celebratingour 2 0 thyear - The Parklander Magazine

FROM THE EXPERTSBy Dr. Rene LapinDear Frustrated:There are some reasons that are out of your control that feed the flames ofparents’ fears. Parents of teens did not grow up with technology to text ande-mail; conversations were in person, over the phone or by written letter.Your mother and parents of her generation did not even have cell phones!We are the first generation of parents to have children communicatingwith their peers in a way that is so dramatically different than a previousgeneration. It is confusing for parents to not have a protocol to follow inorder to provide the right amount of responsible monitoring withoutcompletely invading their teens’ privacy.Dear Dr. Renae,I am a 16-year-old girl who does well in school and doesn’t get intotrouble. My mother insists on reading my texts and e-mails. She claimsthat it is her responsibility as a parent to make sure I am safe. I can takecare of myself and want my privacy! Do you think teenagers deserve tohave private conversations with their friends?Frustrated and AngryDear Frustrated,Understanding you’re mother’s point of view in this situation is essential inorder to solve the problem. Looking underneath the surface, it may seemthe reason behind it is she uses the information gained by reading yourtexts/emails as a safety blanket to truly believe that you are safe. However,I do agree with you in discontinuing the practice of parents reading theirchildren’s text messages/e-mails. My advice to help improve your situationwould be to simply put aside time everyday and talk to your mother aboutyour daily endeavors so she can be reassured that you are safe and nolonger has the curiosity to go through your messages.A friend, 16-year-old high school sophomoreDear Frustrated,Yes, teens should be allowed to have private conversations with theirfriends, but it is a hard question because it depends on which way you arelooking at it. From the kid’s perspective, they don’t want parents to haveanything to do with their social life, but from the parent’s perspective theywant their kids to be safe, do the right thing and not get into trouble. Ithink I am responsible enough to not have my mom monitor my texts butdoes my mom think I am responsible enough? So, it depends on how theparent sees the kid’s ability to make good decisions.A guy’s opinion, 18-year-old high school juniorDear Frustrated,I don’t believe that my parents should be reading my conversations withmy friends. I don’t go through my parent’s e-mails or texts. I give themtheir privacy, and they should respect me and give me my privacy, too.Now it’s understandable if my mom wants to know who I am talkingto, because as a parent, they should be aware of who their children arespeaking to, how they know them, how old they are, etc. If I want to sharethe conversation then that would be fine, but they don’t have the right toread them without my consent.On your side, 16-year-old high school sophomoreMany parents today are terrified by the highly publicized local and nationalevents which cite teen violence, especially since it has been frequentlyreported that the parents did not have any idea of what was happening intheir teens’ lives. In addition, teens often do not have enough life experienceto accurately gauge signs of danger. Adults have become more aware andmore vigilant of their surroundings than teens simply because of theirnumber of years of experience and number of situations they have beenexposed to. Has your mother heard you say: “Oh, don’t worry, that won’thappen to me?” If so, she might be feeling that you are unrealistic and cluelessabout the dangers in our society. Fear for your safety and pressure fromsociety may be the driving force of your mother’s monitoring.I agree with “a friend” that you may be able to reduce her fear by takingthe time each day to share some of the events of your daily interactionsbetween friends. Make sure to share your opinions of poor decisionsmade by your peers (you do not have to name them.) For example, letyour mom know what you think of kids using drugs, sexting and skippingschool. It is also helpful for your mom to get to know your friends andtheir parents. This will develop more trust and ease her fears. The moreknowledge your mom has about your life, feelings and opinions, the lessfear your mom will be experiencing and the less pressure she will befeeling to monitor your e-mail and texts.A safe practice to follow is to not e-mail or text anything that wouldincrease those fears. This is a good standard to follow for another reason:Anything you e-mail or text has an electronic footprint and can be viewedby others you would not intend to read them. At the very least, you couldsuffer embarrassment. More serious consequences have been reported byteens whose e-mails and texts have inadvertently been forwarded or readby the wrong people.While you might not be able to change your mom’s mind about readingyour texts and emails at this time, you may be able to feel less angry andfrustrated by discussing the comments in this column with your mother.Ask your mother to contribute substitute ideas, instead of reading yourtexts/e-mails that would reassure her that you are using safe practices withyour electronic communication. Good luck!Dr. RenaeCalling all Teens – Middle and High SchoolDo you have a question or problem on which you would like to receive advicefrom teen counselors? Curious as to how someone else has handled asimilar problem? Concerned about your home, school or social life? Writeto: ASK DR RENAE for a confidential response to your question printed inthe Parklander! No names or identifying information will be published. Pleasegive your age and/or grade level in school and let us know if you are a guy ora girl. All inquiries should be directed to: askdrrenae@att.net. Make sure toinclude: ASK DR RENAE in the subject line.82 MAY 2010