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� The abusing family is often isolated from neighbours and extended family. Family
members have few, if any, friends. They have no one, therefore, to whom to turn
in times of stress. The abuse, of course, makes family members feel different and
secretive, which heightens the sense of isolation.
� The abusing family tends to be a family where independence is sacrificed for the
sake of togetherness. Family members long for closeness but are afraid they might
lose their sense of identity and feel swallowed up in a family that has no room for
individuals. Enormous hunger for love and care is present, brought by each parent
from a depriving background.
� This results in constant competition between the marriage partners to see who is
taken care of. The loser, then, in a desperate attempt to have needs met, turns to
the child. When the child is unable to meet these inappropriate demands, a whole
lifetime of the parent's frustration over unmet needs is acted out on the child in the
form of overt aggression. Immature or insecure parents usually struggle with
everyday problems. One distinctive feature of abusive families is that they are
continually trying to adjust to changes. We know something of the stress and
pressure the average family is confronted with each day: money problems, work-
related stresses, family relational problems, and the pressure of just getting it all
done. At times of change-be it a job change, new family member, or sickness or
death of a family member -life-altering stresses are added to the everyday
pressures. Each, family develops its own way of handling stress and conflict.
Some people cry, others withdraw, some work hard, others get depressed, some
turn to alcohol to escape, while others problem-solve. Some, of course, release the
tension and frustration by assaulting a family member.
Apparently, child battering is an ineffective and destructive attempt to handle conflict and
stress. The beater has not learned to cope with feelings in a productive way but has
learned to strike out at a family member. This behaviour diverts the anger to an
inappropriate target and releases it. In that sense, it works. However, damage is done and
the long-term cost is high. Abusive episodes typically go through a three-phase cycle:
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