May-June 2011 - The Journey

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can’t remember a time in the first 40 years of my life, when I wasn’t searching for something. I didn’t know what I was looking for, however; what I did know was Ispace that something was missing. I tried to fill that empty with religion, food, sports, busy-ness, relationships, shopping, sex, hobbies and entertainment. Eventually, I realized that nothing was satisfying that deep hunger I was carrying within my soul. One day, in the middle of running to and fro, I experienced an overwhelming quietness within. At the same time I felt something inside of me whispering, “Stop searching outside of yourself. I’m within you.” I wasn’t sure what that meant, because when this happened I still had the religious belief that God was somewhere up there or out there, so obviously it wasn’t God speaking to me. If not God, then what could possibly be in me that I was searching so hard for? I was confused, and having no answers all I could do was to continue living like it was a matter of life and death for me to find what was missing. So I kept on trying everything I could to fill myself. No matter what I did though, I still had that gaping hole in the middle of my being. I don’t remember a specific time or place, or any special incident that happened that brought me face to face with my answer. Somehow though, it slowly began to dawn on me that I was looking for myself. I started realizing, that in the course of growing up I had been left behind, and had been replaced with a girl who learned how to be who she wasn’t. I somehow knew that being what others wanted me to be would grant me acceptance and approval. I had taken on the persona of a do-gooder who wore herself out trying to be OK. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, how to say no, who I wanted or what I wanted. I felt like a mechanical person who lived on auto-pilot. Up until then, it had never dawned on me to question my unhappiness or my lack of peace and contentment, nor did I know what a “false self” vs. an “authentic self” meant. I just thought it was my lot in life to be miserable, depressed, angry and unhappy. As I began to see how my true self was trapped inside, my search took on new meaning. I now had a vision of what I was looking for and a passion for uncovering what had been buried and locked away. I longed to go back and recapture the child within me, who had been wounded and stifled and who found it necessary to go underground Pa g e 20 The Search For Myself By Brenda Marroy Ma y • Ju n e 2011 in order to survive. Who was I and what had I given up that needed to be unearthed and reclaimed? I was fortunate to meet an excellent therapist who had already done her own excavation, therefore having the ability to help me unearth my authentic self. Week by week I met with her and we slowly began to dig into my childhood. The messages I received from family and acquaintances were, “Just accept life as it is and be thankful,” and “The past is over and done, just move on.” These words sounded good, but what my naysayers didn’t realize was that my past kept showing up in my present. I don’t remember a specific time or place, or any special incident that happened that brought me face to face with my answer. Somehow though, it slowly began to dawn on me that I was looking for myself. My wounded child was present in my depression, anxiety, fear, inability to say no, broken relationships, sadness, and my poor decision making skills. Because I was emotionally and physically abandoned as a child, I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship. In fact, I didn’t have relationships, I took hostages. I was so afraid of being left again that I had to have control over everything, including the other person. What I was unable to see was that the tighter I held on, the more I lost. The first hidden parts of me to be unearthed were my positive and powerful attributes. I saw how much courage it took for me to survive. I could have given up at any time, but I kept hammering away and knocking at the door until someone opened. I also was able to dig up, dust off, and see clearly my loving, nurturing and kind nature. I’d lost touch with that part of myself in my quest for love and acceptance. I saw my intelligence and my quickness to learn, and my openness to change. As I blossomed and grew, I began to like myself and know that I deserved to be loved for who I was. T h e Jo u r n e y
