The Parish Magazine April 2024

The Parish Magazine -April 2024 5
The vicar's letter
Dear Friends,
I recently had cause to search through the new part of the churchyard and it was
somewhat sobering to see so many inscribed names of parishioners who I have
known. It of course comes with the territory, especially when one serves for 15
years in a parish, but it nonetheless prompts reflection on the temporary nature
of our existence. Our most recent burial was of Sir Oscar De Ville, a charming
and kind gentleman who I believe was our last remaining WWII veteran. He
served on the Arctic convoys on HMS Belfast, protected the invasion fleet on
D-Day and then commanded his own vessel in the Far East at the tender age
of 21. There is a real sense of sadness as that remarkable generation take their
leave of us.
A close friend recently died, suddenly at the age of 58, and I had forgotten
how painfully sharp bereavement can be, especially when it comes completely
out of the blue. The only other time I have experienced such an early personal
bereavement was the sudden death of my mother on her 49th birthday, and
thankfully, life experience and lessons learnt through my ministry, have
equipped me to better navigate it this time. My response as a 20-year-old was to
go back to university and do everything I could do keep the dark clouds at bay,
thus not properly grieving and storing up all sorts of problems for the future.
I have observed many take this approach over the years; sometimes they’re
mature and otherwise well-rounded individuals, who nonetheless can’t bring
themselves to engage with the vital and natural process of grieving.
RESPONSIBLE COURSE OF ACTION
It has been said that a funeral is not for the deceased but for those who
remain, and, in many ways, I agree with that. A recent and, to my mind,
worrying trend has been for funeral directors to offer ‘direct cremations’. At a
fraction of the cost of a regular funeral, the deceased is collected, taken straight
to the crematorium and that’s it. No ceremony or involvement for the family and
no opportunity to take part in the timeless process of saying farewell, observed
by all cultures and faiths. I recently encountered a family who were frankly in
despair as their much-loved relative had arranged for one of these cremations,
simply to save them the effort and upset, but that seemingly selfless decision
created deep distress for those left behind. I would urge very serious thought
before deciding upon this cut-price approach, especially if you will be leaving
loved ones behind.
In facing one’s own death, I believe we can greatly help those we shall leave
behind by writing clear instructions. This can be done as part of writing a will,
or more informally, leaving a note behind for our next of kin or executor. I am
sometimes invited to meet with a parishioner, and we plan it together and then I
keep a note of what is desired. I have witnessed too many sad situations become
needlessly stressful because siblings can’t agree on burial or cremation, or which
hymn or music to have, or even who not to invite! If there are preexisting family
tensions these can often come to a head at such times and surely it is better to
try and avoid this? I know many people struggle to face up to their inevitable
departure from this world, sometimes even when it is clearly imminent, but to
do so is surely the responsible course of action.
If any feel this is all too morbid, I suppose I come at the subject from a
different angle, in that I see death as simply a normal part of life; this is most
probably because of my vocation. However, I believe it is more visceral than
that. As a Christian, why should I fear death? I might fear the process of dying,
especially for a loved one, but what lies beyond the grave, for all who accept Jesus
as Lord of their lives, is something to be looked forward to. CS Lewis described
heaven in memorable terms:
'To every soul, God will look like its first love because he is its first love. Your place
in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it —
made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.'
With warm good wishes,
Jamie