We Will Not Go Quietly - Centre Against Sexual Assault

But there was also a small part of me that wanted to ight because when I
did accept what I had been through I became tremendously angry. It was like
ire was rushing through me and I wanted to ight. I wanted to see myself get
through it otherwise he would not only take away my right to consent, my
right to say what happens to my body, my ability to live in the world free from
fear, but he would also take my life.
Silence is not consent. That’s law. This was news to me. Do other people
know that? How did they ind that out? Why is it so hard for me to see? I
wish that the event was ilmed, so I could see, because there are blackouts
and my own natural ability to blame myself that lead to confusion. I used to
look for validation in other people’s reactions to what happened. So I wanted
to keep talking and talking about it all the time. Please someone say it’s
horrible so I can stop beating myself up for living in this emotional hole. It was
also a way of processing it. But most people don’t want to hear about it.
I actually think that surviving in the beginning is somewhat easier than now.
Well easier is certainly not the right word! But a year ago I could hide and
watch endless movies, and eat and eat and eat and never leave my room and
I had good reason. I would cut myself in the shower everyday to redirect the
pain and I had good reason. Now what do I have? I have to get up. I have to
get started on life. I have to rebuild. I can’t do those things anymore. Because
I can’t let him win. But it’s so hard. And I don’t know where to begin. I need to
remind myself to feel empowered because I have survived, because it is an
amazing, amazing thing to get through to the other side.
I do feel the memories slowly fading. My mind is illed with other thoughts
and images. I am no longer replaying and replaying it all the time. I do believe
that time is the greatest healer of all. It is time that has lessened the pain. My
cat has also helped. I bought him afterwards and loving him makes me feel so
happy. Having to care for him gives me something enjoyable and something
to wake up for when everything else feels too much. I would recommend to
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anyone going through this to get a pet to cuddle and love.
I would recommend to watch lots of comedy, to take time - as much time
as there is - to just be with yourself, to get massages, to go for walks, listen
to music, to have baths, to sleep, to cry, to feel, to heal in whatever way you
need to. Being around female energy was so important to me without me
even realising it at the time. I am so thankful for the things that have got me
here. I am so thankful that there are beautiful things in the world. Nothing will
take away my ability to seek them. Nothing will take away the hope. I will ight
and strive for it because there isn’t another option. I want to feel good and
strong and free. And I will. I am.
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