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<strong>The</strong> <strong>Parish</strong> <strong>Magazine</strong> -<strong>April</strong> <strong>2024</strong> 5 <strong>The</strong> vicar's letter Dear Friends, I recently had cause to search through the new part of the churchyard and it was somewhat sobering to see so many inscribed names of parishioners who I have known. It of course comes with the territory, especially when one serves for 15 years in a parish, but it nonetheless prompts reflection on the temporary nature of our existence. Our most recent burial was of Sir Oscar De Ville, a charming and kind gentleman who I believe was our last remaining WWII veteran. He served on the Arctic convoys on HMS Belfast, protected the invasion fleet on D-Day and then commanded his own vessel in the Far East at the tender age of 21. <strong>The</strong>re is a real sense of sadness as that remarkable generation take their leave of us. A close friend recently died, suddenly at the age of 58, and I had forgotten how painfully sharp bereavement can be, especially when it comes completely out of the blue. <strong>The</strong> only other time I have experienced such an early personal bereavement was the sudden death of my mother on her 49th birthday, and thankfully, life experience and lessons learnt through my ministry, have equipped me to better navigate it this time. My response as a 20-year-old was to go back to university and do everything I could do keep the dark clouds at bay, thus not properly grieving and storing up all sorts of problems for the future. I have observed many take this approach over the years; sometimes they’re mature and otherwise well-rounded individuals, who nonetheless can’t bring themselves to engage with the vital and natural process of grieving. RESPONSIBLE COURSE OF ACTION It has been said that a funeral is not for the deceased but for those who remain, and, in many ways, I agree with that. A recent and, to my mind, worrying trend has been for funeral directors to offer ‘direct cremations’. At a fraction of the cost of a regular funeral, the deceased is collected, taken straight to the crematorium and that’s it. No ceremony or involvement for the family and no opportunity to take part in the timeless process of saying farewell, observed by all cultures and faiths. I recently encountered a family who were frankly in despair as their much-loved relative had arranged for one of these cremations, simply to save them the effort and upset, but that seemingly selfless decision created deep distress for those left behind. I would urge very serious thought before deciding upon this cut-price approach, especially if you will be leaving loved ones behind. In facing one’s own death, I believe we can greatly help those we shall leave behind by writing clear instructions. This can be done as part of writing a will, or more informally, leaving a note behind for our next of kin or executor. I am sometimes invited to meet with a parishioner, and we plan it together and then I keep a note of what is desired. I have witnessed too many sad situations become needlessly stressful because siblings can’t agree on burial or cremation, or which hymn or music to have, or even who not to invite! If there are preexisting family tensions these can often come to a head at such times and surely it is better to try and avoid this? I know many people struggle to face up to their inevitable departure from this world, sometimes even when it is clearly imminent, but to do so is surely the responsible course of action. If any feel this is all too morbid, I suppose I come at the subject from a different angle, in that I see death as simply a normal part of life; this is most probably because of my vocation. However, I believe it is more visceral than that. As a Christian, why should I fear death? I might fear the process of dying, especially for a loved one, but what lies beyond the grave, for all who accept Jesus as Lord of their lives, is something to be looked forward to. CS Lewis described heaven in memorable terms: 'To every soul, God will look like its first love because he is its first love. Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it — made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.' With warm good wishes, Jamie
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