Rosh Hashanah 5769/2008 - Jewish Infertility

Shaarei Tikvah Issue 57/ Rosh Hashana 2008Let me know what YOU think of this sub-theory to your theory...and Yehi ratzon she'yimalei Hashem KOL mish'aloseinu l'tova!Gemar Chasima Tova and a meaningful Yom Kippur to all!life'sgreatSeptember 30, 2003, 06:56 PMMe Too- On the button!!! Took the words outta my mouth!!For years, I was very despondent by the fact that as much as I dohave the “highs and lows,” I can't really connect at will, and daven,and cry to Hashem. Oh, yes, I've had my holy sem years where Ibawled through the two years. I've had my high times where themost hurtful thing did nothing to me, and then I had times whenthe smallest thing would set me off.Yet, Me Too, the worst still was when I was numb. When nothingand no one could induce me to tears. I could have been hurt tothe core, sad, and angry, but my tear ducts were closed. I foundthose times worse than the “crying times”! I don't know how yousurvive without crying. Nothing is as good as a heartfelt cry toHashem.With time, I learnt how to navigate it. I would also be standing inshul on Yom Kippur, and not shed a tear. I would really try to get tothe point where I want to beg and plead, but am apathetic. UntilI've learnt not to push it. If you feel that you can't daven withkavana, or heartfelt prayers, don't! Do the best that you arecapable of at that time. Hashem wants our tefillos, not yenem’s! Iwould always tell Hashem that You gave me this lack of emotions,and that is all I could do for now. I tried my best.But the interesting part is, that usually when I was mashlim withthe matzav that this is what Hashem wants, I found myself intears. Usually, as soon as I gave up trying to “induce” the tears, ithappened on its own!This past Pesach, (or was it Succos?) we went to Meiron on CholHamoed. We went with a tour, and there were tons of people.I had a very hard time davening. I'd been numb for a very longtime, and felt very disconnected from the words and tefillos. Afterhaving been to Teveria and Tzfas, I was fed up. I tried so hard tobe there, have kavana, and cry, beg. But nothing came up. I justdecided to be mashlim with the situation. I said, "Hashem, Youcould do anything. It hurts me that You don't want me to REALLYdaven!! It hurts me that You don't let me feel connected. I'll do thebest I can, and please, accept my poor tefillos, they are heartfelt!!"I just stood there, feeling like a pilot on remote... I simply mouthedthe words, and davened Shemonei Esrei. After I finished, I knew wehave only about five minutes left until we’d have to get back tothe bus. I decided to just try to get to the actual kever, and justbeseech one more time.Lo and behold, I let go!!! I've never before in my life cried like thatin public!! I was not shedding tears, I was heaving with sobs. Myjacket was wet. I cried, and cried, and cried. I don't even rememberwhat I was saying, but all the pain from the past while cameup, and I had a real heart-to-heart talk with my Father... I couldnot stop it; it flowed, and flowed as if it had a life of its own! Myneighbors next to me were even able to listen to all my tzaros, ‘cuzI was talking a bit above a whisper (to put it mildly!) Yes, if you sawthat meshugena talking to herself, and crying, it was me !!All of a sudden, I felt someone tap my shoulder: "Excuse me,are you Mrs. Life'sgreat? Mr. Life'sgreat is waiting for you." I leftthat place puffy and red-eyed. My jacket was soaked and wasvery visibly wet! Tear-streaked and heaving, I found my husbandoutside looking as if he was about to call the police. The entirebus was waiting for close to a half-hour for me!! My, how time flieswhen you don't want it to! I wanted to hold on to that momentforever! I was bracing myself for a real psak! DH told me to just saysorry, because they were all fuming! I walked onto that bus andsaw a bunch of stern-faced Israelis. But one look at my face madethem bite their tongues!! I sat down and continued crying for thenext hour or so!But that sure taught me a lesson. Don't think Hashem alwayswants the tears! He knows how we really feel. The tears are tomake you feel good! He knows when you have the proper kavana.Not to say that tears don't make you sadder, and the tefilla moreheartfelt, but I basically learnt to take it as it comes. It's alwaysworkedMindy, a person can learn to have control over his emotions. Ilook at it as a pot with a lid, or a drawer. When I feel ready, andup to it, I can take off the lid, or open the drawer, and let go. Feel,think, cry, grieve, pity yourself... And then, when life has to go on,just cover the pot, or close the drawer. It takes practice, but youcan definitely learn to do it!LawmanSeptember 30, 2003, 07:36 PMMe Too - that was beautiful. Thanx for posting.I will ask then the next logical question. For those of us whoWANT to shed tears and are not, by nature, “criers,” how do youbring them about? How do you force tears to the surface? I mean,even in those moments when I felt depressed and that it washopeless, I could not, and I tried to, bring myself to shed tears.srrlSeptember 30, 2003, 11:33 PMOne of you said you're not a high-low person. I am. I hit extremes,and b"h for the most part I am extremely happy and all. "Joie devivre," as my mother calls it; literally, “joy for life” in French.I feel like I’m turning to stone inside. I can't feel anything anymore.I used to feel pain if I read a name for Tehillim. I used to cry at alevaya, even for someone I didn't know so well. I feel like my veinsare filled with cement instead of blood. I haven't davened well inthe longest time.82rosh hashana_magazine2.indd 8221/09/2008 7:09:29 PM