The Pinko - The Peak

opinions
Pun goes too far?
Ed Zachary
Special to The Pinko
Hey, what’s with all this Regality TVbashing
in the Pinko lately? Fuck you!
Hi, I’m Ed Zachary, lowly SFU student
and recovering gambling addict.
I’m here to say “Hey — what’s
up?” with all this Regality TV bashing
in the Pinko. Personally, I love
Regality television — the combination
of TV with the state of being or
resembling a king or queen is ingenious,
and we owe many of our
favourite shows to it!
Where would we be without such
brilliant TV innovations as Livin’ Single
(starring Queen Latifah), the King
of Queens, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,
Don King Pay-per-View specials,
King of the Hill, and the WWF’s Battles
Royale and Royal Rumbles? Royalty
and television belong together,
and Regality TV is the ultimate crystallisation
of that.
The most important Canadian
foray into television ever was a Regality
TV show: Al Waxman’s brilliant
and provocative King of Kensington.
Where else could the CBC combine
black Caribbean, Italian and Irish
cultural stereotypes to create a masterful
ballet of racial hilarity? Think
Regality television stinks? I think
you’re a syphilitic, gym-teaching ape!
And fuck you!
If it weren’t for the Regality TV phenomenon,
the King of Floors and his
Speak Out
Policies
Hey — leave
me outta this
Dear Pinko,
I don’t know how you got
the idea that I wanted you
guys to help me get the J.S.
Woodsworth Chair of Humanities.
Thanks but no
thanks, dipshits!
It doesn’t help me out at
all to be associated with a
faggoty commie rag like
yours. Besides, all these
Palestinians keep calling
my house and wishing me
good luck.
What the fuck!?! How did
these guys get my number?
Leave me alone!
Now whenever I go over
to Noam Chomsky’s house
to smoke pot with him and
Ralph Nader, and maybe
check my e-mail, they always
tease me like, “Hey,
Pinko! Been advocated for
by any cheesy student
newspapers lately? Ha!”
Sometimes Noam can be
such a bully, and Ralph just
goes along with whatever
he does.
In the future, before doing
anything on my behalf,
please remember to fuck
off. Thanks for nothing, assholes.
I want my life back!
David Noble
loyal companion Sir Scruffy would
not be able to bring our community
cheap, clean, pet-safe floors. Do you
hate floors, too, anti-Regality activists?
Then I have just the channel
for you: Fuckyouvision! It’s on channel
Fuck you!
When Princess Diana died (you
know, with that Arab guy from the Eminem
video, Dido) I thought I’d seen
the last of fast-paced, romantic royal
drama on the airwaves. Thank God I
was wrong. When I saw the Queen
Mum rockin’ it on Soul Train — busted
103-year-old pelvis and all — my fears
were put to rest.
Regality has often reinvigorated great
shows that were dying. For those of you
who care to know, Suddenly Susan was
about to be cancelled — robbing us all
of Brooke Shields’ comic gifts — until
the recent addition to the cast of Archduke
Fresca Torsçèautiçeau of royal
Balkan stock. On the show, the Romanian
Archduke plays a wacky gay office
assistant, known widely for his hilarious
catchphrase, “Hey, my pudding
may be lumpy, but at least my herpes
are gone!” Ha! Fuck you!
Giving “the people” the “right” to
watch kings and queens on television
might make Regality TV the most
“democratic” medium ever invented! I
love it! And if you love it, I love you! But
if you don’t, I’ve got a different sentence;
it starts with an “f” and ends
with an “uck you!”
In conclusion, here is a list of facts
bearing some or no relevance to this
discussion:
• Two-thirds of all children have
never tasted Chilean jelly
• My doctor has given me seven
years to live
• The King of England has been
dead for years, but his spirit lives on
in Webster’s Emmanuel Lewis
• Herbie Hancock killed Miles Davis
with a tambourine
• Egon from Ghostbusters was
based on an actual Vietnam veteran
that Rick Moranis kissed in Saigon
• Prince’s “Raspberry Beret” is the
most successful song written about a
hat since 1926, when ‘Wobbly’ Lou
Johnson wrote “My baby’s hat fell
twice” about his Aunt
• My knees hurt
• Seven out of 10 people are in the
majority
• According to the biography written
by City Slickers star Jack Palance,
ER’s Noah Wyle “marches to the beat
of a different drummer”
The above is the opinion of the author and may not represent the views of the Pinko Collective. In fact, we don’t even like this guy.
