07042018 - Investigate your ministers

32—SATURDAY Vanguard, APRIL 7, , 2018
bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk
Singletons who don’t
give priority to marriage
HAVE you readers noticed the new and growing breed of
‘forever singles? It consists of a band of empowered, independent women who
don’t want to be defined by a relationship. Not for them: nights slumped on the sofa
trying to pacify a screaming kid whilst
their man snores in front of Super
Sports. Instead, they have made a
positive commitment to what is now
known as long-term singleton.’ For
these band of women, there are no
mandatory trips to visit in-laws they
would ordinarily not interact with
socially—nor dreary weekends
traipsing smelly markets in order to
warm their affection into their men’s
tommy. Being forever single is a
lifestyle choice which removes the
need for a man from the equation of
personal happiness.
ln a recent discussion on one of the
TV channels, one of the impressivelooking
discussants tore relationships
to shreds. If they happened and you’re
one of the lucky few to find a man who
genuinely commits, fine. If not, there
are challenging alternatives to
complement your lifestyle.
According to her, a lot of single
women today are buying their first
property on their own—they don’t wait
for Mr. Right before making a key
decision. What’s more, fewer women
than ever are choosing to get married.
The number of single women between
the ages of 25 to 45 has doubled over
the last two decades.
At my regular salon recently, Kemi,
the owner of the salon was not
impressed by a customer who favoured
a nail polish her husband could
tolerate. She sneered after the woman
left: “I always laugh when ladies come
to my salon to have their nails done,
and when I suggest a particular shade
of polish, they say, ‘my husband
wouldn’t like that.’ Why tolerate that
degree of control over your life? I’ve
never been maternal and I’ve never
really wanted children. I opened this
salon when I was 24, and now I’m
building up, my events
management,my degree has always
stood me in good stead in whatever I
choose to do. “
When I have fun, I
want it to be on my
terms. My last
relationship was a
few years ago— it
was on and off —
over a couple of
years and I dated
other men in
between
“When I have fun, I want
it to be on my terms. My
last relationship was a few
years ago— it was on and
off —over a couple of years
and I dated other men in
between. I realised being
in a couple wasn’t for me.
My boyfriend never
wanted to do the things I
want to do, like travelling
or night clubbing. I didn’t
want to be limited. Mind
you, dedicating myself to
the single life doesn’t mean
I reject my innate
femininity, but there’s no
room for compromise even
when it comes to casual
dating. Men take an
interest in me all the time.
I recently met a man at a
friend’s party and he asked
for my number. He was
nice-looking and seemed
up for more fun, so I took
out my phone and he saw
my screen-saver; which is
a photograph of my cute
dog. When he said he
didn’t like dogs, I thought,
“why bother giving him
my number?’ So, I didn’t.
I can’t be bothered with
someone who doesn’t like
the things I like. Selfish?
May be, but that’s the
harsh reality.”
Being single by choice
clearly squashes that
theory that a Prince
Charming is required for a
fulfilled life. As for
becoming mothers? Well,
as one committed
singleton explains with
brutal frankness: “The
fertility industry is out
there if we want to have
partners’ if that sounds a
cold-blooded and even
irresponsible way to bring
a child into the world, then
according to experts,
today’s modern woman is
more emotionally secure
because the fear has been
taken out of being alone. As
I write, I recall a few
singletons, who’d gone
abroad for their designer
babies, even settling to
have half-cast ones!”
Anthonia, 33, a public
relations consultant left for
the UK six years ago to study
marketing. In doing so, she
waved goodbye to the
handsome, successful
lawyer boyfriend she was
dating, ‘We later got
engaged, but when I got a
place at the university I
wanted and he gave me an
ultimatum—my overseas
studies or him, I told him he
was being ridiculous, that
he should be supporting
me, but he didn’t see it that
way. I wanted the freedom
to follow my ambition, so I
left him. I was excited about
my new path in life. I had
ambition, and no one was
going to squash it.”
