Razorcake Issue #19

øIREV. NORBLOVE, NORBIIF YOU COULD REALLY POWER A MOTOR VEHICLE WITH AOL, WOULDN'TIT JUST GO BACKWARDS, CRASH, AND THEN CHARGE YOU DOUBLE?REV. N0RBIHEY HEY I AM THE MONKEES!!! YOU KNOW I LOVE TOPLEASE!!! A MANUFACTURED IMAGE!!! WITH NO PHIL-OS-O-PHIES!!! YOU SAY YOU LOVE MY STORY!!!ALTHOUGH THERE ISN’T ONE!!! THAT MEANS THATTHERE ARE MANY!!! THAT WAY THERE IS MORE FUN!!!HEY HEY I AM THE MONKEES!!! I’VE SAID IT ALLBEFORE!!! THE MONEY’S IN, I’M MADE OF TIN, I’M HERETO GIVE YOU MORE!!! THE MONEY’S IN, I’M MADE OFTIN, I’M HERE TO GIVE YOU MORE!!! THE MONEY’S IN,I’M MADE OF TIN, I’M HERE TO GIVE YOU.Disclaimer: 1) I am not, in fact, the Monkees; 2) You have not, infact, said you loved my story; 3) I am not, in fact, made out of tin,as tin is by no means bendy enough to accommodate my perpetuallydistending frame; and 4) the money is not, in fact, in. HOW-EVER! The VOTES are, in fact, in – and both people who returnedTheir Official Rev. Nørb Drinking Referendum Ballot voted that I,REVEREND NØRB, should SUCKLE THE SWEET SWEETBREAST CIDER OF THE ETERNAL PABST-TEAT TO MYGRINCHLY HEART’S CONTENT!!! The people have spoken!The vox have popped! The cat’s out of the bag! The Pandora’s outof the box! The moose is loose! The bear’s in the air! The deer’s inthe beer! The chicken’s in the breadpan pickin’ out dough! Fromthis point forward (actually slightly retroactive to... uh... about sixmonths ago), i, Rev. Nørb, am off the wagon for good, or untilsomeone forgets! Just remember: I’m doin’ it for the kids! Bornand unborn! And, both potential permutations of the “advice column”now duly attempted (that is to say, both advice “pitcher” and“catcher,” if i may speak in the salty argot of the homosexualinfielder), i hereby, with one rap of my mighty Croquet Mallet ForThe Promotion of Vice and Prevention of Virtue (expoundedupon at greater length in another publication), declare the “advicecolumn” experiment HEREBY ABANDONED WITH ALL DUEUNCEREMONY!!! I mean, let’s face it – you people asked dumbquestions and i gave even dumber answers! Phooey on yooey,Chewy! I go to the grave hoarding my copious gifts of practicalknowledge! My fish stick pizza recipe? LOST TO YOU FOREV-ER, O UNBELIEVER! My can’t miss stock tips? RESERVEDFOR MY OWN UNSEEMLY PROFITEERING! You killed thegoose that laid the golden Wonka Bar! You paved paradise and putup a parking lot, then stole the keeshka from the place of businessdirectly abutting said lot, drove off in a big yellow taxi and wrotea folk song about it! You ushered in the fall of the house of Usher!I don’t even know what i’m saying any more, but i KNOWYOU’RE GUILTY! Therefore, from this point forward (“goingforward” as my boss would say. I’m always like “as opposed towhat other direction?” Going backward? Going sideways? Goingkitty-corner?), i am scuttling the existing format of this columnand replacing it with Nardwuar-like interviews of mainstreamishdemi-celebrities. Therefore, without further Freddy Adu, let usproceed with all appropriate pomp and foofarah to...8REV. NØRB vs. MARCUS HAISLIP(Marcus Haislip, second year forward for the Milwaukee Bucks,was interviewed by Rev. Nørb on December 6th, 2003, outsidesection 203 at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee)Rev. Nørb: So, Marcus, since your last name is “Haislip,” andyour uniform is purple, do people ever call you “Purple Hais?”Marcus Haislip: No.Rev. Nørb: Well, all righty then!(end interview)...wow! Fabulous! Probing! Insightful! Unexpectedly relevant! Anew Golden Age of Nørb-Columnage is surely upon us! Actually,i think i gotta get a videocamera (well, i mean, i HAVE a videocamera,but i’ve never used it for anything other than home porn.You’d be surprised in a most crestfallingly negative fashion at howlong the camera can just be pointing at one person’s painted-toenailedfoot before one realizes that HEY! I’M NOT GETTINGANY OF THIS! and readjusts it), these guys don’t seem to get upfor the print media any more (case in point: in a similar in-depthconversation with Bucks shooting guard Michael Redd, the emergingsuperstar responded “probly rob a bank or something” whenasked what he’d do if he found himself invisible for a day. Werethis conversation on camera, however, i am certain that his answerwould have been “give thanks to God for my invisibility”). And,since i am paid by the word here, i seem to have now found myselfwith a shortfall of several pages, and THAT is no way for a newglorious age of goldenosity to begin! Therefore, while i wait forthe next Rev. Nørb Celebrity Interview to be arranged for me bythe Canadian government (okay... i admit: Marcus Haislip isn’treally a celebrity. But he IS tall), i will be forced to the scoundrel’slast resort of padding my Celebrity Interview out with random actsof rantitude. So be it! Rant Mode Enabled! Therefore, let therecord show that 1) “The Tim Version” is the fucking stupidestband name ever, not only due to its inherently being the fuckingstupidest band name ever, but because the live version of “Can’tHardly Wait” off 1984’s The Shit Hits the Fans cassette wasLONG held to be the one “true” version of the song, and who orwhom are they to say otherwise? 2) The Libertines are the fuckinggayest band ever. This band is gayer than cell phones. This band isgayer than the people who TALK on cell phones are, if that can bebelieved! Shares of FM Knives stock are plummeting precipitouslyfor them actually stating on the public record that they believethis band is Other Than Shit! To set things straight, THIS BANDIS NOT OTHER THAN SHIT!!! The Libertines’ Up the Bracketalbum is so godawfully blatant in its not-other-than-shit-itude thatit should be forced to wear an ankle monitor and give its paroleofficer 48 hours notice if it ever wants to leave Darryl Strawberry’sapartment! The FM Knives coolness points (which i know they’realways worried sick about) are plunging like the altimeter in aBugs Bunny piloted aircraft whose screaming nosedive is only