The Pinko - The Peak

10 Monday, November 26, 2001
sports
The Pinko
Contact curling off to a rocky start
Rocky Jardine-Rolex
The Pinko
In a move that has dumbfounded
many and excited a few,
curling has been
declared a full contact
sport, said a
spokesperson for
the Canadian Curling
Association this
week. The new
rules will be featured
in the now renamed
Tournament
of Bleeding
Hearts.
“We feel interest in the sport is
waning of late,” said CCA
CURLING
Things got out of hand by the fifth end however.
spokesperson Mathew Taylor-
Robinson. “So we figured we
would spruce it up a bit, eh, add
some shoulder checking, openice
collisions and whatnot. You
know, to make it a bit
more viewer friendly
there, eh.”
The Association
has formulated
rules that will now
allow for checking,
regulated interference,
icing and
fighting. However,
illegal broomwork,
like spearing and slashing,
boarding and other such tomfoolery
will not be tolerated.
“
We feel interest in the
sport is waning of late so
we figured we would
spruce up a bit, eh, add
some... checking...”
Matthew Taylor-Robinson
Canadian Curling Association
“We don’t want this to dissolve
into anything dangerous,” said
Taylor-Robinson. “We only hope
to add a new element to the
game.”
Reaction to the changes has
been mixed. Burnaby Winter
Club curler Wayne Sutter expressed
confusion over the need
for any rule changes. “The game
is fun to play as it is, eh,” said
Sutter, sipping on a Tim Horton’s
coffee. “Adding these new
regulations just messes up the
works. It’s like what Grandpa
used to say, ‘if the Chevy’s making
it up the hill, then sparkplugs
are gapped alright.’ What
next, no beer at the concession
stands?”
Taylor-Robinson hoped the
changes would spark interest
among potential young curlers.
Participation rates had been
falling since their peak in the
mid-‘90s, when the Tournament
of Hearts began broadcasting
on TSN. “We want to bring the
Lord Bag O’Balls / The Pinko
Early in the match it was all about the GTs, as Ogie Oglethorpe sets up the rocks.
sport’s popularity back to the
glory days of yesteryear,” said a
nostalgic Taylor-Robinson.
“Back to the days of ‘Screaming’
Ron Howard and those other
fellas.”
A demonstration match was
played for the media last week.
Now clothed in protective gear,
the players started the game off
as usual. Not until the fifth end
did the rules have any effect. In
the middle of casting a stone, a
skip was viciously hip-checked.
Although ruled a clean hit, the
attitude of the players took a
turn for the worse as collision
after collision marked the rest of
the match.
As the game went into extra
ends, the tackling began to yield
injuries. The game ended with a
last standing skip double knockout
leaving a single stone in the
house.
“Boy howdy!” exclaimed a
breathless fan, “Sure is fun to
watch, eh?”
SFU’s b-ball coach stylin’ and profilin’
Coach Clark back in the glory days
Smokey McPot
The Pinko
Some things are just meant to be.
It was announced yesterday that
after many years in
contention, SFU men’s
basketball coach Scott
Clark finally made it to the top of
Mr. Blackwell’s list of worst
dressed people.
Fashion critics from around the
globe agreed that this really was
Clark’s year.
“He brought it to another level
this year,” said Phony McStyle,
fashion editor at People Magazine.
“The frequency of mismatched
collared shirts, rather than the
more appropriate shirt-and-tie
look that every other coach employs,
really did it for him.”
The victory promises increased
exposure for the university, the
basketball program, and more importantly
coach Clark himself.
It has been said of the man that
he is so tough that he doesn’t know
the meaning of the word fear. Unfortunately
this isn’t the only word
he doesn’t know the meaning of. It
is however, the only four letter
word he doesn’t understand.
The award is all
the sweeter for Clark given the
fact that it has been seven years in
the making.
“I’ve been shunning any sense
of style since the day I was hired,”
proclaimed an ecstatic Clark. “I’m
just glad that Mr. Blackwell noticed
how hard I’ve been competing
to get the job done. Because I
said to myself, this year either you
get the job done or you don’t, it’s
that simple. No more alibis.”
When asked how he came upon
his unusual style coach Clark
replied:“I’m kind of like Batman.
No super powers, but able to do
many things at once. With my collared
shirt and tight pants, I can
do whatever I want. I can walk
STYLE
and chew gum at the same time, I
can coach a game, and when I get
home, I can mow the lawn. All
without changing.”
Labelling coaches who wear
suits dupes, Clark finished his
press conference with a strongly
worded jab at those who have
fashion sense.
“They think they’re so great because
they look good. Well I see
the shirt and tie as purely a fad of
the last two hundred years. Besides,
can other coaches pretend
to be Batman like I do while wearing
their suits? I think not.”
With his award in tow, coach
Clark plans to finish the season before
heading off on a world wide
victory tour. Tour stops include
Timbuktoo, Burma, and Spuzzum.
As for next year, Clark says, “I’m
not going to worry about it. I’m
just enjoying this one. Everybody
always told me that I wouldn’t
amount to anything, so this is pie
in their eye.”
Sports Editor Lord Bag O’Balls • Telephone 291-3597 • E-mail sports@mail.pinko.sfu.ca