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By Mikey Riedel
mikey@slugmag.com
Settle down, class. Today we are
going to discuss proper St. Patrick’s
Day etiquette. Hopefully, this
tutorial will give you the skills to
navigate this most hallowed beer
day. Many of the “beer nerds” you
may encounter likely consider St.
Pat’s Day to be “amateur hour”
for the majority of revelers. These
simple tips and recommendations
will hopefully strip that douche-bag
aura from your hipster tendencies.
First off, NO GREEN BEER! If Yahweh,
Odin, Quetzalcoatl or Vishnu
had intended you to drink green
beer, they’d have instructed their
followers to make it from fucking
kale! Please don’t be that ironic
schlemiel. Go and find yourselves
a nice, traditional pint of something
amber, brown or tan hued. Second
... There is no “second,” just avoid
the green shit, capisce?
Now, I have compiled a few brilliant
examples of locally made,
traditional (mostly) Irish offerings.
Please consider these before making
any rash decisions.
Bruce’s 80 Scottish Ale
Brewery/Brand:
Hoppers
ABV: 4.0%
Serving Style: On Tap
Description: This traditional
creation from Hoppers brewmaster
Donovan Steele is made with
naked oats and roasted barley,
and dry-spiced with coriander
seed. The result is an amber-hued
ale that’s very rich, toasty, roasty,
smoky and malty with hints of fig
and bourbon. If that’s not enough
to get your pie hole salivating, the
addition of East Kent hops add
a slight crisp n’ clean bitterness
to balance it all out. This one will
disappear fast, so get on it!
McGrueh’s Dry
Irish Stout
Brewery/Brand:
Squatters
ABV: 4.0%
Serving Style: On Tap
Description: You absolutely must
enjoy a stout on March 17, and
while Guinness is a fine stout,
there are so many better, locally
made options out there for you.
McGrueh’s pours black with a
thick, creamy, tan, nitrogen head.
Take a nice big whiff, and you’ll
get punched with rich espresso
and roasted biscuit. The taste starts
with coffee, then turns to espresso.
Heavily roasted malt comes next
with a nutty smokiness in the end.
Mild hops come late and provide a
slightly dry finish. Guinness wishes
it had McGrueh’s balls.
Hibernian Ale
Brewery/Brand:
RedRock
ABV: 4.0%
Serving Style: On Tap
Description: Like a shillelagh to
the back of the head, this traditional
Irish ale smacks the senses
with a barrage of malt, smoke
and hops. Hibernian pours a nice,
dark, reddish-brown color. I love
to smell this beer! The combination
of light smoke and pine just sucks
me right in. The taste starts with
roasted malts, cocoa and caramel.
The end had a light, piney finish.
For such a light beer, it has much
more body than you might expect.
This is the ale that Saint Patrick
would want you to have.
With options like these, there’s no
goddamn reason to swill that green
piss that many watering holes will
be offering. Class dismissed.
Sláinte and safe drinking!
50 SaltLakeUnderGround slugmag.com 51
Photo Feature
By Weston Colton westoncolton.com
In rural Utah, where I grew up, winter meant a nearly three
month skating hiatus. There were no parking garages or
indoor ramps to skate. We would just hope the church parking
lot dried up enough to pull out our flat bars and boxes, and
we’d skate the snow gaps. Recently, winters seem to have
gotten mellower. I don’t recall a winter this cold and snowy
in at least a decade. Shoveling a spot to skate in sub-freezing
weather shows dedication, and Bolts of Thunder founder
Jon Hart is one of the most dedicated people I know.
Jon Hart – Ollie – Provo, Utah