Kol Kramers II Issue 4.pub

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M azal Tov to good friends Sylvia and Ben-Zion Heyman upon the engagement of Daniel Meir to Chani Fuchs of Brooklyn! (The Heymans are, of course— as charter members of the Martel Cartel— close personal friends of Klony Kellner’s Shver and Shvigger, R’ Alter and Shira Shapiro.) Kayla and JJ: Daniel Meir feels awful that he was unable to reach you by phone to tell you the news himself . Dr. Ben-Zion Heyman would also like the KOL KRAMERS readership to know that he is a big fan of: “Best of Health with Bootsy” This Shabbos we are all celebrating the 24th Hebrew birthday of Kol Kramers’ Number #1 Fan: Klony Kellner of Klony and Gitty fame! and that he some- Mazal Tov and many happy returns of the day! times prints out her columns for his chiropractic patients! News Flash! This just in from our correspondent in Monsey— the first snow of the season! And just in time for Beej to dust off his car and drive his boychiks over the river and thru the woods to MLJ’s house... Kramer Chronicles A Special Announcement from Kol Kramers’ official archivist, BJ, appears in this week’s “Computer Tips from BJ” Check out page 15 of this week’s issue to find out how you can now download higher quality photos from KOL KRAMERS, suitable for printing! Yippee! http://www.ouradio.org/index.php/shabbat_shalom/article/2349/ Cousin Jeffrey Berg sent in the link above to a story about Malkiel Lerner, the son of Cousins Sue and Joel, and Aunt Thecla’s (a”h) grandson. Click on the link to read about the wonderful work he is doing visiting victims of terror in Eretz Yisrael! Kol Kramers Volume II Issue 4 Page 2
Travels With Tatty: W e all enjoy reading Kol Kramers, but it is time to do something about the tag line: “Welcome to the nth issue of KOL KRAMERS, Volume # x, the newsletter that helps all current, former, and honorary Kramers, stay even more in touch with each other than we do already.” There are clearly a number of grammatical, syntactical, and structural problems with this sentence. So, being a professional consultant (no, I won’t insult you), I’ve taken it upon myself to fix this problem. Now, under normal circumstances this would cost a lot of money. Even with the family discount. But, given this is Kol Kramers we’re talking about, I’m waiving all fees! My team (you didn’t think I was going to do this alone, did you?) met and evaluated the sentence and articulated the following problems: First and foremost, the clause “stay even more in touch with each other than we do already” is clearly flawed. We don’t “do” in touch, we “are” in touch and therefore, the clause should read “stay even more in touch with each other than we are already” or perhaps, ” stay even more in touch with each other than we already are”. Because of the inherent ambiguity of being in touch (what does it really mean to be in touch?) and because the “do” could, possibly, be interpreted to be acting upon the “stay” – as in “we do stay in touch” – which we could “do”, the team felt strongly that modifications here were in order. Further, the team questioned the very essence of the secondary clause “than we do already”. What if we don’t? What about those readers who opt out? Who don’t stay in touch? How can we simply assume that “we do already”? The team, therefore, recommends the following modification to the clause: “…stay even more in direct formal and informal communications through various media forms including, but not limited to, written, oral and electronic means, with each other than we have in the past, done, do presently and plan to do in the foreseeable future, those of us not in touch, notwithstanding.” Obviously an improvement. But other problems were pointed out by the auxiliary task force (you didn’t think that one team alone could do this, did you?). The clause “the newsletter that helps” is deeply flawed. Kol Kramers is not really a newsletter. A newsletter implies certain rigid structures, media and circulation constraints – along with certain legal and technical requirements as to copyrights, circulation registration and postal regulations – with which Kol Kramers may not be in strict compliance. The team, therefore, urges the following change: Instead of “the newsletter that helps…” make it “the unlicensed, non-regulated informational periodical, produced in electronic form and, without prejudice to the rights of the copyright holder, available in other media forms as well as on the internet, notwithstanding the fact that we do not have internet, that helps…” Much better. The review board (naturally, there’s a review board…) also suggests modifying the rest of the clause “that helps all current, former, and honorary Kramers”. After all, “helps all” is rather presumptuous, no? What if it doesn’t help? Haven’t we already established that there are, indeed, those that may not be staying in touch? And, this is Volume II already – so has it “helped all”. I don’t think so. Clearly a problem. So here’s the obvious suggested correction: “…that may, under certain circumstances, without expressed or implied warranties as to efficacy or fitness for use, provide some assistance, support, diversion or entertainment, to some, if not all…” Now we’re making real progress. Finally, we’ll address the problematic opening clause, “Welcome to the nth issue of KOL KRAMERS…” Welcome? This isn’t a Tupperware party. We’ve already established the nature of this periodical – and “welcome” simply doesn’t fit. Are we trying to suggest that one does not have to pay for Kol Kramers, as in “you are welcome to it”? Or are we suggesting “welcome” as a way to invite readers to begin reading? Or “welcome” as an invitation to participate, as in “you are welcome to submit material…” As you can see, this is highly ambiguous, problematic phrasing. And what does Kol Kramers mean? If it is intended to be the Kol of the Kramers, then it should read “Kol Kramers’…”. If the intention is to Kol of a specific Kramer, then “Kol Kramer’s” would be required. What’s worse is that the clause then proceeds to contradict either interpretation by implying that it is the Kol of some who are not (really) Kramers at all with the phrase “current, former, and honorary Kramers”! The team’s ingenious solution to this linguistic quagmire, instead of “Welcome to the nth issue of KOL KRAMERS” is: “Following herewith, embedded, attached or otherwise reproduced, the nth issue of Kol …” Putting it all together then, we have a profoundly improved version of the tag line; elegantly enhanced for clarity, precision and technical correctitude. “Following herewith, embedded, attached or otherwise reproduced, the nth issue of Kol , volume #x, the unlicensed, nonregulated informational periodical, produced in electronic form and, without prejudice to the rights of the copyright holder, available in other media forms as well as on the internet, notwithstanding the fact that we do not have internet, that may, under certain circumstances, without expressed or implied warranties as to efficacy or fitness for use, provide some assistance, support, diversion or entertainment, to some, if not all, current, former and honorary Kramers, stay even more in direct formal and informal communications through various media forms including, but not limited to, written, oral and electronic means, with each other than we have in the past, done, do presently and plan to do in the foreseeable future, those of us not in touch, notwithstanding.” Kol Kramers Volume II Issue 4 Page 3
Page 1: November 25, 2005 Hadlokas Neiros A
Page 5 and 6: Welcome the newest addition to the
Page 7 and 8: H ello Folks! Lots to report this w
Page 9 and 10: (Continued from page 8) News From N
Page 11 and 12: (Continued from page 10) I’d like
Page 13 and 14: Mostly Monsey (and Manhattan Too):
Page 15 and 16: F or the first time, this week the
Page 17 and 18: (Continued from page 16) sheitel bo
Page 19 and 20: D ear KOL KRAMERS, In my mind and h
Page 21 and 22: Special Thanks to Chaya (Kurcfeld)
Page 23 and 24: Jerusalem Diaries Kayla Writes: (Co
Page 25 and 26: T his week I have a lot of informat
Page 27 and 28: Cute Kid Quotes Gracie writes: W he
Page 29 and 30: Salmon Loaf a la Bluma Leonard Trap

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