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Evil WomanA sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. Shegestured alluringly to the bartender who approached herimmediately. She seductively signaled that he should bringhis face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his fullbeard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking hisface with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you gethim for me?I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyondhis beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed thebartender. "Is there anything can do?" "Yes. I need for you togive him a message," she continued, running her forefingeracross the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple ofher fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say."Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap,or paper towels in the ladies room!"Best Kept SecretsA couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they madelove, the husband insisted on turning off the light. After 20years, the wife felt this habit was ridiculous. So one night,while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romanticsession, she turned on the lights. She looked down and sawher husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure deviceavibrator. She went completely ballistic."You impotent bastard" she screamed at him. "How could yoube lying to me all these years? You'd better explain yourself!"The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly."I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."Eleven Things You'll Never Hear AWoman Say1. "Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?"2. "You take me out too much, can't we just stay in."3. "A fake one will do."4. "You look stressed out, let me give you a blowjob."5. "Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it."6. "That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body."7. "My mother is a real old bitch."8. "No, no, you buy me too much already."9. "Give it to me hard up the arse, big boy - you know I loveit."10. "What headache."11. "Put your money away, let me buy the rounds."Plane CrashAn American girl, a French girl and an African girl are travelingon a plane. The plane is about to crash, so the American girlstarts putting on her make-up. Everyone was curious."Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first," she says.The French girl opens her bra and says, "The rescuerswill save a girl with beautiful breasts first." The Africangirl pulls her knickers down and says, "Screw that,everyone knows they always look for the black boxfirst!"Now That I'm Retired...Working people frequently ask me what I do to makemy days interesting now that I'm retired. The other dayI went downtown and went into a shop. I was only inthere for about 5 minutes. When I came out there wasa cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him andsaid, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired persona break"? He ignored me and continued writingthe ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me andstarted writing another ticket for having worn tires.So I called him a "dough-nut eating Gestapo." He finishedthe second ticket and put it on the windshieldwith the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. Thiswent on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him,the more tickets he wrote.Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus.The car that he was putting the tickets on had abumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have alittle fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important tomy health.Girls Night OutLAUGHSTwo women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives. However,they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the BacardiBreezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, theyneeded to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. Oneof them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought shewould take off her panties and use them. Her friend,however was wearing a rather expensive pair ofpanties and did not want to ruin them. She was luckyenough to squat down next to a grave that had awreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipewith that.After the girls did their business, they proceeded to gohome. The next day one of the women's husbandswas concerned that his normally sweet and innocentwife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned theother husband and said, "These girl nights have got tostop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife camehome with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the otherhusband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to herbutt that said....."From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you."September 2007 • 29