting support, read parenting books and tips and so on. I was working with a parent who had two teenage children and there was a lot that he was not proud of with his way of parenting so far – but we worked on this together and created a realistic, positive new plan for them. 5. Talk to someone: talking really helps. Either with a friend or a professional. Don’t keep the way you feel inside. It might be that you are ashamed to tell others how you feel but remember they most likely will have experienced some level of guilt as well. When we talk to others about how we feel we automatically start analysing it and sorting it out. Sometimes all it takes is to hear yourself say it out loud and you can hear that you are a good enough parent, that others feel the same or get clear on what you need to do about the guilt. ABOUT ME I’ve supported parents for over 18 years, working closely with schools, companies and family solicitors. So, I can say with absolute confidence, that the Parenting Community and my parenting coaching is based on a depth of experience and study, plus a huge passion for supporting parents. I am Danish, married to an Irish man and together we have 3 children (age 21, 23 and 25). We have lived in 4 countries and travelled all over the world. With years of experience supporting parents, my educational background and having raised 3 very different children I feel capable of supporting all family setups and challenges. I have a deep passion for nature, history, creativity, travelling and my family. All the best, Mette www.mettetheilmann.com By managing parenting guilt, you can start to enjoy the life your family is living right now and get the most out of it. You can be kind to yourself and forgive yourself when needed and learn to be the parent that your children need, right now. INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL PARENT AUTUMN 2023 | 49
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International School Parent Magazine - Autumn 2023

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