June 2006 - The Parklander Magazine

How To Stay In LoveBy Denise Brody“Love and marriage…love and marriage…go together likea horse and carriage,“ or so say the lyrics to a famous song. Andhere we are in June, the time for summer weddings. My parents willbe married 60 years in December (Oy Vay!) and my sister celebrated35 years of marriage in April. My husband and I have been marriedfor 22 years.So what does it take to achievemarital bliss? Why do somecouples have a happymarriage and others endin divorce? Let mespeak from my ownexperience as a “lifer”and as a practicingpsychotherapist.First of all, in theearly stage of arelationship the twopeople involved are in astate of euphoria. Iremember my husbandleaving my parent’s homeafter a date and callingme as soon as he gotback to his place. Wespoke on the phonefrom 1:00 a.m. until6:00 a.m. We didn’tneed much sleepbecause we wereliving on love.I would neverbe able to dothat today.But when you’reyoung and in love, yourevery minute (and almost everythought) is focused on each other.Then, you proclaim exclusivity andHelping YouAchieve HappinessPsychotherapy / CounselingIndividuals • Couples • GroupsDepression, Anxiety, Post-PartumDepression, Miscarriage, Menopause,Grief / Loss, Infertility, Adoption /Homestudies, Geriatics, ChronicPain, Relationships, Panic Attacks,Stress ManagementDENISE BRODY, LCSW, ACSW, P.A.Lic. #SW0004482Glades Medical Center9325 Glades Rd., Suite 208Boca Raton561-477-4211Always consider thateveryone comes to arelationship with differentvalues, and try not toexpect your partner to seethe world exactly like you do.commitment and embark on the road to marriage.It’s easy to get caught up in the glamour ofmaking wedding plans, but that is also the time toask yourselves some very important questionsabout key issues in a relationship.Do you share common philosophies about housekeeping,sex, money, religion, having children or not having children,careers and in-laws? The list goes on. If he’s a neat freak and she’sa slob who never picks up after herself, that’s a problem.Do you want to have sex weekly, daily, once a month or not atall? Are you going to have a joint bank account or separateaccounts? Do you want a prenuptial agreement?I have a client who says, ”He can’t tell me what to spend, sinceI work.” And she buys $400 handbags while her frugal spouse cutscoupons. He chooses not to buy expensive clothing and gets upsetabout his wife’s spending habits.Housekeeping is another area of potential disagreement. Wehave a rule in our house—whoever has an affinity for some taskwill do that task rather than create conflict. My husband loves tomake lunches for the whole family during the work week. He likesdoing laundry as well. I would rather clean toilets or cook agourmet meal than do laundry.My parents live 1,200 miles away so that takes care of our in-lawissues, at least for my husband. But if you want to buy a home nextdoor to Mom and Dad and your spouse doesn’t think that’s such agood idea, that could be a major problem.How are you going to communicate with each other duringthose unavoidable times when you disagree? Agree that you willdisagree, more than once in your lifetime, and keep lines ofcommunication open. How you respond to each other duringstressful situations is what creates a healthy marital bond.Always take into consideration that everyone comes to arelationship with different values, and try not to expect yourpartner to see the world exactly like you do.Throughout your married life events will happen—both happyand sad—that also impact on the relationship. New babies, a newjob, relocation, a death in the family, financial ups and downs areall a part of life. Your relationship will grow richer and deeper asyou embrace these changes and know that you’ll be there for eachother. The intimacy and companionship you have that build yourown family history will enhance your lives.Denise Brody is psycotherapist with a practice in Boca Raton. She lives in Parklandand enjoys spending time with her family. Email her atbrody@theparklander.com.68the PARKLANDER