The Pinko - The Peak

4 The Pinko • November 26, 2001
news
Liberals to criminalise poverty
Terri Cloth
Nudes Editor
In a move that shocked some, but
came as little surprise to others,
the B.C. Liberal government
announced
last week its intention
to criminalise poverty.
Citing Vancouver’s unsightly
Downtown Eastside and irritating
protests as examples, the Liberals
say they believe that criminalisation
is the best way to deal with
B.C.’s poor, who are “frankly, starting
to become a bit too much of a
pain in the butt,” according to
B.C. Premier Gordon Campbell.
The new legislation is the product
of an hour and half of consultation
between the Ministry of Finance
and the Ministry of Community,
Aboriginal and Women’s
Services (a.k.a. Ministry of Things
We Would Like to Just Go Away).
Anti-poverty activists are outraged
by the new legislation and
have been raising alarm bells, but
as usual no one is listening. “This
is ridiculous,” said Ruth Snyder
from End Legislated Poverty.
FUCTITUDE
“We’ve always known they don’t
give a shit about the poor, but this
is just going too far.”
When questioned about the
ethical implications of the bill,
Campbell responded
that he is unconcerned,
saying “this
legislation is doubleplusgood.”
The controversial bill easily
passed at the final vote, of course,
“
We’re here for a good
time, not a long time, so
have a good time, the sun
can’t shine every day.”
Trooper
despite the yelling and throwing
of things by opposition NDP
MLAs Joy MacPhail and Jenny
Kwan.
There were a few tense moments
during the debate, one of
which occurred when education
minister Christy Clark asked “but
if we do this, who will serve us at
the McDonald’s drive-thru?”
Her fears were allayed by a colleague
who assured her there are
more than enough teenagers
available to serve Big Macs for six
dollars an hour, adding, “well really,
who cares about the poor
anyway? They’re just lazy.”
The plan to imprison poor people
is strategic and will have many
immediate benefits, the Liberals
say. “The private prison industry
is booming in the U.S. and we’d
like to get some of that action,”
said Campbell. “With the poor off
the street we won’t have to put up
with their whining, and it will also
be good for business in this
province.”
“This is even better than the
first-job rate,” he said. “We can get
them working from prison — telemarketing,
selling travel tickets,
all kinds of stuff — and we don’t
have to pay them anything!”
Locke Emup, a spokesperson for
Sodexho Marriot, wholeheartedly
endorses the Liberals’ new plan.
“I’m happy to see B.C. following
the U.S. lead on this one — criminalising
poverty is a very sound
SFU’s Gandhi goes bust
Dick Weed
The Pinko
SFU’s best kept secret, a life-like
bust of famed peace-maker Mahatma
Gandhi, is due to be overhauled
this spring semester. According
to a recent presidential
decision, backed unanimously by
Senate, the bust will now officially
be a statue of Ben Kingsley as
Gandhi. As many of you may
know, Kingsley portrayed the legendary
leader of the Indian National
Congress in Richard Attenborough’s
Oscar-winning Gandhi.
The decision was made last
week after SFU President Michael
Stevenson saw Kingsley’s latest
film, Sexy Beast.
“It was awesome,” gushed
Stevenson, “It’s this gritty British
drama that’s so neat and weird.
Ben Kingsley’s bald in it but he really
looks just so neat and awesome.
It was so cool.”
Many have expressed dismay at
what has been described by some
as the “dissing” of a great historical
figure. President Stevenson
shows no remorse.
“Oh, whatever.
Gandhi, Gandhi,
Gandhi! Is that all you people can
think about? So some Indian
communist who made salt won’t
have a bust at SFU. Are you trying
to scare away business? Everybody
always makes such a big
deal about him. Have you even
seen Sexy Beast? It rules!”
Stevenson suggests that people
rent the film, and then visit independent
India.
“You tell me which you enjoy
more. Sexy Beast rules!”
Ben rules!
GANDHI!
Ben Kingsley was unavailable
for an interview with Pinko staff.
Instead, this reporter
spoke with deceased
Puerto Rican standup
comedian Freddy Prinze Sr.
about the honour.
“It’s about time somebody acknowledged
the hard work that
Ben has done. I think having a
bust of himself portraying Gandhi
at some obscure school in Canada
is just what the old guy would
have wanted.”
Stevenson has promised that
the revamping of the
Gandhi/Kingsley bust is just the
first in a series of honours for the
“
Xena Warrior Princess / The Pinko
Oh, whatever. Gandhi,
Gandhi, Gandhi! Is that
all you people can think
about?”
Micheal Stevenson,
SFU president
wonderful British actor.
“Oh, man, we’ve got tons of shit
lined up. We’re going to rename
the rotunda The ‘Ben Dome,’ and
the football team will now be
called the ‘SFU Sexy Beasts.’ Woo!
Go Beasts!”
Are there no prisons, are there no workhouses?
Xena Warrior Princess / The Pinko
business move. We’re hoping to
have 25 new prisons built by the
end of this fiscal year.”
Snyder, however, feels the move
came out of left field and should
be stopped. “There is no mention
of this in the New Era Document,
what do they think they’re doing?
— they absolutely do not have a
mandate for this.”
Campbell disagreed with Snyder,
“It is in there! It’s just in Russian
pig Latin and printed with invisible
ink,” he said gesturing toward
a copy of the document
under a black light.
The Canadian Federation of
Students (CFS) plans to launch a
“Putting Poor People In Jail Just
Because They Are Poor Sucks”
campaign sometime in the near
future.
Scholars find evidence
of early socialists
Ida Know
The Pinko
Archaeologists have discovered
the remains of what appear to be
the earliest known
socialists in the Pita
caves of southern
Spain. Drs. Nesbitt Longfellow
and Mikhail Albot, of the University
of Toronto, presented their
startling findings at the Conference
of Really Cool Stuff last
weekend. They concluded that
the Pita were an ideologically
egalitarian and basically socialist
society.
An extremely pleased Ben Foyer,
president of the Socialists of
Canada Association, gave a press
conference upon hearing the news,
saying, “I’ve always suspected the
key principles of socialism were always
there; they just weren’t crystallised
into an intellectual political
format until recently in human history.
So essentially we all come
from a long line of socialist and
communist ancestors. It’s something
I’m very proud of.”
Joe Blow of Capitalists United
Ltd. had only this to say about the
whole shebang: “Bah! Humbug!”
The Pita lived in groups of 10 or
more families per cave. Clothing
and stone tools were plain and
simple with no apparent differences
between individuals. Cave
paintings indicate that the Pita
shunned technological advancements
that threatened the toolmakers
union and rendered workers
obsolete. One
drawing depicts a
toolmaker being
banished from the caves, holding
what appears to be a Stone
Hatchet 20,000. Upon analysis, it
was determined this tool would
have increased efficiency, allowing
one person to do the work of
two — increasing cave unemployment
by 40 per cent.
But what really astonished the
conference attendants was that
these cave-sharing people managed
to get along just fine without
money of any kind. Dr. Longfellow
says that he will explore this
interesting concept further.
In response to capitalist disagreement
with the findings,
Foyer commented, “I thumb my
nose in your general direction.
There is no doubt in the mind of
the intelligent — but modest —
proletariat worker that the concept
of respectful egalitarian and
socialist organisation was around
well before capitalism reared its
grubby little head. In other words,
we’re better than you! HA!”
A retort from Joe Blow was not
available at press time.
DIGGIN’
Space-filling black bar