inspiring, classy, timeless - Pouf! Magazine

W
e come to your birthday
party, your wedding,
or even your funeral
and we are rarely,
if ever, impressed.
It’s not because of the waste of money
- we have none; it’s not because of
the florist you used because, frankly,
we didn’t notice the flowers, and it’s
not because you had foie gras with
pear chutney on the menu, because
we stashed our own collection of
canapés behind the bar (that’s what
we are doing when we are checking
things under the bar) and we like
them.
It’s because of the drinks you want
served. We don’t think that they are
any good. This could apply to you doing
a barbecue party for friends or
it could be the wedding of a Saudi
prince to a Russian oil baroness, but
no matter who you are, you will have
fallen into one of
two traps.
You wanted
standard drinks?
You are boring.
You wanted fabulous
cocktails
that no one has
ever had before?
You are an idiot.
I have worked at every kind of posh
party, from Bar mitzvah’s for Billionaires
to orgies for art collectors
and yet I still feel like I haven’t been
impressed. The best drinks that I
have ever made, for anyone, have
been mine.
I used the Prince’s ingredients sure,
but I didn’t follow his recipe. For example,
I work with a polish guy who
makes the best Moscow Mule you
will ever try, he puts his own twist on
it with a bit of fresh ginger and lime
juice, I also work with an ex actor
who nails vodka martinis that would
make Daniel Craig ad lib “that’s a
damn good martini” but not once
have I seen either of these drinks
reach the other side of the bar.
Aside from the cocktails?
OK champagne can be alright for a
party but really it’s just bubbly wine,
and wine when you actually think
about it is a bit like sweet vinegar,
and I’m talking good wines, not your
average stuff. Everyone wants to
save money on beer (because it’s
beer) so you end up serving some
cheap brand which you wouldn’t
even bother steeling (we are all
master thieves), and for a soft drink
people seem to only have the imagination
to combine a couple of fruit
juices and give it a silly name.
Sometimes I wish I was a chef.
Chefs and cocktail barman have had
a symbiotic relationship for many
“I have worked at every kind of posh
party, from Bar mitzvah’s for Billionaires
to orgies for art collectors and yet I still
feel like I haven’t been impressed.”
decades now. They give you quail
you give them gin. It works.
But I’m jealous of the chefs I know.
My favourite chef is a very arrogant
short man from Newcastle who consistently
talks at a volume of eleven
out of ten. No one likes the guy on a
personal level and I’m no exception,
but I can forgive him, because of his
food. He is obsessed with sourcing
the best food, and has not been shy
of slapping extra zeros on the bill to
make sure he’s serving the best. And
it is, it really is, textures, tastes, the
presentation is fantastic, he expresses
himself through his food, and out
of this angry short little man comes
the most exquisite bites that your
mouth will ever savour.
And with the current trend being to
source food locally, it can often mean
lengthy and costly research projects
into finding out who can hang my
Jersey beef and transport it to the
National Gallery in London for the
Minister of Jersey, who can ship my
Cray fish from Norway to the Swedish
embassy in London while keeping
them alive. But people will pay for
this because they know that quality
food is worth paying top dollar for,
and if an expert, like that chef, says
it should be a certain way, that’s the
way it’s going to be.
But on the bar it’s a different story.
Everyone thinks they know best
when it comes to alcohol, the reason
being, they drink alcohol. Well, I eat
food but I still haven’t really mastered
scrambling eggs. Everyone is
a wine expert,
especially if they
once splashed
out a grand on
a Chablis or if
they were given
a Pinot Noir by
someone who
really is into his
wine.
But being rich doesn’t give you taste.
They think that because they love
lychees for breakfast then a lychee
martini would be a hit. Well they are
wrong. And I am bitter.
I don’t like serving rubbish to people,
I like serving the best, because
I can do it. I’m doing the line cook’s
job while the guest is wearing head
chef’s hat. Let me be creative, let me
do my job, I’m not going to go crazy
and start making a cumquat mojito,
I’m just going to give you good honest
booze well mixed and served in
the right glass, with the right garnish.
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