Continuing on this journey over the years has brought me into the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Seeing the “good” parts of me was enlightening and energizing and I embraced all of my new born self. Eventually, as I became more solid in my self-worth, the next phase of my uncovering started. After ascending to the highest highs, spirit began to take me to the depths of myself so I could meet my unacceptable villagers. These were the parts of me that I didn’t like, but that I needed to see because they were alive and well inside of me. I felt like a mechanical person who lived on auto-pilot. Up until then, it had never dawned on me to question my unhappiness or my lack of peace and contentment…I just thought it was my lot in life to be miserable, depressed, angry and unhappy. Some of those villagers were: self-righteousness, fear, shame, resentment, anxiety and sadness. These were the parts that I denied and refused to look at or call by name. I wanted to be spiritual and I thought I couldn’t Featuring: Reflexology Relaxing and Therapeutic Massage Tai Massage Reiki Quantum Touch Tarot Readings Drum Circles, Sampler Night, Yoga T h e Jo u r n e y See our website for a schedule of our classes www.theconciousnest.net Check out our Facebook Page if I acknowledged that these traits lived within me. But, my need to be authentic and whole trumped my fear of not looking good. I called upon my courage to assist me in being brave enough to let these hidden traits up, look them in the face, acknowledge them and give them a name. I call this part of my healing, Making Peace With My Villagers. After working with my therapist for over a year, she set me free to continue my journey. I got involved in Healing the Child Within work; I was introduced to and began a relationship with goddess energy; and I followed the work of John Bradshaw, Gerald Jampolsky, and Louise Hay. I also began attending healing workshops and circles where I met a few women who were on the same path, and we developed supportive, nurturing relationships with each other. I obviously chose the life I did because I came to the planet to heal. My search has been both long and satisfactory. I know that the journey to find and live my authentic self is nowhere near being finished. In fact, I believe I’ll be on this path until the moment I leave the planet. I’m still searching and still hungry for truth and reality. The difference though, is that I know what I’m looking for and I know the path to get there. Brenda Marroy is a freelance writer and a facilitator of women’s healing circles. She can be reached at: blmarroy@yahoo.com or http://brendamarroyauthor. wordpress.com. YOUR MASSAGE THERAPY CAREER BEGINS HERE Now Approved for Veterans Education Under the GI Bill Specializing in Massage Therapy You are invited to your Massage Therapy Discovery Experience March 10 or 22, 2011 - 6:30 PM - 8:30 PM Why be an adequate massage therapist when you can be an exceptional one? Yes! You can enter this rewarding profession as a Licensed Massage Therapist. We have what you are looking for . . . ❏ ✓ Flexible Schedules ❏ ✓ Affordable Tuition ❏ ✓ Convenient Location ❏ ✓ Professional Faculty ❏ ✓ Book & Supply Store ❏ ✓ Student Intern Clinic ❏ ✓ Professional Clinic ❏ ✓ Continuing Education 3600 Laketon Road 1.800.860.1114 informationrequest@pghschmass.com www.pghschmass.com Ma y • Ju n e 2011 Pa g e 21
Page 1 and 2: Issue 58 | May.June 2011 HEALTH & W
Page 3 and 4: Th e Jo u r n e y Ma y • Ju n e 2
Page 5 and 6: T h e Jo u r n e y The Front Porch
Page 7 and 8: Fellowships of the Spirit Since 198
Page 9 and 10: Six basic things to know about how
Page 11 and 12: PITTSBURGH T h e Jo u r n e y profe
Page 13 and 14: on the good things about the job; t
Page 15 and 16: A year later Costa Rica was majesti
Page 17 and 18: 4 Techniques for a Fruitful Search
Page 19: visit us online... www.thejourneyma
Page 23 and 24: Discovering Your Soul: An Ongoing S
Page 25 and 26: 34510 Lakeshore Blvd. Eastlake, Ohi
Page 27 and 28: Their biggest impact spanned about
Page 29 and 30: Andrew Harvey was one of the early
Page 31 and 32: The Search for Spirituality grew up
Page 33 and 34: The Meaning of Dreams The dream I h
Page 35 and 36: Sagittarius May - If you want to sh
Page 37 and 38: Such balance is the dynamic tension
Page 39 and 40: Let us help you or your loved one f
Page 41 and 42: T h e Jo u r n e y It is time to tr
Page 43 and 44: T h e Jo u r n e y Discover Lily Da

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