Maple Sunday At Sweet Williams - Turner Publishing

Page 4 MOOSE PRINTS
April 2010
www.centralmainetoday.com
John McDonald
So there I was the other
night at a fancy corporate
banquet in the mid-coast
region, waiting to provide
the evening’s entertainment,
when the conversation at my
table turned to storytelling.
That's when this fella from
Massachusetts – with an accent
so thick you could've
cut and stacked it like cordwood
– attempted to tell one
of my Down East stories.
Within seconds this Son
of the Commonwealth had
the story so mangled and
mutilated that it became too
painful for me to listen. Finally
in desperation he turns
to me and says: “Have you
ever heard that story, John?
Is that more or less how it
goes?"
It's been suggested that
warning labels be placed
on all Maine humor tapes
and CDs, warning amateurs
about the dangers of attempting
to tell these seemingly
simple stories at home.
I told my tablemate that
I knew the story well, and
when asked to tell it I began
by straightening out some of
the more dented details.
I'll tell the story here if you
promise not to try to retell it
without supervision.
In the story Tewkey Merrill
is sitting on his front porch
reading his newspaper when
a car comes tearing around
the corner by his house and
stops. A man jumps from the
car, runs up onto the porch
and frantically asks Tewkey
for directions to Bangor.
Realizing the fella is in a
hurry, Tewkey tries his best
to move him right along.
“You want to take this road
out of town about five miles
and you're gonna' come to a
fork in the road..."
“Does it make any difference
which way I go at
the fork?" the stranger asks,
thinking he'll speed things
up. “Not to me, it don't,"
Tewkey says, honestly.
The stranger decides to
just stand there and listen.
“You take a left at that
fork and after you go another
two miles you'll see a big,
red barn... No, come to think
of it, it's a green barn... Two
miles after that left at the
fork in the road you'll see a
big, green barn…”
Tewkey pauses again to
think, while the stranger taps
his foot, waiting.
“Now that I've colored
the barn green I realize it's
not on the left side but on
the right side," says Tewkey.
"So, remember - two miles
after the left at the fork in
the road on your right hand
side you're going see a big,
green…”
Another long pause, more
thinking, stranger is fit to be
tied...
“For the last eight years
that barn's been nothing but
trouble," Tewkey finally
said. “Eight years ago the
fella who owns that barn decided
to paint it even though
it didn't need painting. In the
middle of the job he gets a
call from his daughter in
Canton, Ohio who just had
her first baby.
“Well, he and mother pack
up and fly to Canton to see
their new grandchild. They
stay out there for months,
visiting. By the time they
Don’t Try This at Home
got back he couldn't remember
whether his barn was
red and he'd been painting
it green, or she was green
and he'd been painting it red.
What's worse, he couldn't
find any of the paint.
“His neighbor, Frank Farron,
said, 'Just wait 'til one
side starts peeling. Whatever
side peels first is probably
the side you painted
first, so just paint that side
the other color.'
“Fella agreed that was the
answer. Trouble is, till he
finishes painting his barn I
can't remember - when giving
directions - whether his
barn is the red barn on the
left heading north or she's
the green barn on the right
heading south.
“But I know for sure that
two miles after the left at
the fork in the road on either
your left or right hand side
I guarantee you're going to
see a big red or green barn,"
Tewkey said all emphatic.
“Then what do I do?" the
stranger asked.
“Nothin.'" said Tewkey.
"You see it and just go sailing
by.”
Well, by now the stranger
concluded that he had
picked the last person in
Maine to ask for directions
but by then it was too late.
From around the same
corner came a deputy sheriff
with siren wailing and
all lights blazing. He cut off
the stranger's car, came up
on the porch, slapped some
cuffs to this stranger and
arrested him on the spot. It
was quite dramatic.
It seems this fella had
just robbed a bank in Union
and was trying to make a
getaway to Rockland, and
Tewkey Merrill managed
to stop this fella armed with
John McDonald
Maine Storyteller
All seriousness aside...
For your next event, consider adding John
McDonald's "A taste of Maine humor" to the
program. John has been entertaining audiences
for over 25 years and he gets funnier every year.
When not telling funny stories, John writes a
weekly syndicated column and hosts Portland's
#1 rated weekend radio talk show.
He has also written three books, including the
best sellers: "A Moose and a Lobster Walk into a
Bar" and "The Maine Dictionary."
For booking information call: 899.1868 or
email: mainestoryteller@yahoo.com
As Downeaster Tink Billings says:
"Ain't he some funny!"
nothing more than his index
finger and his colorful directions.
Well, they hauled the fella
off to jail and under intense
questioning by the department's
elite criminal division
they finally wrung it out of
him: He had been in that very
www.centralmainetoday.com
town about eight years previous
and the only mischief
he managed to get into was
- he broke into somebody’s
big red and green barn and
made-off with about twenty
gallons of paint.
Before retelling this story,
please consult a board-certi-
Become A Part Of Our Team…
fied professional storyteller.
Have John McDonald
bring “A taste of Maine humor”
to your next banquet
or convention. Email him at:
mainestoryteller@yahoo.
com or phone: 899.1868. n
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