And to what does she owe
this free spirit? Is it nature
or nurture? She feels she
inherited her outlook from
her mother. “I was brought
up by a single mum, who
taught me that you didn’t
need to have a man around
to be fulfilled. She
developed her own toilet
soap range and worked as
an estate agent—and I’ve
inherited her work ethic. I
do 12-13-hour days. I might
go to the gym on the way
home or chill out at the
social club I pay hefty sums
every year to belong. When
I get back to my lovely flat,
I can just crash out. I don’t
have to make an effort to
stay awake for someone else’s
small talk, but I’m not a loner.
I love people, and I enjoy
hanging out with friends.”
Something else that seems to
inspire the forever singles is
not having to be financially
accountable to a man. “I have
some friends who hide
expensive buys from their
husbands,” said Tcssy, 29, a
communications and marketing
manager. “They earn money of
their own so it’s crazy. If I want
something, like the N350,000
set of jewelry I bought recently,
I go ahead and get it. I once
dated ten men for a project I
did at the university— going
to the same restaurant over ten
nights with a different man. Not
one of the men held my
interest. I have no desire just
to be with someone else
because I want a man at my
side. I’ve always been fiercely
independent with a great job
and, a nice flat I fully owned.
I’m not anti-relationships, I
just don’t seem to need them
in my life.
“My parents have been
together for more than 40
years, but they accept the way
I choose to live my life. I am
good at what I do, I work long
hours and I travel widely. It’s
not that I don’t find men
attractive, but I don’t feel any
urgency for them to come
into my life and change it.”
A renowned psychologist,
Susan Firth offers a word of
caution: “None of these
women should discount the
possibility of a relationship.
If they’re genuinely happy,
then great, embrace it, but I
would advise them not to
behave as if they’re antimen.
Ultimately, you’ll
become abrasive, even
defensive, and then you may
find that no one will want to
be around you. Embrace
being a single woman, but
keep the light switch on,
who’s to say what might
happen in the future?”
But Tessy takes her advise
with a pinch of salt as she
gets ready for yet another
trip. “I don’t want to come
back after a long day then
have to sit down and be
supportive to a man about
his bad day - because hell
never want to know about my
bad day,” she says. “Being
alone doesn’t scare me.
Actually, I find it rather
thrilling....”
These austere times,’Bend-down’
stuffs is the answer....!
They used to be rude words that were never spoken in anything
but hushed voices— second-hand clothing, a.k.a. “Bo si
k’ona.” Lately tagged “Bend down’ fashion, this simply means
you no longer have to look furtively behind your shoulder to
try them on. Now that virtually everyone is believed to be into
the bend down band wagon, you certainly do not give a hoot
who seems you desperately hunting through mounds and
mounds of seeming rubbishy clothes until you find a few pearls
in the stash!
How hypocritical we’ve all been about these bend-down stuffs!
Apart from second-hand materials imported from abroad, a
lot of our so-called celebrities would be broke trying to keep
up with the ever changing world of fashion but for the
alternative of flogging their used gears to boutiques and
friends.
“Keeping up with the Joneses is not only expensive, it is
innovative,” says a sixty-something socialite. A multimillionaire
in her own right, she thinks nothing of flogging
last year’s fashion to buyers in far away places outside Lagos.
“I have stopped asking business associates to help me sell
my fairly-used clothes here in Lagos because the outlets I
used believed that I should be an easy touch because of my
money,” she confessed. “They often told me sob-stories about
buyers not forthcoming with payments.
“Men’s used outfits are more difficult to fling. That’s why I
encourage my husband to always dry-clean expensive clothes
so that they keep well. The suits are then sent to the highbrow
fashion houses to be sold and the native ones my sister
helps to dispose of. The not-so-expensive suits are taken to
places like the Marina where second hand suits bought off
compulsorily retired executives are sold. That way, we always
have money to play the expensive game of the ever-changing
world of fashion.
“I don’t know why so much fuss is made of the sale of secondhand
clothing in this country. Maybe, it has to do with the
crude and unsavoury sales methods marketers adopted.” I
mean nothing looks good when you dump them in a heap
and ask buyers to fight for them.
C
M
Y
K