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The Elevator RideOn a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketfulof quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from theslots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. Butfirst she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be rightback and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carriedthe coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about towalk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidatingfigure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These twoare going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot,they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypesare powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and staredat the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. Shehoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to knowwhat she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them inthe elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed.She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of willshe picked up one foot and stepped forward and followedwith the other foot and was on the elevator.Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced theelevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and theanother second, and then another.Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumedher. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to berobbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from everypore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told herto do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwardsas she threw outher arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money andspare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard oneof the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what flooryou're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said ithad a little trouble getting the words out. He was tryingmightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her headand looked up at the two men. They reached down to help herup. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told myfriend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "Imeant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn'tmean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. Hebit his lip It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've madeof myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurtout an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize totwo perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as thoughthey were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. Thethree of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled herbucket.When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted onwalking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on herfeet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.At her door they bid her a good evening. As sheslipped into her room she could hear them roaring withlaughter as they walked back to the elevator.The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herselftogether and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.The next morning flowers were delivered to herroom - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was acrisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks forthe best laugh we've had in years."It was signed;Eddie MurphyMichael JordanMedical TreatmentTwo patients limp into two different medical clinics withthe same complaint. Both have trouble walking andappear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient isexamined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day andhas a time booked for surgery the following week. TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks foran appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another weekand finally has his surgery scheduled for a month fromthen. Why the different treatment for the two patients?The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.Next time take me to a vet!It was only a tap onthe shoulder...A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver aquestion and tapped him on the shoulder. The driverscreamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus andthen drove up over the curb. For a few moments everythingwas silent in the cab, and then the still shakingdriver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights outof me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver,and said he hadn't realized a mere tap on the shoulderwould frighten him so much.The driver replied, "No,no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first daydriving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 23years..."Ah Nuts!Two peanuts walk into a bar.One was a salted.HUMORSeptember 2007 • 31