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etween a man and a woman is possible, and that there
exists a well-functioning adult world that the a child does
not have to take responsibility for. Generational boundaries
are maintained and the child can develop on its own
terms. Many of the clients taking part in the RFSU-clinic
project have instead grown up in complicated and intense
relationship to one parent who has been either invasive
and demanding or far too inaccessible.
The traumatic experiences of the women in the project
were more evident than those of the men. Many described
clear experiences of physical, psychological or sexual
abuse. This trauma may have been caused by parents
who, because of their own circumstances or difficulties,
consciously or unconsciously abdicated from their parental
roles and abandoned the child. The child may, for different
reasons, have not been allowed to exist in its own right.
Perhaps a parent used the child as an extension of his/her
self, instead of seeing the child as a separate individual
with own needs and feelings. As such the child became
used for the parent’s own desire and satisfaction.
The men have often related a disharmonious upbringing
characterised by conflicts between their parents and
early experiences of being neglected and abandoned. Many
of them also described a very complicated relationships
with their mothers, relationships characterised by high
demands and lack of freedom. They have had a hard time
expressing dissatisfaction, or anger and instead developed
a tendency of trying to please everyone, as if this would
be the only possibility to preserving relationships. The
dominant feeling while growing up seems to have been
abandonment and being left to comfort themselves. Both
groups seemed to lack experience of an early relationship
built on mutual respect for the one another’s inherent
individuality. If anything, their early relationships appeared
to have been characterised by what might be
termed non-meetings.
Sex as an attempt to solve an inner
dilemma
Sexuality is a basic driving force with roots deep in our
biology. In its broadest sense, it is directed towards another
person and seeks union with that person. In contrast to
sexuality stands another driving force - aggression. Rather
than seeking union or affiliation, aggression separates us
from others and helps us to preserve ourselves individually.
A “healthy” aggressiveness is necessary in order to
set boundaries and guard our most necessary needs. As
individuals we must find a balance between these two
forces. On the one hand, we are faced with the need for
union with another person, and on the other hand, the
need to maintain a separate existence. This constitutes
the dynamic hub of all relationships. Some may balance
these forces well. The scales may seriously sway sometimes,
but on the whole both close relationships and a sense of
individuality can be maintained.
For others, such as the men and women who buy and
sell sex, such balance is difficult to achieve. Against a background
of early relational deficits they move between extremes.
They appear to have an intense need to be united,
so intense that union becomes a “melting together” and
becoming one with the other person. Since total union
also means annihilation of the individual, an intense fear
of union also grows. Such a fear can lead towards a sense
of loneliness filled with anxiety and characterised by total
isolation. Both extremes become equally untenable. The
endless nuances and degrees of closeness that should be
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