The Good Life - January/February 2014

Dad, Don’t Let Rules
Diminish the Relationship
By: CAREY CASEY | WWW.FATHERS.COM
Training and disciplining
kids is tough. It’s even
harder when you’re in a
complex family situation,
and more and more dads
are finding themselves in that place.
Our staff recently heard from
several dads whose stories illustrate
this (and whose names I have changed
here).
James is a partial-custody father. His
12-year-old daughter is acting out—
taking things from a relative’s house,
and generally being irresponsible at
school and in other ways. James is
trying to address these issues, but finds
it hard to make any progress with his
daughter since his time with her is
limited and her mom takes a softer
approach to discipline that he doesn’t
agree with.
Kevin works long hours, which
really limits his opportunities to
spend time with his 6-year-old
stepson. The boy sees his biological
father mostly on birthdays and
holidays, but Kevin says the other
father is very lax in his rules and
expectations. So, while the other dad
gets to be the “fun dad” when he’s
around, Kevin is afraid the boy sees
him as the “mean dad” since he’s
the one who’s handling many of the
everyday behavior issues.
And really, most all dads deal
with similar questions from time to
time: How do I balance the hard side
and the soft side of being a father?
When does my child need more love
as opposed to discipline?
There are no easy answers, but I’m
reminded of the classic wisdom for
parents: “Rules without relationship
leads to rebellion.” That might even
be more relevant for dads and kids
in these complex situations, but it’s
a great reminder for me and surely
many other dads, no matter what the
family situation.
Kids do need the rules. They benefit
from being held accountable to a
standard of behavior and learning from
their poor choices and disobedience.
They need to learn proper respect for
authority, and that starts at home.
But I think it’s easy for dads to
forget the relationship side. When
a child is misbehaving, we need to
start asking ourselves, Does she know
she’s loved? And, have I demonstrated
that love and spoken it into her life
regularly? Those should be among our
top goals with each of our kids.
Dads, we really need to go the
extra mile when it comes to building
relationships with each of our children.
With that foundation, dads in
difficult situations can influence their
child more than if they’re just “laying
down the law.” After all, the daughter
will go to her mom’s house and “the
law” will change. So building a strong
relationship is another powerful way to
influence her character.
There are no quick fixes—and it
could take time—but a good place to
start is to simply tune into your child’s
interests. Find a common hobby or
activity you enjoy. Come up with ways
to just have fun together.
Those positive interactions will
show your child that you genuinely
care for her, and you’re not just trying
to win a battle or teach a lesson. She’ll
grow to trust you more and more, and
her behavior will likely change because
she’ll have a greater desire to please
you. Talking about household rules
and expectations won’t involve a major
confrontation. It will be much easier
to ask, “Would you do something for
me?”
She may even start coming to you
with big questions and issues, even
though she knows others in her life are
more likely to give her what she wants.
You’re consistent and you keep your
promises.
Even more, you’re an involved,
creative, positive force in her life. You
invest in the relationship. She trusts
that you really do have her best interest
in mind, and she looks forward to that
time with you.
Hang in there, dads. You’re playing
a huge and vital role in your children’s
lives.
What have you seen in your kids?
Are they better behaved after you’ve
done something fun together?
Action Points for Dads on the
Fathering Journey
• Plan an activity that helps your
child discover — or rediscover —
the simple joy of childhood. Even
in the daily battles of life, don’t let
him forget that being a kid should
be fun.
• Are you a step dad? Make sure
to work closely with the children’s
mother on discipline issues, so
you don’t have to be the “bad guy”
enforcer.
• As much as you can, work together
with other parents in your child’s
life, so you’re sending consistent
messages about expectations and
consequences.
• Does your job severely limit your
time with your children? Take a hard
look at changes you might make
so you can make more consistent
investments in their lives.
• Make it your goal to laugh —
really laugh hard — with your child
or teenager at least a couple times
each week.