L&R July 2017 Magazine
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I cannot claim that identifying with both the feminist ideology and BDSM lifestyle has<br />
been a completely easy process. I, much like several other fellow BDSM-friendly<br />
feminists, feel the need to explain myself and my desires. It seems a given that as a<br />
feminist you are not supposed to like being dominated by a man, not to mention have<br />
them inflict pain on you, call you names and toss you around like a rag doll. Hence,<br />
whenever talk turns to sex and feminism, people either call me out on what they see as<br />
two conflicting things or politely try to hide their amazement. It seems that the following<br />
ingenious mathematical equation buzzes through their brain whenever the topic comes<br />
up: submissive in bed equals submissive in everything. No, no, NO! Or perhaps more<br />
appropriately: red, red, RED goddamn it!<br />
I wish I could blame this reasoning on Fifty Shades of Grey, where a virginal (no, sorry,<br />
an actual virgin) wallflower of a girl discovers that, OMG, she’s into all sorts of kinky<br />
shit, all of which perfectly complements her shy, submissive nature. Of course, I can’t<br />
draw such hasty conclusions seen as Fifty Shades only happened a few years back,<br />
and the prejudice against pro-BDSM feminists has been around for much longer than<br />
that. Let’s return to my funeral for a moment. I am certain, 100% sure that no-one, not<br />
a soul, would describe me as submissive or a shy wallflower (or virginal for that<br />
matter). Why can’t I be just as independent, clever and driven even if I like being<br />
spanked and tied up?<br />
It is easy to pigeonhole a person based on practically anything they enjoy or don’t<br />
enjoy; we don’t often spend a lot of time trying to understand things we find<br />
unappealing. What people outside the BDSM lifestyle struggle to comprehend is how<br />
different the in-the-bedroom me is from the person I am outside the bedroom. Even I<br />
have been surprised by how dirty we can get between the covers without it filtering into<br />
our everyday lives as a couple; we chat about normal stuff, we go to the cinema, we<br />
exchange tender kisses – all the things you’d expect an average couple to do. My<br />
partner respects me and I respect him. End of. The dominant/submissive play stays<br />
within the confines of the bedroom, and I am just as fiercely goddess-like outside it as<br />
usual.
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