One time, last summer, this guy was at this party that all of us were at. He’s all drunk and shit and he’s all “Your fuckin’ paper
sucks!” So me and Ben, we followed him out to his car and curbed him. Nobody messes with The Pinko! Nobody!
Politics are
so gross
Dear The Pinko,
You guys are printing too
much political stuff.
Left wing, right wing —
my head is spinning off and
is going to explode! Oh no!
Hey, remember when you
printed a human male
penis? That was funny.
I think readers want more
of that. Or remember that
comic that was all about
shoving penis shaped
things up a stickman’s ass?
That was funny too.
How could all that stuff fit
up his ass? He was so thin!
I like laughing. He! He! He!
But I digress. You’re printing
too much politics.
Israel this, Palestine that.
Enough! There’s a war
going on don’t you know? I
don’t want to get more depressed
by constantly reading
about it!
Left wing, right wing, up
wing, down wing. Wing,
sing, bling, bling. Who
cares! Poo on you The
Pinko. Poo on you.
Ed Asner
on behalf of
Actors Stopping Socialist
Hedonism Over Long
Editorials (ASSHOLE)
The pinko
“it’s a - punch, AND
a left jab.”
The Pinko • November 26, 2001 9
Setting the record
straight on
Mideast vampires
Good day, loyal minions. Many pundits, politicians and
cheesemakers alike are wondering why I, omniscient omnipresent
media overlord Israel “Izzy” Asper would want to
purchase a useless, left-wing rag such as The Pinko. Never
fear, my multi-coloured, feathered pets! There is method to
my madness.
A brief perusal of The Pinko
archives has led me to believe that
within its opinions pages and editorial
content lies the key to victory
in the Middle East conflict between
good and evil. Why else
would so many readers write in
and complain about The Pinko’s
Izzy Asper
Future Owner
of The Pinko
EDITOR’S
VOICE
pro-Palestinian slant? I’m with
you, comrades!
That’s why I’ve decided to take
this opportunity to set the record
straight on The Pinko’s new and
improved editorial position on the
Israeli-Palestinian conflict. We
have an entirely new orientation
that myself, former senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan and
the ghost of Ze’ev Jabotinsky are very, very proud of. But
what about the past, you say? Never fear, loyal servants of
CanWest Global!
There is no need to jettison your old copies of this stinking
Nasserite snot-rag. With my very simple instructions,
you can revise old Pinko editorials to bring them in line
with our new, impeccably pro-Israel slant. Come with me
on a voyage of journalistic revisionism!
Previously, where you see the word “occupation,” substitute
“house-sitting.” In lieu of the terms “home demolitions”
and “military checkpoints,” insert terms “high fives”
and “pajama parties.” See kids? This bubbling bag of
Ba’athist bile is easier to handle already!
Please use the word “vampire” interchangeably with the
word “Palestinian.” This will really put things into a proper
perspective. For example, the sentence “Ariel Sharon, responsible
for the deaths of over 700 Palestinians at Sabra and
Chatila” might lead one to question Israel’s purity of arms. Its
new-and-improved replacement, however — “Ariel Sharon,
responsible for the deaths of over 700 vampires at Sabra and
Chatila” — casts the prime minister as the proper hero that
he is. Vampires!?! Oh no! Thanks, Ariel!
Speaking of Ariel Sharon, he’s in for a little name change
as well. Please insert the word “Princess” before the name
“Ariel.” We feel that this will serve to further soften the
image of the lovable general, casting him more accurately
as a beautiful, singing mermaid who longs only to be a real
person, “out where they walk, out where they run, out
where they play all day in the sun…”
The Arabic (otherwise known as ‘wrong’) word for
Jerusalem, “Al-Quds,” will now read “Al Capone,” so that a
sentence formerly reading “Palestinians long to return to
and help serve al-Quds” will now say “Vampires long to
return to and help serve Al Capone.” Is the reality of the
Middle East coming into focus yet? Ooga booga! Stinkin’
vampires.
For those of you who are worried about the continued
presence of pro-vampires on the Pinko editorial staff, fear
not. Former offenders have been sacked, so that a new
crop of fresh faces — Marcus Gee, Barbara Amiel, Norman
Spector, Menachem Begin — can provide you with a lucid,
pro-Israeli view, so clearly absent in the mainstream, provampire
press.
Well, minions, there you have it. A friendly guide to rectifying
the Pinko’s shameful history regarding the Middle
East situation. Will the little mermaid prevail over the vampires
she high fives at pajama parties? Only time will tell.
But with the ghost of Baruch Goldstein as my witness, this
paper promises you objectivity in the future.