Undercurrent-Issue-Fall-Winter-2014-3

One moment which exemplifies this internalized oppression and inability to accept beingvulnerable happened two weeks into the program. I had been feeling debilitated by my host-family andcommunity. Upon learning about the different international partners of Intercordia, I became immediatelyinterested in the Dominican Republic because it incorporated outdoor agricultural work as part of theexperience. I was thrilled to begin my summer of hiking up mountains, using machetes, and getting fit.Unfortunately, the shock, disappointment, and, quite frankly, anger, resonated when I was only permittedto partake in physical work twice a week, even though my host-brother could go every day. I failed torecognize that my newcomer status might influence this, considering my womyn colleagues went towork every day. From my perspective, everyone was overreacting when a bug bite emerged on my skin;my hands began to blister and my health, to them, was depleting. I was convinced it was simplybecause I was a fragile womyn. In reality, it is likely that my host-family and colleagues did not want toforce a stranger (at the time) into daily labour-intensive work – they did not want to scare me away. This,however, I failed to acknowledge. “If I were a man,” I said, “They would let me do whatever the hell Iwanted.”I was rather exhausted and irritated with people attempting to tell me that I could not go to workbecause my body was not accustomed to the work or the heat. As a strong and independent womyn, Iknew my body and that of which it is capable. I felt my agency was being taken from me, and could notbear it. So I began to hide my weaknesses in order to be given agency. I attempted to hide my blisters,and was sure to never wince or show exhaustion after a long day. One day, I felt particularly sick. I hadnot eaten supper the night before, and ate very little for breakfast the next day. My host-mother wasalready suspicious when I left for work. At work, I gave the food to my colleagues so that my hostmotherwould not see that I was not eating. Upon returning home, I showered, and, although lunch wason the table, I ignored it and went to my room to rest off my feelings of illness.My host-mother then peaked through the window to ensure that I was in an acceptable state.She asked me if I did not like her food (which would be a terrible offense to a Dominican mother), and Iresponded that I was not hungry. She asked me if I was feeling sick, and I said no. She replied that shedid not believe me. Mothers know. Finally, I let me guard down and confessed that I was experiencingdiscomfort in my stomach. I ensured her that it was not serious, and that I just needed sleep, but sheproceeded to insist as she left my room that I was being ridiculous and that I had to take some pills thatshe had for me and relax. Eventually, she returned with a cup of water and some tablets. I took them,and sure enough, felt better within a few hours.I could not appreciate more the care that my mother gave me that day. That being said, theeffect my stubborn power games played on my family was something that I had failed to consider. Thenext day, my family and I sat down and they told me how disappointed they were that I attempted tohide my illness from them. They told me that I was a part of their family now, and that I needed to allowthem to take care of me. It worried them that I was now their responsibility, yet I would not allow them tobe responsible for me: they feared that I would do something irrational out of my need for independence.The shock I experienced was profound; I had been so bound in my own understanding of self that Icould not conceptualize how someone else could be responsible for my health or even feel that burden. Ihad to learn then that I depended on these people, and that depending on them is not a bad thing. Beingweak and needing is not negative. In this particular instance, my desire for strength and power haddivided us, and it was only through accepting my weakness that we could be united. As Vanier (2004)describes, the state of dependence allows a “communion of hearts” in which “each gives and eachreceives, each becomes vulnerable to the other” (p. 3). When power is the core in a relationship,competition becomes the focus. When vulnerability is the core, a more holistic, interdependent, andcooperative relationship can be created. Within this relationship framework, we are all able to give (whichmakes us feel special and needed) and we are all receiving. No one hungers because they are alwaysbeing given to, and everyone feels gracious because they are giving. All needs, spiritual and physical,are met.68