Rosh Hashanah 5769/2008 - Jewish Infertility

So the Avos had to give Hashem their heartfelt prayers to havechildren. But I have none to give. What does that do for me?Although to be honest, I prefer this to the emotional wreck thatI can be....rfOctober 01, 2003, 12:44 AMI was actually so excited reading this post; I finally feel that I’mnot alone in the dry land. I am not a crier, to such an extremethat I only cry when something really penetrated my heart, andthat really happens rarely. I always felt alone. Thank you ATIME forgiving me the opportunity of finding myself normal.I never used to shed a tear. I went to shul since about the ageof 14, and everyone used to cry and I was the only one different.I hated it, felt stupid and ashamed. I even remember one year, allYom Kippur, only thinking, “Hashem, please give me some tears. Ialso want to be able to cry to you.”I got married and dh’s family is sooo sensitive and emotional thatmy sister-in-law cries every single week. She just sits down criesand then feels better; she claims it’s the best feeling. Believe me,after all these years, I still can’t understand how someone can dothat; I, for one, can’t.I always had such harsh thoughts about myself for not beingable to cry like everyone, (not every week) but at least twice ayear on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. Until I finally realized thattears don’t matter, it’s kavanos that matter most. I repeated itconstantly until it didn’t bother me much if I did or didn’t cry, aslong as my kavanos were good. The more it didn’t bother me, themore I found myself being able to shed at least a few tears. By theway, it is VERY hard. People that cry easily can’t understand it.One more thing that helps me, is to know the meaning of everyword I daven, and to understand the holiness of davening as muchas possible. All ATIME articles before Yom Tov were of great help.This year was something special. I finally reached the point whichI was trying to reach for so many years. It actually happened thefirst day of Rosh Hashanah by Shacharis. I don’t remember exactlyat what part it happened (not at any special tefilla). The men weresinging, and I just started shedding tears for a few minutes andthen it stopped. I felt this was the time I was probably on the scaletrying to weigh over the good side, and I just needed some tears. Ifelt I accomplished my goal; for once, I was able to cry to Hashemin my high thoughts.October 01, 2003, 02:04 AMI'm going to give a more or less humorous answer to forcingtears: CUT UP ONIONS ! Honestly though, tears come only whenour bodies allow them to come (with Hashem's help, that is). Mytheory on this is that the more we try to force our selves, the lesscontrol we have.As an easy crier, I find that my tears are a hindrance to davening.If I'm crying I can't get deep into myself and daven with properkavana. I may look the part, but it's only looks, and I leave with thefeeling that I'm still lacking in something.Mindy, you mentioned, "If I want to cry, I have to feel a certainsadness in my heart, which I am valiantly fighting, in order not tofall into a pit of despair." Is there some other method you can useto avoid the pit of despair you talk about? Maybe making sureyou are with someone who can comfort you right after daveningand help you avoid the pit. This way you could avoid sealing offparts of you at the time you desperately want to make use of thatpart.Our matzav has brought us together as one, to cheer each otherup like the rays of the sun.SSKOctober 01, 2003, 10:59 PMI've noticed a very interesting thing this year. It is much easier tocry for someone else's pain than my own.I never cry, I don't know what a "good cry" means, and I don't feelbetter after those very rare instances when it does happen. Onoccasion my eyes could cloud over, but something very sad andintense has to occur for this to happen. Davening for me is justsaying the words. I don't understand much of what I say, but try toread the Yiddish translation on the bottom of the page.This year, my neighbor in shul was a young lady (she's around 30with 5-6 little kids) that lost her husband this summer. He drownedin a pool where he went to toivel for Shabbos. When we got toUnesaneh Tokef, “mi ba'mayim...” I started crying. It was so sad tosee this young almana standing there and davening to Hashem. Itwas easier for me to cry for her pain than for my own. My own???I never felt pain. I don't allow myself to feel it. Therefore, when Idaven, say Tehillim, bentch licht or take challah, it is never intense...I think it's because I have so many untouched emotions lyingthere, that starting the flow would create a royal mess which Iwould like to avoid.I hope I will feel the same at least for a few minutes on YomKippur.May Hashem answer all our tefillos and grant us all our wishes.A Gemar Chasima TovMitapeletDunno... in any case, I'm fine as is... No one can say that what I'mmissing in life is a "good cry"...Anonymous AtimerSeptember 19, 2007, 04:56 AMWow! This really struck a cord!Shaarei Tikvah Issue 57/ Rosh Hashana 200883rosh hashana_magazine2.indd 8321/09/2008 7:09:32 PM