Jeffrey Alan Payne - Doczine

eprehensible treasures like Tennessee Ernie Ford with a cover of “Let It Be” by theBeatles and the Who’s “Summertime Blues” demoralized by a young Donnie Osmond.With all those safety nets woven over the weekend, our first day we managed to get upin time, and got to the station simultaneously at 4:45am. We scoured newspapers andteletype, made some notes, decided at what times we would run pre-recorded bits andwhen we would talk about news or nonsense.After all of that preparation, our greatest strength turned out to be spontaneous patter.The first stop set was spent talking about the warm sunny weather we were going tohave that week. I immediately pointed out that it was open-toe season, and elaboratedon how much I loved women in open-toe shoes. Jim lamented that he didn’t like wearingsandals, because he could never get his toenails looking to his liking. I asked why hedidn’t just clean them like everyone else, to which he replied, “I’ve got air tight domes. Ican’t get in there thoroughly enough without almost severing an artery and gushingblood from my toenail. Then it looks even worse cause then I got a nasty bloody cutunder by big toenail.”I congratulated Jim on his sensitive disclosure to people that were probably having theirbreakfasts, and gave the weather forecast. We turned off the mikes and agreed that ourfirst effort was barely acceptable, and in fact quite lame. The listener line lit up. Ianswered, “The Rock. Good morning.”“Hello, am I on the air?” a very sweet sounding female voice replied.“Well that depends on what you have to say,” I countered.“Yeah, you could have Tourette’s Syndrome or even worse, you could be one of Rick’sex-girlfriends. Most of them were crazy,” Jim added.“We’ve been on the air for what...six minutes? And Jim already set us up for our firstround of law suits. If you ever dated me, my apologies in advance of seeing you incourt. What can we do for you?” I asked.“Oh, well I own a nail salon, and I’d be glad to come down there and service Jim.”Whoa! Be careful, you’re in the Bible Belt. Jim instantly came to life, “You couldn’t havemade that offer when I was doing evenings? There was no one in the building then!”She laughed heartily. She seemed like a really nice woman; plus, she had a rather sexyvoice. “I meant give you a pedicure.”We both simultaneously said “Oh!” Jim pretended to be disappointed.I chuckled, “Thank God. I didn’t want to have to watch what I thought you meant, andI’m the one that plays the records, so I’m not allowed to leave the room!” That wasabout as naughty as we were comfortable with being at this point, “Smell Rick’s Finger”notwithstanding.“You’ll come down here and do it?” I asked.47